Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.