Galatians 6

Just a few verses really stuck with me when I was reading:

"But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each man will have to bear his own load." (v. 4-5)
Everyone should think about their own spiritual journey, constantly, and ensure that they are still on the right path. Also, pray about it. But don't compare yourself or your spiritual journey or anything to others; you are completely different, you have a different path and journey and burden and everything. And ultimately, you will have to make your own choices.

"And let us not grow weary in well-doing" (v. 9). I have been very weary lately--I thought purely physically, but it has really been interfering with my spiritual life as well. Please help me to overcome this, Lord.

Summer Goals--Update

Update!

1) Volunteer Nope.
2) Freerice I freericed consistently in that I freericed every day, but I didn't meet my daily goals every day (although I always made up for it the next day). Also, my attitude was again not always (or even often) one of joyful giving so much as of performing another obligation.
3) Summer reading I have been steadily reading several of my summer reading goals. Still haven't finished another one, though!
4) Book reviews N/A this week.
5) Reflect more Hm... I'm not sure, actually, how well I met this goal. Does that suggest that I didn't reflect much on anything?
6) After graduation I've really been praying about the idea of going to seminary. Also kept studying for the GRE.
7) Sleep! I got a fairly decent amount of sleep. Yay!
8) Exercise Not so much.
9) Work on thesis I've been steadily working my way through my second thesis book. I'm almost done!
10) Declutter I decluttered my room (again).
11) Scholarships I applied to a few this week.
12) Pray for others Happened with on and off success.

I've been thinking about these updates, actually. They're beginning to seem tedious to me (maybe because nothing's happening?), and I'm wondering if it's useful to post them every week. Thoughts?

Prayer in my life

Yesterday morning, as I was about to start freericing, I suddenly felt God telling me to google "What is prayer." That is a question that I've really been thinking about lately--what is prayer, what is its purpose, how does it make a difference in the world, and why is it important? The first few results were simple dictionary definitions of prayer, which wasn't what I wanted at all. So instead I googled "prayer quotes", which led to the post yesterday of quotes about prayer. Those quotes were the ones that I felt called to share.

However, what I really got out of a lot of those quotes was the idea that--wow, a lot of people think prayer is really important, really does make a difference, and is truly something that Christians should be doing all the time. Maybe, instead of trying to decide what prayer is and how it works, I should just try it for myself. Also the idea that I don't pray enough surfaced--all the quotes viewed prayer as very important, possibly the most important thing a Christian ever does, and if that's true or even close to true, then I don't pray nearly enough.

So I decided to pray about everything in my life this week, throughout the day.  So that was what I aimed for yesterday and today.

The results were a little disappointing, I must say. But I think that's also because I just expect everything to immediately have results, and really good or preferably amazing ones at that. I'm not sure that I noticed a difference, other than when I stopped praying for short amounts of time things really got on my nerves. This was true both today and yesterday. The devil trying to tempt me away from something he views as good? I'm not sure. I think I remember reading somewhere (C. S. Lewis?) that the devil really comes against someone when they're doing something good, something that will bring them closer to God.

Yesterday I tried really hard to pray about everything. It didn't completely work, of course. Today I did as well. I'm not sure I tried as hard, but I did pray some. And since I normally completely forget to pray at work, I was relatively pleased with the prayers today. And in a way my mid-day slump of feeling depressed about everything was a blessing in disguise, because it reminded me with a jolt to pray, and that I can't do things without God.

Prayer Quotes

Prayer should not be regarded "as a duty which must be performed, but rather as a privilege to be enjoyed, a rare delight that is always revealing some new beauty."  E.M. Bounds 


Martin Luther, when once asked what his plans, for the following day were, answered: “Work, work, from early until late. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.”


Always respond to every impulse to pray. The impulse to pray may come when you are reading or when you are battling with a text. I would make an absolute law of this – always obey such an impulse. --Martyn Lloyd-Jones


Pray, and let God worry. -- Martin Luther

Update

I don't know what to write about, but I feel like I haven't posted in a while. My life has been really busy. I've been struggling to keep my time with God reflection- rather than goal- or get-it-finished-oriented (not that I'm against having goals, but being more excited about having one chapter of a Bible book left than about reading the Bible is a problem). I've been struggling with pride and impatience (related problems?), as well as tiredness (mostly physical). Working full time is hard!

