Matthew 10

Freaked me out, I forget how uncompromising You can be--are?  Maybe I understand You wrong, but in my life sometimes You seem to change Your mind, be willing to forgive.  Maybe I'm confusing forgiving with compromising.  Like when I was reading a lot of this, it was just going over my head, but I heard You say, "That's OK, that's not important right now."  But I got to other parts, where You say, "Don't deny me before man, or I will deny you before the Father" I'm afraid.  I do deny You.  I do fail to tell people about You.  Please forgive me, please teach me and guide me in how to do that.  Please help me to live  my life as a testimony to You.  But I am afraid. You seemed much less forgiving and more no-nonsense than You ever seem when I'm talking with You.  Please give me the strength to follow You. Maybe You just seem uncompromising because You imply (say?  can't remember) that it's You or hell.  Is there really a hell?  That's a very uncompromising statement.  Also, if someone didn't believe that You were God, a completely crazy one.  The people who first heard You must have been so confused!  Or thought You were crazy.  Reminded me of CS Lewis, said that can't take You as an amazing guy without believing You're also God, because if don't believe You're God than all the stuff You said about it just makes You sound completely crazy.  How/why did the disciples first decide You were God, I wonder?  Did You ever say it?  Not sure, but You do show it, through miracles, through knowledge, through love.  Maybe actions are more important than words.  OK, (almost) definitely.  Can lie with words, words so arbitrary, so easy to manipulate.  But can lie with actions, too, pretend to be someone you're not, or your actions can fail to express what you want to express, what you feel,

Matthew 8:14-34

What really struck me as I was reading was verses 14-15.  Jesus heals Peter's mother-in-law; she then immediately gets up and serves everyone.  Would I do that?  I really don't think so.  I'm so lazy--I spend so much time wasting time, rather than forcing myself to do things--and I haven't spent nearly enough time serving people lately.  I think that if that'd been me I would've just laid there, thinking about how I was just sick and needed to rest.  Ick.  Please give me an opportunity to serve someone today, Lord, and please help me to not pass the opportunity by.

Love God with everything you are.

Emotions

Emotions aren't always bad.  God gave us emotions, and He wants us to accept them, to deal with them--not to ignore them, to squelch them away.  But God also don't want us to be ruled by our emotions, to let them affect how we act.

Matthew 4

Matthew 4:1-11

Jesus' temptation in the desert.  If only temptation was always so clear.  Were You tempted?  Shomehow that insinuating tone reminded me of when i've been tempted--and unlike You, I don't always resist.  Don't ever try to, sometimes.  But You were tempted and never, ever gave in--so You can help us resist, and know what we're going thrue.  And was this the only time You resisted temptation?  I rather doubt it.  There's temptation every day, everywhere.  The devil is good at his game.

What was it like, growing up as You?  Did You always know You were the son of God?  If not, when did You find out, and how?  But when You were 12, You were teaching at the temple, so You must have been pretty young.  Did You have any friends?  Did You have to learn things like carpentry and the words of the Old Testament, or did You just know them?  Did You ever feel just unbearably different and lonely?

Matthew 4:23-25

You're healing people.  My first thouight was, 'Iwish it was really that easy.  Especialy to heal problems of the sould, not of the body."  But it can be--You can do anything, You just don't always choose to.  Where would be be if You always just did everything for us?  Not sure that came out right--You do help us with everything, after all, since we can't do it on our own--but if You did everything for us with a snap of Your fingers we'd never learn anything, never have to make choices.  Do I really believe that, or am I just saying it because I think it's the right answer?  I don't know, but I do know that right now, I am glad You don't do everything for me, even if I also wish for You healing for my many, many problems.

Decision

This faith is a decision, a decision made over and over and over, of small, small decisions.  Do I pray for five more minutes?  Do I pick up that bottle? Do I follow that still small voice?

Lately I've been making those decisions wrongly.  Slowly, slowly, it's built up, until all of a sudden listening to God isn't quite as important as it was to me one week ago, two weeks ago.  It's so, so easy to take the easy way, to focus on the wrong things.  Following God is not easy, and we have to guard against making wrong choices, especially small ones that don't seem so wrong to us.

But most of all, we need to rely on God.  He knows the future, what's best for you, what you're doing wrong.  He will help you choose the right path the more difficulty path, and he will help you overcome every difficulty you encounter.

Meh

Today just did not go well.  I just complained about everything, didn't do anything productive, thought mean things about people.  I feel like today was such a waste.  Lord, please help me to enjoy everything I do tomorrow, to give me true joy, to give me the patience to be kind to everyone.

Worry

A few days ago, I just could not sleep for worrying.  There was just so much that needed to be done--homework for three separate, intensive classes, an independent project, work on the church Advent play, group activities, keeping in contact with friends and family.  And then there's next semester to worry about--will my work-study position work out, the classes I'm taking, registration, plus clubs, not knowing where I'm living.  The worries kept whirling and whirling and growing inside my head.
Finally I turned the light on--I obviously wasn't going to get to sleep anytime soon.  I felt God whispering to me, to write in my journal, to pour it all out to Him.  So I did, I wrote about every single thing that was worrying me, and as I did, I felt His peace and comfort come over me.  Everything would work out; God was and is in control.

Leviticus 20:6-21:6

This passage is all about how Jews, as God's chosen people, should be holy, should be different than the other peoples.  The same is true of us as Christians.  We're no longer required to offer sacrifices in the temple or refrain from eating pork, but we are required to keep ourselves holy (with God's help, of course!), to view our bodies and our lives as temples to God, to behave differently than others--with love, with purity, with righteousness.  I'm not advocating being purposefully, intentionally different, necessarily, I mean simply that the way we live our lives, as Christians, is ultimately different than how a 'normal' person would live his or her life.  Of course we will not succeed by ourselves and need God's help every step of the way, but that's no reason not to strive.

