Psalm 116

God is faithful. We should love God because of the good that He's done in the past. But isn't that a bit selfish? Shouldn't we love God because He's the Creator and Ruler of the universe and the Savior and because He died for me? I guess those all fall into the first category, of loving God just for what He's done for me. Also all still loving God for what He's done, not who He is. But how would we know who He was if not through His actions? How would we know who anyone was? Our actions define us, define how others see us. It's easier to praise God for His actions--those are things that we've experiences, concrete experiences--as opposed to praising a character trait, something a bit vague and something I may or may not have experienced. But when we praise a character trait, what are we doing but thinking of all the times we've experienced that trait in our relationship with God? I know that's what I do.

"Everyone needs Jesus"

"Everyone needs Jesus," he said. And I suddenly realized that I didn't totally believe that. Believe it in my head? Sure. Believe it enough to act on it, enough that I can feel it? Nope.

It was sort of a weird thing to realize. My passion for helping others find Jesus has been growing over the past months--but what's the point of that if I don't think that everyone needs Jesus? What am I doing instead, trying to prove that my way is better? That I'm always right?

"Remember"

I've been reading through some of Deuteronomy right now, and the thing that really struck me this time is how much God reminds the Israelites to remember Him and what He's done for them. That's something that I've been thinking about too, lately--it's so important to remember God and who He is, not just in the bible but also who He's been in my life. I need to remember not only that He saved the Israelites from slavery and died for me, but also the comfort and joy He's given me and the fact that He saved me personally from my sin.

Late Night Thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much thinking, too much self-condemnation. One thing God has been showing me lately is the fact that I am sinful, that I can never earn God's love or His salvation. I can never pay back what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am not completely good. It's been brought home to me in various ways over the past week or so, the latest being my complete inability to control my own thoughts, at least when it comes to my stories.

My stories are something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was struggling with them about a month ago and I heard God say, "I know you're struggling with this, and the desire in you to create has become corrupted. But I want to use this gift you have for good, for my plan, and right now I'm just cleansing that part of your soul so I can do that." I gave all my stories to Him, one by one. A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep and God told me, "Write. Write." I wrote the beginning of a story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but different than I've ever written before: with the knowledge that the story is coming from God and I am merely the instrument used to have the story written down, listening prayerfully for every word and sentence I should write, not planning out the story ahead of time. That was the plan, anyway. It's been so, so difficult. The temptation to just think about the story, to savor what might happen and the experiences the characters will have without writing it out, to just keep it all trapped in my mind, is so, so strong, and I've given in to it so much since I started. I've failed God so often. I am sinful. I've been prideful and obsessive about what I've written, what I could go on to write. I don't know how to do this in a godly way. I'm up so late because I was writing, even though God wasn't telling me to. It's so easy to confuse God's call and obsession. I pray as I write this that God will show me what His will is for this story that I write, for the others still in my mind, and that He will give me the strength to do what He wills with this story. I pray for wisdom, for knowledge of what I should do and what God's will is. Most of all, I pray for God to be with me and comfort me and strengthen me as I struggle with this. May He guide me through this.