Job 1

I know the story of Job as well as anyone, although it's been a while since I last read it. More than anything, what I noticed this time was verse 21, where Job says, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  That just blew me away--saying that, and really meaning it, after all your possessions are gone and your children have died would take amazing faith.

Goals

Summer goals review!

1) Volunteer Nope.
2) Freerice I freericed every day, although I didn't reach my per-day goal. I also wasn't very happy with my attitude about freericing. I saw it more as a chore than as a wonderful opportunity to help people.
3) Summer reading I worked on my summer reading--the butterfly book, the epic poem, and a new book I started, about the West African coast.
4) Book reviews I didn't finished any books this week, so I didn't write any reviews.
5) Reflect more If anything, I failed miserably on this goal. Last week I reflected very, very little on anything. :(
6) After graduation I kept studying for the GRE.
7) Sleep! I got a decent amount of sleep--not awesome, but not too bad, either.
8) Exercise Other than my job, I didn't do anything.
9) Work on thesis Nope. (Have I done this at all yet?)
10) Declutter Nope.
11) Scholarships I applied to two or three last week.
12) Pray for others I prayed for others--perhaps not as much as that one fantastic week I had, but some. Not as much as I would have liked, though.

Maccabees

I just finished reading 2 Maccabees. Both 1 and 2 Maccabees were amazing books about faith in God. The Greeks tried to force the Jews to abandon the Law and God; many refused, and were persecuted and killed because of it. Judas and his brothers, the Maccabees, began fighting against the invaders. They were outnumbered, sometimes 20 or 30 to 1, but they kept fighting. And they kept winning, because before every battle they prayed to God, and they trusted in Him to help them win because they knew they were doing what was right, and because of all the wonderful things He'd done in the past. And they just kept fighting. It was a very inspiring book, while also being a bit uncomfortable--their faith was amazing and inspirational, and yet my faith is not as strong as theirs was. It was a reminder that I'm not finished working yet and of what my faith in God could do if I let it grow.

2 Corinthians 6

The first part of this chapter (verses 4-10) speaks about how we should serve God in everything and through everything--fear, work, trials, poorness, anything. This is something I've been struggling with lately in my life, what with work being hectic and all-consuming in a lot of ways. I've prayed less and less and been less reflective in the past week, and just overall spiritually slacking off. As I read this passage, it just really struck me as a beautiful call to follow God in all parts of life and through every experience. The same thing struck me in verse 16, where Paul talks about how we are all temples of/to God--and should behave as such.

Dancing

Yesterday I heard someone say to a group of kids, "I saw how much you enjoyed dancing to the Gummy Bear song. But you didn't enjoy Every Move I Make nearly as much. You know, Jesus wants you to have just as much fun with Him as you did when you were dancing to the Gummy Bear Song. It's a lot of fun being with Him." I thought, "Of course I know that. And I did enjoy Every Move I Make more than I did the Gummy Bear Song."

Then, this morning while reading my Bible, I realized that I don't enjoy reading my Bible nearly as much as I enjoy reading other things. Why not? The stories in there are just as good, the words are just as if not more thought-provoking, and the message is even more important than anything else I'll ever read.

This realization was part of a larger realization that lately I've been seeing myself as perfect, or at least with not much room for improvement. It's something that I tend to do, really--I think part of the problem with the Christianity of my younger self was that I held this idea of myself as perfect for far too long, and it made my faith stale. Because really, if we were already perfect, why would we need God? In the past year or so I've realized how important the knowledge of my own sin is to my faith--it increases my dependence on God so much, and my knowledge of His wisdom and power. So I just really pray that God will help me to know again my own sinful nature so that I may rely on Him more fully.

Decisions

A lot of decisions have come up for me recently. Firstly, my mom asked me if I wanted to help her write a book. My first response was "NO!" I didn't want to deal with the temptation of that again--I'm still fighting the temptations from my last attempts to write novels. I didn't want to be tempted again, to give myself more opportunities to slip up, to possibly give myself more stories to fight against.