Fasting

Today, completely spontaneously, I fasted.  It was my first time, and it was really really interesting.  I was surprised at how not hungry I was most of the day--I mostly just got hungry around meal times.  Not eating definitely made me realize how much food there is, all over--restaurants, street vendors, grocery stores.  I thought a lot about people who can't eat the food that's all around, not because they have chosen to abstain, but because they don't have the money to.  Lord, please be with those people, and please help us to be generous with those who need help.

Kindness

Little acts of kindness really can make a difference.  Today I was feeling lonely and a bit separate, and one person's extremely small kindness made me feel so much better and loved.  I want to be that kind of person--the one who is kind to everyone through small gestures that are all the more poignant for being small.  Never think that small things don't make a difference, that you can't make a difference.  Just because something is small doesn't mean that it won't mean a lot to someone.  Or many small things could add up over time.  Or God may use your small act to change something huge.  Never think that you can't make a difference.

Job 10

Here Job refuses to be silent.  He pours out his soul to You--his confusion (have I done something wrong so that I deserve this suffering?  Why is this happening to me?), bitterness, anger, and despair.  But he also believes in You--he is clearly speaking to You here, and speaks of Your creation, Your love and comfort and grace.  Despite his suffering, despite his doubts, Job still believes in You and refuses to curse You.  Please give me the strength to believe in You no matter what else is going on in my life, and please give me the courage to be honest about my feelings with You, but also to overcome those feelings.

Pristimantis Rain Frog (Pristimantis aracamuni)

Today I am praying for the Pristimantis Rain Frog (Pristimantis aracamuni), an endangered frog species from South America.  Not much is known about it, like so many species.

Photo from http://eol.org/data_objects/12581752; ⓒ Justin Touchon
This is a picture of a related frog species, the Limon Rubber Frog (Pristimantis cerasinus)

I see nature as a vital part of God's creation.  The intricacy of nature just blows my mind away; no one but You could have ever created something so perfect.  If we respect other people because they are God's creation, why can't we do the same of His other creations, his non-human creations?  Destroying nature is just another thing we all have to ask forgiveness for.

Joshua 12

A list of lands and kings that the Israelites defeated.  Do You keep a list of all the sins/problems that You and I have defeated together?  I was going to add 'mostly You,' and maybe that's true, but if anything is going to change I have to made a decision to change.  You can only help me if I agree, if I'm willing.  That's what we get from free will.  And I have to keep making that decision, again and again and again.   You can help with that, of course, but ultimately You let me make the decision.  That is just so crazy!  You give us so much responsibility (freedom?), which we don't deserve and couldn't deal with without You.  But it's also a huge part of Your plan, of how You work.  You wanted to give us the choice; You didn't want people who just blindly worship You because they don't have a choice.  We have to choose to follow You, choose to worship You, choose to trust You, choose to accept Your love and help and guidance and everything else You can give.

Temptation

I was struggling with temptation, but when I repeated Hebrews 2:18 ("For because he has suffered and been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted"), the temptation suddenly became much less tempting.  Thank You.

Hebrews 2

Hold the gospel close, or else you'll forget it.  People are sinful--if our own salvation depended on us not sinning, we'd never get anywhere near.  I couldn't agree more.  In verses 6-8, is 'him' humans or Jesus?  I God?  "Crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death"--that's a very Christian idea.  Many people might say that doesn't make sense, that death is final and that we're dead, no matter why you died.  But we as Christians have heaven.  Thank You, Lord, Jesus destroyed the devil ("him who has the power of death") "through death"--using the devil's own weapons against him, without sinking to his level.  It's amazing that You thought of that solution, and amazing that You went through with it, that You actually sent Your son, Your only son, to suffer and die.  I forget about that part of Christianity sometimes. What an ugly way to die.  But You went through with it for us, for me.  For every single person on this earth.  That's so mind-blowing.  And despite all Your suffering, all the suffering You see and feel and know every day, You are still good.  Thank YOu.  Verse 18 is extremely comforting: "For because he has suffered and been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted."  Please help me to remember that when I feel overwhelmed by sin, Lord--that, and that You are powerful.

The Hills

Walking down the street, I caught a sudden glimpse of the hills in the sunlight, and their beauty reminded me of You.

Mark 1

This chapter is full of faith--John the Baptist's, Jesus', Simeon and Andrew, James and John, the people who came to Jesus to ask for healing.  I can't imagine the faith it would take to leave everything just because some guy asked you to.  I know You're more than just a guy, but how did they know that--they'd never seen you before.  What was so compelling about You that they just left their lives to follow You?  Especially James and John, who left their father behind in the boat when they left.  I don't know if I could do that.  Please give me such faith.  And Your power.  You cast out demons without allowing them to say Your name or who You are, You heal the sick, You call people to You and they come (how many did You call that didn't come?).  Are some things today caused by demons, and we just don't realize it because we're so science- and reality-focused?  You teach and heal--connected?  Your teachings help heal the soul?  And even though all those people wanted to see You, You took time to go be alone and to pray.  Please help me to do that, too.

Walking in the rain

Walking in the rain, I suddenly felt Your love so strongly that I wanted to cry.

Thoughts

No Bible this morning.  Instead I've been thinking, mostly about conversations I've had with someone recently.  Haven't agreed with him much, but was never sure why.  Going to try and hash it all out here.

