A lot happened today that I want to write about and reflect on. Firstly, I went to see the leader of my Christian fellowship group individually today--just to get to know him because I'm still pretty new to the group. We talked for almost an hour and a half, and it was actually really nice. I'm normally pretty hesitant to open up to people, especially about spiritual matters, but I told him a lot of things about my faith life that I've never told anyone else, especially about the two-year period where I abandoned Christianity. I also told him about the moment that brought me back, a moment where I messed up something by forgetting to turn in a form, and I had this sudden, crushing realization that I couldn't do it--life, anything, everything--by myself, that I needed God for that. And he said that God uses those moments a lot, that all through the Bible you find stories of people and of Israel where they are brought to despair or a full knowledge of how incapable they are of doing anything alone. It was good to feel like I'm not the only one who's ever abandoned Christianity and then come back to it, even though I know with my mind that it's true. Also, the fact that he completely didn't judge that stupid decision, just said, "I'm glad you've come back to the faith again", made me feel forgiven all over again. I hadn't even realized that I still felt guilty about that period of my life.
The idea of belief in the Bible came up a bit later. He noticed that I made a funny face before agreeing that yes, I believe that the Bible is true, and we started talking about evolution. While we were talking, I was thinking, "Yes, I'm not entirely sure what I believe about creationism vs. evolution, but it's not affecting my faith at all. It's not the thing that will bring down my faith. I have faith that God created the world and I don't necessarily need to know how." How complacent! One idea that really struck me during our conversation was how Christianity involves development, constantly checking in with God and changing how you're thinking/acting if you need to, and thinking about your faith and why you believe it. Can I really just say, "I'm not sure" and move on? I'm not saying that we have to find all the answers to all the questions. But I have posted about the issue at least a few times before--that shows that it's an issue that I'm at least thinking about and struggling with it at least a bit. Even if I don't think it's an issue that will cause me to lose faith in God, does that mean I should just ignore it or pretend I've resolved the issue? I must say I think the answer is no.
Finally, I come to the idea of slippery lies. In fellowship today, the speaker was talking about a time in his life when he thought, almost without realizing it, that God wasn't with him. Looking back on this period later in life, he realized that he'd thought this and all the trouble this thought had caused him. He also brought up the image of a field covered in bananas, which are slippery--slippery lies. "What slippery lies am I telling myself about God, about myself, or about life that are causing me to sin?" I think so much of my personal struggles this week were due to something similar--me struggling with pride, but refusing to acknowledge that pride in my life.
Thank You, God, for a wonderful day!
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