Secondly, I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my life after college. Going to graduate school is definitely something that I've considered. Something that I've been thinking about a lot recently, especially during the last semester, was working in education--whether in some sort of nonprofit, as a teacher, or as a professor. Today someone told me that they really thought I should consider going to seminary and becoming a pastor, and that they thought I'd be good at it. Honestly, the thought just blew me away. It's not something that I'd ever considered for myself, and I've honestly never thought of myself as the kind of person who would make a good pastor. Although I guess it's not the person that makes the pastor, it's God. I promised to think and pray about it. I'm trying to be open about it. God does not seem to be immediately opposed to the idea, at least.

Ultimately, I'm so glad that I don't actually have to make these decisions, or any decisions, really. God will make them all. I do have to decide to follow Him, but I think that's still easier than to make such a huge decision like a career choice, because I know that God has a plan for me, and that anything He asks me to do is part of that plan. I would, however, appreciate prayers: for my decision-making process, that I will be able to hear God speaking to me and have the courage to do what He asks of me. Amen.

Worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What  shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek all these things; and you heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." Matthew 6:25-34 (RSV)

I have been really anxious lately. I'm not even entirely sure why. I can be quite a worrier. I don't want to be, not anymore. I know that God will take care of everything. I believe that He will take care of everything.

Maybe what I really need is a change in perspective. Last time I did this--worried about everything, pretty much--all it took to break the funk was a little change in perspective, the realization that a little change in my viewpoint would make so many of the things I was worrying about not even really worth worrying about. Like finishing all my summer goals, down to the letter. That was my original goal, going into the summer. But that was before I got a job. And even if I hadn't gotten a job, is that really something worth worrying about? Will worrying magically get things done? Should I take my list as a MUST BE DONE OR DEATH kind of list? Of course not! It's a list of things that should be done, will make my life easier later, or that I put on there in the hope that they would bring me closer to God. Of course all of those things are important, and I fully intend to try as hard as I can to still complete as many goals as possible; but worrying won't accomplish that anyway.

Maybe I just feel like a bad Christian when I worry. Thankfully God doesn't care about what a "good Christian" or a "bad Christian" looks like. He just loves me, and wants me to love Him back. He just wants a relationship with me, whatever that ends up looking like.

Summer Goals

A review of my summer goals:

1) Volunteer I volunteered at church today, setting up decorations for Vacation Bible School.
2) Freerice I have done freerice every day (although one day I didn't reach my goal and had to continue on the next day). However, I have not always done it with a light heart. One day I just was not in the mood, and one day I couldn't help wondering what the point of doing so little was.
3) Summer reading list I finished one book on my list, the book of Hawaiian legends, and have started another, a book about butterflies.
4) Book reviews I have reviewed every book that I finished this week.
5) Reflect more My reflections, and the time I've spent on them, have been very up and down this week, and very connected to how I felt spiritually. There were days were I could really feel God and just felt so joyful, and on those days I reflected a great deal. But there were other days where I didn't feel that connected and I didn't really reflect on anything.
6) After graduation options I continued studying for the GRE this past week. Next week, though, I really want to put more time into both studying for the GRE and looking for possible graduate schools/programs.
7) Sleep! I don't think I did as well as I did last week, but I got a decent enough amount of sleep.
8) Exercise Again, I only exercised once this week. :(
9) Work on thesis I finished one of my thesis books! And started another one.
10) Declutter I worked my way through my email account some.
11) Scholarships I applied to a few scholarships, and drafted the essay for another one. This is another one of my goals that I really want to work on this next week.
12) Pray for others I really improved on this overall, although there were a few days where I didn't pray very much. I've been praying for others on my way to work, and some of the time when I'm answering questions on freerice, and it's really increased the amount of time I'm spending praying for others. I've also felt a related increase in how close I feel to God; I feel like on the days I prayed a lot for others, I also felt much closer to God and felt His peace and joy a lot more.