"There is no Satan; everyone is partly good and partly evil, saying that anyone is purely good or purely evil is extreme."
Don't know if I believe in Satan--although the Bible's perfectly clear on it, so I probably should.  Also, interestingly, he's seen as a presence in Haiti--but I do believe in pure evil.  And it makes sense that if You're the manifestation of pure good, then there must be a manifestation of pure evil, as well.  Sense of balance.  Is true that no one is purely good or evil, but I'm also inclined to think that most people tend one way or the other.  Maybe that's just from seeing too many movies and books, though.  Do think it's bad that 'evil' has connotations of evil, only used when something's really bad, but 'good' is used in so many different ways in everyday life, and doesn't have as much of a connotation of being used when something's really good.  Please help me to use 'good' only when I really mean it.

"We have to always do good, enjoyable things."
That's not exactly what he said, but... anyway, I disagree.  Happiness doesn't depend on only having good things happen to you.  It may help, but it ultimately depends on you.  And You.

"Freedom is a good thing.  I think everyone should be free to do what they want--but not anything that would harm anyone."
Disagree.  I think our deepest nature is good, in the purest sense of the word, but evil is so much easier that if we were given complete freedom, with no guide-lines at all, our natural tendency would be to do what's easy, what's evil.  And the classification, "but not anything that would harm anyone" can't really be said, party because it restricts 'freedom' and so isn't really valid, and partly because--what's harm?  Physical harm?  Emotional harm?  How much emotional and physical harm?  When someone has complete freedom other than that, I think it would be easy to chip away and chip away at your only restrain until it wasn't there at all.  And I believe that You give me freedom, by giving me rules.  I know, that didn't make any sense.  But it sort of does.  The rules help us avoid evil and sin, both of which enslave us to our own impulses and to evil.

Genesis 31

I feel like both Jacob and Laban were a bit in the wrong here.  Laban may have cheated Jacob over Rachel and Leah, but Jacob cheated Laban with the spotted goats and sheep.  He whines about everything to Rachel and Leah for a bit.  Why are You on Jacob's side, encourage him in that dream?  Is it because of Abraham?  Or did something not get told, something that would make me understand why You supported Jacob?  Then Rachel and Leah answer, here they seem really bitter about their father.  Jacob runs away like a coward.  I must admit, that's probably how I would handle such a situation. If Laban's not supposed to say a word to Jacob, then why do they start talking?  Both of them seem really bitter about how their relationship turned out.  That's what you get when you're always betraying and fighting for power.  Definitely doesn't make you friends.  Really superstitious about the household gods, stole them. Didn't trust You.  But how much did Jacob tell Rachel and Leah about You?  Not sure they mention You that much.  Laban and Jacob's covenant seem like an a really uneasy 'good-riddance!' covenant.

Genesis 30

Wow, what a lot of pettiness.  Especially, "Give me children or I shall die!", what a drama queen.  But also shows how much a woman's identity/self-worth was wrapped up in bearing children, this whole part of the chapter does.  Again with the maidservants!  I really wonder how they felt about all this--I think it would be horrible to have your children taken away to be raised by someone else, but still have to see them every day.  Then the incident with the mandrakes.  That, I think, shows the relationship between Rachel and Leah very clearly.  Love how Leah says "You must come in to me; for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes."  Why would you tell him that?  I feel like she was trying to rub in her victory, but I also think it was mostly just awkward.  Have I mentioned before that Jacob can't have disliked Leah that much since they had 6 sons and must have been having a lot of sex?  Then the story with Jacob and the speckled sheep and goats.  I always used to really like the story, but now I think it was just horrible from Jacob, just more deception on his part.  Especially when he chooses to try and make only the good sheep have speckled babies.

Genesis 29

Jacob goes to Laban, Rebekah's brother.  They agree that Jacob will work seven years in return for Rachel as his bride.  That seems like a really long time.  Rachel doesn't seem to have any say.  But for Jacob, the seven years "seemed to him like a few days because of the love he had for her."  Aww.  Then Laban gives him Leah instead of Rachel.  WHAT??  Why did Laban do that?  Poor Leah, given to a husband who didn't even want her.  Just the deceiver of Esau and Isaac has now been deceived.  Your justice, Lord?  Then he works for another seven years for Rachel--wow, he must have really loved her.  Oh, and Jacob really didn't notice it was Leah until the next morning??  Someone pointed out to me once that he was probably drunk, and that makes sense.  Jacob really favored Rachel; again, poor Leah.  And You didn't like the favoritism, so You blessed Leah (isn't that another form of favoritism?)  And after first son Leah says, "Surely now my husband will love me."  That's so sad, how she sees herself as worth only her children, tries to earn Jacob's love.  Thank You that we don't have to earn Your love.  Please be with everyone everywhere who are trying to get their worth from the wrong thing.

Details

Today I saw some plants growing on the wall, they struck me as really beautiful.  It's the little things--just looking at all the details, the intricacy of everything.

Didn't do a Bible thing this morning, I felt You calling me not to.  So I just talked to You instead.  It was nice.

Genesis 28

Jacob sent away, to find a wife of his own people.  Then Esau tried to please his parents, when he saw what Jacob did and that they liked it, by marrying one of his people, one of Ishmael´s daughters.  That's really sad.  Trying anything you can to please your parents--he must really not feel loved by them.  Also, why did Isaac bless Jacob again when Jacob left?  That seems stupid to me, if he really did regret blessing Jacob instead of Esau.  Jacob sees angels going into heaven.  First thought here was: why did you show such a jerky person such a cool thing?  But am I any better?  We all have our flaws.  I would never steal anything from my brother, but I still sin against You and against others in other ways.  Like Abraham, when God speaks to him somewhere, Jacob's reaction is to worship and create an altar.  That's a good reaction; please help me to have so good of a reaction.  And I think Jacob is the first to mention tithing.

Train Station

At the train station today, I started praying for everyone who walked by.  Watching everyone.  I got a bit of a feel for how amazing You are--You know everything about every one of those people, can pay attention to all of them at the same time.  And not just the 100+ that I saw today, but all the 6 billion that live on this planet.  You are amazing.

Genesis 27

That was ridiculous--that was exactly like a soap opera!  How Jacob pulled off that deception seems a little feeble to me, but Isaac did ignore the fact that it was Jacob's voice ( and Esau must have been really hairy when wearing a goat skin felt like him).  Rebekah unabashedly loves Jacob more.  Why?  Here you can see that favoritism pulls families apart.  And the family seems to be a warzone, not a group of people who love\support each other.  How horrible.  The idea of blessing--the power of words.  Once said can't be retracted (my Bible says, "like an arrow shot towards its goal"), and the words said influence your life forever.  Words powerful for them, like names.  I wish we thought like that sometimes, that things you say for forever, can't be undone, so shouldn't lie or anything.  We as a culture, I mean.  Poor Esau.  He keeps trying to do things the right way and keeps being deceived and outsmarted by Jacob.  It's very sad.

Genesis 26

Isaac went to see Abimelech too.  You're always talking here about how You were Abraham's god too, and how great Abraham was; I wonder if that frustrated Isaac, how well he got along with his father.  You also remind Isaac that You will keep Your promises.  Then Isaac tells everyone that Rebekah is his sister; it must run in the family.  But no one tries to take Rebekah, instead someone sees Isaac "fondling" Rebekah.  How inappropriately would that have been seen?  I feel like married people didn't show affection in public (especially when they're pretending to be related?  That was stupid, Isaac).  Lesson: don't lie about things, don't let your emotions get away from you.  Trust in You rather than lies to protect you (although You still protected Isaac--don't need to be perfect).  Everyone dislikes Isaac because he's so rich and powerful.  Lonely for Isaac?  Lots about wells--water was power.  Isaac makes an oath with Phillistines.  You appear to Isaac again.  How did You appear?  Why don't You do that now?  Or was it the same as now?  Or were they more willing to believe in manifestations or voices or whatever back then?  The little section about how Esau's wives "made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah" made me laugh.

Genesis 25

Mostly genealogy.  Abraham marries someone else supposedly, and they have tons of kids (didn't get Abraham's blessing of multitude, though?).  Why did he marry again?  Sarah wasn't good enough for him?  He also wasn't very nice to his other sons, just gave them a few gifts and sent them away from Isaac.  Gee thanks, dad.  Then Abraham dies.  Isaac and Ishmael actually deal with the burial together.  Ishmael had lots of kids.  Isaac had Esau and Jacob.  Favoritism.  Then Esau sells his birthright for some lentils... that was smart.  That's why not to let emotions dominate.  There wasn't any other food in the house? 

Life

Saw a butterfly on a flower today.  Life goes on despite death and suffering, to them our suffering isn't important.

Genesis 24

Abraham wants Isaac to have a wife from the Canaanites, sends his servant (who's never named) to find him a wife.  The servant prays to the "God of my master Abraham," not his god.  :(  But You still listen to him--You help him find Rebekah, she helps the servant with his camels.  There, she's very kind.  The servant's invited in--more of their hospitality.  The servants repeats the whole story, practically word-for-word--remember reading once that it's because the stories originally spoken, the audience needed to be reminded of what's happened, enforce with repetition.  They actually gave Rebekah a choice--I'm surprised.  What would have happened if she'd said no, though?  And then Isaac and Rebekah marry.

Genesis 23

Sarah died.  Abraham doesn't seem very upset--oh, just kidding, he totally mourns for her.  Abraham buys a cave for her burial.  He refuses to accept the cave for free, insists on paying full price for it (so he's not seen as asking for/accepting charity?).  Why was this story considered important enough to be written down and told?  Is Machpelah/Hebron in what would become Israel?

Genesis 22

Abraham offered Isaac, his only son, to You--or was willing to. The faith of this always blows me away.  You do rub it in a bit--not just go sacrifice your son, but go sacrifice your only son, Isaac, whom you love,  I guess another way of testing Abraham.  Lessons: do what You say even when it seems wrong, the blessings of following You and doing Your will are many.  Always wonder what effect this had on Abraham and Isaac's relationship.  Feel like it wasn't great for it.  Introduces the idea of You asking for things just to see if we'll do it, rather than because You actually want us to do it.  Been a lot of that lately between us, I think.

Peace

Last night I was praying about traveling, because I'm traveling today.  Telling myself that You control everything and You would take care of me, and the knowledge that You were in control gave me a deep peace, even while on a much shallower level I was still worried.  It was weird, but profound.

Genesis 21

You performed a miracle, gave Sarah a child.  Then she gives another reason why Isaac means ‘he laughs’.  Don’t know why she mentions Abraham’s old age and not hers; hers is more important, after all.  Then Sarah is jealous of Hagar and Ishmael again.  She wants to banish them, and You tell Abraham to do whatever Sarah wants (really?  Why?  Why did You allow Abraham to give in to Sarah’s jealousy and pettiness?).  You save Hagar and Ishmael, show them where water is.  But it also doesn’t way what they lived on, and I bet it was a hard, hard life, especially for Hagar.  Poor Hagar.  It’s not her fault that her mistress was a witch with a capital B.  Abraham and Abimelech.  They make an oath and then they make a covenant with seven ewes.  Abimelech was a Philistine?  And Abraham built an altar to You.

T-Shirt

Today I wore a Kirk vs. Picard t-shirt.  When I went to the movies, the cashier commented on it.  It struck me as really sweet.