I will, of course, keep working towards these goals. I really think that the process of making a list of goals, and reviewing the goals and my progress towards those goals each week, is really beneficial. It forces me to think about my goals regularly and see how I'm doing with them. It's also very helpful to just think about things you want to improve on, especially on a regular basis.

Giving Thanks

Today I am thankful for:
-living in a country with freedom of religion
-beautiful flowers with bees on them
-air conditioning
-cake
-a night spent playing dominoes with my family
-food
-air
-the internet
-good days at work
-having conversations with your coworkers
-the Bible
-books
-reading
-my family
-the sun
-having a job
-creativity
-salad
-pears
-water
-being able to walk around in my socks
-my iTrip that lets me play my music in the car, and good music to sing along to while I drive
-God's joy and peace
-God's faith
-Disney music
-epic music
-erasers
-crayons
-being able to ask questions
-having tomorrow off
-being able to go to bed soon
-a morning full of prayer and God
-chances to serve others and God

Permanent Marker

I spent rather a while today trying to get permanent marker off a table. Ha!

But it did get me thinking. All it had taken to get those stains on the table was a minute or two of unthinking writing or drawing on the table with a permanent marker, maybe even less. All it took was to forget to put something between the paper and the table. In the short run, it's actually easier to not be careful of the marker bleeding through. How like our spiritual life! In the short run, it's so much easier to just let sin run loose in our life--we don't have to try to fight, we can just do whatever we want and not have to think about anything. But living like that lives permanent stains. Even when we are trying to be careful, all it takes is a minute, maybe less, of letting our guard slip, and suddenly we have sinned. And the stains on our soul from that are even harder to get off than the stains of permanent marker.

1 Corinthians 12

Paul writes of how the church is the body of Christ, and each believer is a vital part of that body. Every part does a really important job, without which the body would be either handicapped or dead. I've read this passage many times before, but today I really thought about it. I thought about the human body, and how intricate it really is--so much more so than Paul realized, with DNA and RNA and enzymes and all sorts of crazy amazing stuff that controls and builds the organs Paul talks about, like the eyes and the arms. I find that image of Christ's body, as an incredibly intricate system of small cells or enzymes or whatever working together for a goal, guided by some force they can't really understand, even more wonderful and amazing. What an awesome picture of God's body!

Worrying Again!

Last night, while reading through the Screwtape Letters, we read the following: "There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy [God]. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them" (letter 6). This really struck me (and everyone else; we spent a while talking about worrying), I think because I had experienced this earlier in the day yesterday, and even skirted around the thought that worrying separates you from God, although I don't think I ever verbalized it. I was just really worried yesterday that I would be late for work; I spent most of the morning worrying about it, rather obsessively (for no good reason, I might add; I had plenty of time to get to work, and I knew it, but for some reason I just could not stop worrying about it). And it really stopped me from praying. I normally pray on the way to work, but yesterday I just couldn't because of how worried I was. It really did get between me and God.

Judith 16

Just a great reminder that God can save you from any situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem. One small town, Bethulia, stood against a HUGE army; but, through Judith, God defeated that army. Through our small actions, God can make a difference.

Summer Goals

Time for a review!

1) Volunteer I volunteered once at my church, helping make Vacation Bible School decorations.
2) 2 million grains on freerice As I write this, I've averaged about what I wanted per day in terms of donations. However, that's only because I spent a good amount of time today catching up on all the time I didn't spend doing this during the week. I want to focus more on doing freerice consistently, every day, and reaching my goal daily, not just weekly.
3) Summer reading list I finished The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (which was really really good, and I would totally recommend it to anyone), and I've been steadily working my way through the book of Hawaiian legends.
4) Book reviews I have kept on top of this and reviewed every book that I've read.
5) Reflect more Not really. I woke up really tired most mornings this week, too tired to really think about what I was reading. I tried, really! And I think that on the mornings I wasn't tired, I did reflect on what I was reading. Overall I probably reflected about the same amount, but it was all clustered in the weekend times, when I didn't have to work and therefore didn't have to get up early.
6) After graduation options I studied a few chapters in my GRE study book.
7) Sleep! Considering the fact that I worked all week, I did surprisingly well on this. Even though I woke up really tired every morning I had to go to work, I did get a decent amount of sleep every night. Also, every weekend morning I woke up feeling wonderfully rested.
8) Exercise Again, I only exercised once this week. :(
9) Work on thesis I have kept working my way through that thesis book!
10) Declutter Nope, I haven't done anything for this goal.
11) Scholarships Haven't done anything for this goal, either.
12) Pray for others Did about the same this week, I think. I didn't concentrate as much on just sitting down and praying, but did it a lot driving to work. Also, almost without thinking, I have been praying for almost every emergency vehicle I see or hear.