Genesis 20

Here again Abraham tells someone that Sarah is his sister, not his wife.  Again, some king gets in serious trouble with God for having a new wife that wasn’t actually his.  This time they did make it extremely clear that no extramarital sex occurred (I wasn’t sure the other time) (is this just a different version of the other story, I wonder, or did it happen twice?) (if it happened twice, You were very patient, God.  But You are, really).  Anyway, You punished the king for taking Sarah as his wife, even though he didn’t know Sarah was married, and couldn’t have known.  Do You always punish us for our unintentional sins, too?  Abimelech seems like a decent guy--other than the fact that he seems to just take random women as wives, whether anyone involved wants it or not--because I can’t imagine Abraham actually agreeing to let the king have Sarah as his wife.  If he did, than Abraham is was more of a wimp than I thought.  I see a definite pattern, though, where You punish the people Abraham meets, but You don’t seem to punish Abraham.  Maybe I’m forgetting something, but--why is that?  Why, for instance, does Abraham get more sheep, cattle, etc. because he lied to the king about Sarah, and the king gets punished?  Isn’t the whole situation really Abraham’s fault, not the king’s?  Well, except for the fact that the king is just kidnapping random women for wives.  He doesn’t seem to have learned a lesson about that.  Is there a lesson?  Or would there have been, 1000s of years ago, when women were little more than property?  But You use and love and have relationships with women, too.

Discussion

Today I saw a good friend I haven’t seen in a long time.  Discussing the Bible with her was an amazing reminder of the need for good Christian friends.

Genesis 19

Sodom and Gomorrah.  As I was reading this, I was getting really into the story, the excitement and the tension.  That was cool, thank You.  The men of Sodom were really creepy.  Just have sex with some random guy off the street??  Lot was the only good person in the city--everyone but him came and wanted to rape the angels.  Including his daughters’ future husbands?  When he’s facing off the crowd, Lot is so determined to protect his guests that he offers his two daughters instead.  That would have been a huge sacrifice for him--they would be disgraced forever, and I assume he loved them enough to just not want to see them disgraced and hurt that way--but he doesn’t seem to have hesitated.  Wow.  That was very selfless of him, and I’m sure it’s supposed to be seen as a good deed on his part.  But he also doesn’t seem to think at all about his daughters except as a bargaining chip, as something he has every right to offer to the ravening mob to protect his guests.  Do You really see that as right?  Noticed the angels didn’t let that happen; they blinded the mob instead.  Also noticed that You kept Your promise to Abraham--less than 10 good people in the city, so OK for You to destroy it and You still saved Lot.  Wish You always saved good people.  You destroy sin.  Lot’s two daughters are weird.  Like, there aren’t any other men in the entire world?!  Why couldn’t you have gotten married?  That must have been the most awkward conversation ever... “Hey, dad.  The thing is, I’m pregnant.”  “Me too.”  “What?!  With who?  How?”  “Well... with you.”  “Both of us.”  “We got you drunk and came in and had sex with you while you were completely smashed because we were afraid that we would never have kids and our line would die.”  “I’m sorry, you did what?”  Like, who does that?   Not sure how acceptable it was to the Israelites or to you, though--the sons became the Moabites and the Ammonites, neither of which were known for their goodness.

Genesis 18

You came to Abraham.  Abraham had amazing hospitality--or did he know the men were angels?  Because then it’s just You speaking.  You seem to have a physical presence here (or just the angels?).  Sarah laughed (another version of why Isaac means ‘he laughs’?).  Love how much they skirt around saying anything about anything when it comes to womanhood.  You decided not to hide anything from Abraham (You chose him--why him?).  Why did You need to go see how bad Sodom and Gomorrah were?  Didn’t You already know?  Then You admit to mercy, wouldn’t destroy the city if fifty righteous there--bring it down to 10.  You are merciful.

Presentation

I had a big presentation today.  Right before I was about to go, I just gave the whole presentation to You.  And it totally worked!!  I was loud enough even though I wasn’t really trying or thinking about it, stumbled a bit at the beginning but then got over it and actually wasn’t nervous at all!  That’s never happened to me before!  So thank You, thank You, thank You!!

Genesis 17

More of Your promises and so far they’ve all been kept--Jews still around, still a big group.  i think this is the first time You mention that Abram has to keep up his side of the deal, too--rather than just saying that he’s righteous.  Well, sort of.  The Israelites broke Your covenant all the time, but You were still loyal to them.  What’s so special about circumcision?  Why is that the sign You chose? (that is what it is, right?)  Besides being rather male-centric, how does that set Your people apart?  Why not choose something more visible? (Christianity isn’t necessarily a visible difference...)You change Abram and Sarai’s names.  Names are important.  Like in yesterday’s chapter, Hagar calls You “a God of seeing.”  Way to laugh at God, Abraham.  Great idea.  Now your son has to be called “he laughs” forever.  Ishmael--blessed, but not part of the covenant.  :(  Why Abram and his descendant Isaac?  What was so special about Abraham?  Why did You choose him to be the first with Your covenant between You, when You had billions of people to choose from arrayed all through time?  What made Abraham (and Sarah?) so special?  Mush have sucked, getting circumcised at 99.  And for the slaves, too, who had no choice at all, just had to get bought with this crazy guy who came up with circumcision.  :/  Abraham did come away from talking with You, though, and immediately do what You told him.  Good model.

Bank Teller

I talked to a very kind banker on the phone today.  I had a horrible day and really wasn’t looking forward to calling them, but the guy I got was very nice, and for whatever reason talking to him just made me feel so much better.  Thank You God!

Genesis 16

It’s really interesting that Abram and Sarai both seem to think it’s not weird to consider Hagar’s child their own.  Very controlling master-servant (master-slave?) relationship.  Is it just me, or are we supposed to sympathize with Hagar?  This is why should have one man and one woman, otherwise jealousy’s ridiculous.  Don’t blame Hagar at all for her contempt.  But God comforts Hagar, says her son’s descendants will be numerous, too--or is that just because of Abram?  You didn’t want her to despair, You wanted her to keep living.  And Hagar is amazed that You allowed her to see You and live.  But she just saw an angel; does that mean angels are just smaller versions of You?  Sarai blames Abram rather than taking blame herself--like Adam and Eve.  Did she know she’d done wrong?  I think what she did was wrong, forcing her maid to have “her” child.  And she wasn’t trusting that You would give her a child, someday (did Abram ever tell her about Your promise?).  But Abram still knew, and he still slept with her anyway (Men... *snorts*).  And once Hagar starts hating Saria (but not him... hm, interesting), he seems to think Sarai has the right (although that could just be a survival thing, not wanting to live with an angry wife, or just automatically assuming that his wife was right and the servant was wrong).  Either way, he definitely tells Sarai that she can do whatever the hell she wants with Hagar, which is such a recipe for disaster.  Hagar and Sarai probably hate each other at this point!  Hagar hates Sarai because Sarai ordered her to go in to Abram and now she’s pregnant and it’s not even technically her child, and Sarai hates Hagar because Hagar can do everything for Abram that she can’t--well, just bear children, but that was obviously hugely important to her.  What a mess!!  You also seem to side with Sarai a bit.  You tell Hagar to go back to her mistress and submit, implying that Sarai does have a legit claim on Hagar.  Or maybe Hagar staying with Sarai was just part of Your plan.  But You do often want us to acknowledge the legit power, even if it’s not always right.  In some ways this is a very New Testament idea, doing the right thing by acknowledging the proper authority and suffering under it.  Or do You want us to fight unjust powers?  Then again, all powers are unjust to some degree, to someone.  I guess that’s something that really would require Your guidance to do well (but that’s true of everything).

Peace

I felt incredibly rested and peaceful this morning when I woke up.  Even when I realized that my alarm hadn’t gone off and I was late.  And I got out the door on time.

Genesis 15

This chapter struck me as really beautiful.  You promised Abram that You’d take care of him, in many different ways.  A little fragmentary.  Interesting, how You said the time wasn’t right because ‘the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete,’ like You were just sitting, waiting for them to mess up enough that You could punish them.  But at the same time could alost be seen as You letting them make their own decisions, waiting to see what they’ll do.  I can’t imagined You’d have still destroyed them if they had repented.  Also, poor Eliezer, who’s mentioned just this once.  Really interesting mixture of complete belief--I believe I’ll have a son--and questioning.  Again, though, You don’t seem to mind Abram questioning You.  That’s good to know.  :)

Listening

I was talking with someone today.  I really wanted to go to bed, but she really wanted to talk.  The thought flashed across my mind: God loves her, too, and I stayed to listen.  I’m glad I did.

Genesis 14

Adventure story!  Lot is captured by warring kings, and Abram rescues him.  I think it’s interesting that just as much time is spent on background as on the rescuing, and they never do say how Abram did it.  Hm... it’s almost like we’re not supposed to know Abram, they almost reintroduce him.  Lessons... don’t accept gifts from pagan kings?  There is the moment with Melchizedek, who’s credited with being the first true priest for You.  I wonder how that happened?  Like so many other people, he gets one mention and then is never seen again.  Also rescue your family members when they’ve been captured by warring kings... or just when they need help, lol.

Soil

Photo from http://www.mysciencebox.org/soilanalysis

I was learning about soil today.   I was struck by the complexity of everything, how plants affect and change soil and how soil determines what plants can live where.  The speaker was talking about how finely everything is balanced, how if this one thing hadn’t happened, then everything on earth today would be different.  I see You in that complexity, in the fine balance between so many different aspects of nature to create an environment where humans can live.

Genesis 13

Abram and Lot have too many cattle, so they can’t live together anymore.  Abram allows Lot to choose first which way he’ll go--which was very kind and generous of him, since Abram was the elder and could definitely have chosen first if he’d wanted, and no one would have argued or saw that as wrong.  And it’s only after this that Abram promises that Abram and his descendants will be given the land forever.  Abram had to prove himself?  But no, God had already promised Abram--wait, no.  God had already promised Abram that his descendants would become a great nation, but he never promised him what would become the land of Israel until he was actually there.  He had to prove himself by actually going there first? Don’t know.  It’s an interesting thought!

Church

Photo from http://www.stained-glass-patterns.org/

Singing hymns in church and really feeling them.  It’s been too long.  Then a woman at church took the time to introduce herself, to talk with me, to introduce me to others to make me feel welcome, even though she knew I was only staying one week.  I saw You in her kindness, Lord.  May others see You in me.

Genesis 12

Abram had amazing faith, to just follow You like that.  I wonder what the story behind that was, how Abram developed his relationship with You, how You first revealed Yourself to him.  I guess they were a nomadic people, so they were always moving, but they were also moving away from the places they knew, so they wouldn’t know where to take their flocks to feed them and would have to rely on God.  Abram’s automatic response, whever anything happens between him and God is to build an altar--to worship.  Please help me to have the same response, Lord.  What does the famine have to do with going to Egypt?  How did Abram, a nomadic visitor, get introduced to the pharaoh, anyway?  Abram lied, didn’t trust God to protect him and Sarai.  But this was before God had revealed His true nature--not much later, Abram thinks it’s perfectly normal to sacrifice his son to You.  So pharaoh took Sarai as is wife???  Oops.  It’s so interesting, though, how You punished pharaoh for his accidental sin--after all, how was he to know Sarai was already married?--and rewarded Abram for his intentional deception and sin--it sounds like pharaoh gave Abram all sorts of gifts because of Sarai.  I guess it could be another clever form of punishment to the pharaoh.  How did Sarai feel about all this?  It sounds like Abram basically let the pharaoh take Sarai as his wife, without protesting.  That must have been terrifying!  Or maybe the women were used to being treated like possessions.  I don’t know.  Still, though... Or maybe God rewarded Abram because of his earlier promise, that he would curse anyone who cursed Abram.  You keep Your promises--but You also let us take the consequences of our own sin.  At least now You do.  But things were different in the Old Testament--You were different.  Or maybe just everyone’s perception of You was different--You are unchanging, after all.  But how You act really does seem to change between the Old Testament and the New Testament.  Then again, does changing how You act necessarily change who You are, why You act the way You do?  I don’t know.  Overall, Abram has really good moments and moments when I really don’t like him--so he’s like all of us, I guess.