1 Corinthians 9

Paul talks a lot about how he, as an apostle, has the right to be fed by the Church. Is it a right? Do we have rights in God, or just things He allows us? Do servants have rights? But I'm not denying that the church should feed Paul, because I think that they should. And not even because he's the one who converted them all. Then Paul says he's too proud to take food from the church. Why? (and what is he eating?) Am I missing something here? Isn't pride a bad thing? Or is he just trying to help the churches by not giving them something else to do or seeming to demand his "rights"? (although he does spend quite a while proving his right to his rights, so maybe not). Because he says, "Nevertheless, we have not made use of this right, but we endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ" (v. 12b, RSV), and later that his reward for preaching the gospel is "that in my preaching I make the gospel free of charge, not making full use of my right in the gospel" (v. 18).

A couple things really caught my eye. Paul says, "For if I preach the gospel, that gives me no ground for boasting. For necessity is laid upon me. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!" (v. 16) When God asks us to do something, He's not really asking. As Christians who want to serve God, our duty is to do what He requires, every time. Secondly, the chapter ends with the famous race analogy: "Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Well, I do not run aimlessly, I do not box as one beating the air; but I pommel my body and subdue it, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified" (v. 24-27). It really struck me today--when running a race, you can't just suddenly stop trying and still expect to win. Likewise, in my life as a Christian, I can't just suddenly stop trying and expect to be able to pick everything up again when I feel like trying again. Also, as Paul says, we need to exercise self-control to be able to keep running. I've been realizing more and more how important self-control really is.

Media

I spent a lot of today watching TV. It's something I do a lot when I'm home; my family likes to watch TV, and my best friend here loves to watch stuff with me. I'm not sure why it feels different, doing it with other people. I watch plenty of TV when I'm at college, too. But here, it seems as if every time I watch something, I really enjoy it, but right after I get a really empty feeling inside, like I've done something wrong, or maybe was expecting to get something out of watching whatever-it-was that I didn't end up getting out of it. That happened to me today. And I started thinking about when this happens to me. Well, firstly when I let my TV-watching get out of control and don't do it to honor God. Yep, definitely going on today. Also when I watch expecting to get something more than entertainment, or perhaps a bit of thought or reflection, out of it. Something like fulfillment. Yeah, maybe it sounds silly. But I think it's something I used to do a lot when I wasn't a Christian. And in many ways I remember it being rather fulfilling, at least in the short term (am I just remembering things better than they were?)--maybe because my standards were much lower?

The other problem with watching so much TV is that it gets me thinking about my stories. The world that they present in TV--in most, if not all, media, actually--is a world that's almost perfect except for one or two little problems, which can be solved relatively easily by a self-dependent character in the amount of time required for the book/show/movie/whatever to be done exactly when it needs to be done. In many ways, such a world-view appeals to me; hence, I think, my tendency to create my own such worlds, inside my head and then on paper. It's so tempting--what a simple, perfect world, where characters really can solve their own problems without God!!

Logically, such a world view no longer appeals to me, at all. Unfortunately, the habit of thinking about the characters I created for such worlds is not so easily broken. The idea/temptation to think about them has been popping up a lot this past week. It's been difficult. Also a bit frustrating--I thought I'd solved this problem! And maybe that idea is the problem. I've never had the strength myself to deal with this problem, or any of my other problems. Thinking that I'm avoiding thinking about my stories myself means that I'm thinking of myself as in charge and self-dependent (independent?), when I'm actually not. I just pray for the strength and wisdom to resist this new onslaught of temptation through God's wisdom and guidance.