Children

Photo from http://www.wechealthunit.org/family-health/safety/
articles/teaching-children-traffic-safety-rules

Seeing the joy of children running around in the park and dancing to the music that was playing there.

Genesis 11

First the tower of Babel.  This seems to me like a really old myth, where You aren’t described as You would be later.  Like, the first time I read “nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them,” I thought You sounded almost threatened, and I think that’s much more something a god like Zeus would think.  The second time I thought it sounded like You wanted to keep man from accomplishing too much which, again, is something Zeus would think of.  I’ve always felt like those gods never really want humans to succeed--like when they punish the man who stole fire for humanity..  I’ve always thought You wanted us to succeed, but maybe not.  Then again, maybe You also have a different perception of success--for example, someone who follows You is successful no matter what they have or haven’t done with, say, their career?  Or maybe You didn’t want them to get arrogant?  And You “go down” to confuse whoever’s building the tower, makes it sound like You have a physical body.  Reminded me of Genesis 1, I think You were described with a body there, too.  Then more genealogies, leading up to Abram this time.  I think Sarai is the first woman to be mentioned by name since Eve, although Noah’s wife was mentioned, as were Noah’s sons’ wives.

View

Image from http://www.summitpost.org/cone-peak/151711

Sitting on a rock, looking at a gorgeous view of a snow-covered mountain and a bunch of mountain meadows.  I just couldn't think about anything but how wonderful and amazing and awesome You are.

Genesis 10

Another genealogy.  This one is pretty interesting because it's all about how Noah's sons (who are supposed to be the only people left) populated the world--like, these guy's descendants became the coast people, this one's became the Philistines, and so on.  I wonder what "a mighty hunter before the Lord" means (about Nimrod, 10:9).  He was the first to be "a mighty man".  I wonder what he did to earn that title.  I bet it's a really interesting story.  What a tantalizing hint!  Then again, I wouldn't be all that excited about the story if it had been in the Bible the whole time.

Sitting outside

Photo from http://www.outreach.psu.edu/shaverscreek/
index-wpsu-features.html

Sitting outside, I realized how much a part of us nature is; we're not meant to be inside all day.  I have such a sense of peace and joy when I'm outside--being so obviously in Your creation?  I've definitely always seen You more in nature than in people.  Is that bad?

Genesis 9

More about humans ruling the earth.  Ick.  You also say that they can eat any animals--so why do You have clean and unclean animals for the Israelites?  What's 9:5 about, all that about the lifeblood?  My Bible's notes say that whole section is God saying to restrain violence because violence was part of the corruption of the earth before the flood.  Is lifeblood something to do with souls?  Then Your covenant with Noah, to no flood the earth again.  Marked by a rainbow.  Why do You need reminding of Your promises?  Is it realy to remind us?  Were there no rainbows before the flood?  Rainbows seen from orbit are actually perfect circles--what a beautiful reminder of Your promise.  Like a circle has no end, so You love has no end, and You'll keep Your promises forever.  And then Noah gets drunk.  It's good to know no one's perfect.  Ham must have been the youngest.  :)  Seriously, though, totally know people like that; everyone probably does.  Who instead of doing anything about anything, just tell people about the problem.  It seems to me that Noah overreacts, though; what about a little forgiveness?  Didn't you ever get drunk?  Isn't cursing Ham and his descendants to be his brothers' slave forever a little extreme?  If every parent cursed their child every time they did something wrong, there'd be a lot of cursed children out there. Then again, I bet Noah felt just incredibly humiliated once he woke up.  Still--whole thing's a great lesson in how not to act, except for Shem and Japheth; they were very mature.

Mountains

photo from http://www.everytrail.com/best/hiking-oregon

Reading psalms in a mountain meadow.  Reading about Your glory while surrounded by the majesty of Your creation was an amazing reminder of Your power and presence.  Very peaceful.  The psalms are beautiful--they seem to say what my souls wants to say.

Genesis 8

In this chapter You flooded the earth.  If everything was flooded for 10 months--sorry, 13 months--how did the plants survive?  Those are some hardy plants.  13 months--that's a long time to stay in an ark with 8 people!  And a bunch of animals, but not sure I'd mind that as much.  After everything, Noah worshipped You.  A lesson, I think.  And then You decided You'd never flood the earth again, or mess with it so much again, until the end of the earth.  That's very good to know, considering global warming and stuff.  It's funny to think--OK, awe-inspiring--that You could change the seasons if You wanted to.  But why not?  You created the whole universe, so the power needed to change the earth's orbit or location is completely possible for You, even though for us the thought of the power needed to do that is so staggering we can't comprehend it.  Speaking of space, something I've always wondered--if there are aliens, are You their God, too?  Or are we really the only planet with life in the universe?  Would they worship You?  What would Your history with them be?  How would Jesus have died for them? (if he did--but I don't see why he wouldn't have).  Would they have their own Garden of Eden-like story?   (Because I somehow don't think You would have done things exactly the same there).  Very interesting to think about.  But anyway--the part where You decide never to curse the earth (sorry, ground) because of humans again ("For the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth"... hm.  Thought-provoking. We'll always find more ways of being evil.  And that I can believe) (what is global warming, then?  (Or just humans in general?  Sometimes they seem to me like quite a curse for the poor earth).  No, wait.  Global warming is a direct result of our actions, and God never protects us from the consequences of our actions.  Whereas the flood was God's punishment, thought of by God, and not a direct consequence of man's sins).  Anyway, when You decide to not curse the ground again, that makes it sound like a split-second decision.  Didn't you already know what You were going to do, because You can see the future?  Or, well, I've always liked the idea of You being able to see the past, present, and future all at the same time because time works differently for You than it does for us, but that's not the point.  But I guess You could still decide to change the future by making a different decision, or maybe it's just a decision because there were other choices You could have made.  Like when You gave us free will--You didn't have to, and You knew how that would turn out, the sacrifice You'd ultimately have to make, but You still did it.  Did the Trinity exist in the Old Testament?  Don't see why it shouldn't've, of course, and it seems weird that they should just spring into being as Jesus was conceived.  But never mentioned (of course).  And doesn't Jesus say something about the Holy Spirit coming into existence soon after he returns to Heaven?  Hm...

Wild Strawberries

picture from http://magickcanoe.com/blog/2006/06/29/wild-
strawberries-and-goats/

Saw some wild strawberries today, and of course ate them.  As I ate, I had a great feeling of joy and contentment... so thank You for that gift.

Genesis 7

This story (the flood) reminds me of Your destructive power--You can be that way when You want to.  I always think of You as gentle, but in the Old Testament You're rather much destructive.  Getting those animals into the ark must have been difficult!  I've always loved how every culture has a flood in their myths--maybe there really was a worldwide flood.  If so, that was one big ark!  What else... I'm sorry, really not feeling it today.  At all.  Very tired.  Please help me to be faithful today anyway, now of all times, when I'm not feeling it.  Because feelings aren't as important as we think they are, i think.  Wow, so much death, and so much water.  You seem to do everything in this chapter--You close the ark, You make the flood, You send the animals to Noah.

The Sun

So, I've decided to add another part to this blog.  Every day, I'll post a picture that has something to do with a moment where I saw God.  Or maybe just describe the moment.

image from http://www.solarnavigator.net/the_sun.htm

Today the warmth of the sun reminded me of God's presence.

Genesis 6

Interesting... Your children, Adam and Eve's children, seen as separate from "men."  Almost as a different race/species.  Because didn't have God?  Or know You, I mean?  Also interesting that my first reaction wasn't at the injustice.  Also makes me think of Many Waters by Madeleine L'Engle.  You were very specific about the ark.  If I remember correctly, this is another one where there are two versions of the story.  But no one ever talks about the other one... Also, Noah described as "a righteous man, blameless in his generation"--what about his drunkenness?  Or is this version ignoring that, or is he just "blameless" compared to everyone else in his generation who was crazy wicked?  But why have the sudden comparative "good"--You're all about 'This is good and this is bad', right?  But also not supposed to judge, so maybe it's all up to You.

Genesis 5

Mostly genealogy.  Everyone lived something like 900 years--hm... Yoda people!  How did they do that?  How come we don't live 900 years? (although trust me, I'm not complaining). I think I read somewhere (CS Lewis?) that it was leftover from the Garden of Eden and man's intended immortality.  Everyone except Enoch, who was taken by God after 300 years.  I guess this really shows how important ancestry was to the Israelites.  It is really interested the tidbits they include about people when they do these genealogies, like about Enoch and Lamech naming Noah (although those are some of really the only ones here in this chapter).  Always used to want to make a family tree out of the genealogies in the Bible, just thought it would be cool.  Difficult, of course, mostly because so many people, and they do tend to skip people.  Is it important to understand your heritage?  Not just your parents--obviously they influence you--but generations back?  Interesting question.

Genesis 4

It's interesting how here everyone still hears God's voice and still talks with him almost like they're face-to-face.  Literary embellishment or truth?  Abel and Cain--jealousy.  Why didn't You like Cain's offering?  And seems like You just brush off his anger and upsetness.  But later you address his concerns even while punishing him for killing Abel--you still loved him.  Good to know.  But I've heard You view all sin as the same--is that true?  Please help me to recognize my sin and truly repent of it--I've always been bad at that.

Genesis 3

Hm... temptation.  Blaming others instead of taking responsibility.  (Like childbirth wouldn't already have hurt?  But maybe it wouldn't have, I guess You can do anything You want).  Shame--trying to hide from God.  But he already knows.  Why did You even ask where they were--didn't You already know?  Or did You just want to hear them say it, force them to recognize what they'd done?  Well, sort of.  Not sure they--or we--could ever really understand.  So, we were created to be good and pure.  Our deepest nature is to be good.  But since the Fall, it's been much easier to do evil--as evil is always easier, and can come about just by neglect, whereas you have to work at being good because of the conflicting, overlapping temptation to do evil (i.e. take the easy way out).  Make sense?  Not sure it says what I'm trying to say, what else is new.

Genesis 2

The first part of this sounded really beautiful, very mystical.  Suddenly wish I'd been there.  I bet that would have been completely awe-inspiring.  Second creation myth here?  Remember my Bible always said that.  Seems to to me.  Why does no one talk about that one?  Doesn't that contradict the first one?  So how can people jump from one myth to the other?  Urgh.  You created the world, the universe.  Do I really believe that right now?  Don't know.  Do I really need to feel these things?  Don't remember.  Remember I used to think so.  Prayed all the time that I would really feel my beliefs, in my heart.  But now I'm not so sure.  Are emotions really important to You?  Don't You just want us to follow You, whatever we feel, and feeling sometimes just get in the way?  And should be ignored?  Don't know.  The other thing this passage brings up is evolution.  Not a word about evolution--well, duh.  So what I should I think/believe?  I've never believed in the seven-day creation myth before, but lately I've been feeling uncomfortable about that. You prompting me, or me just thinking I should think such-and-such because I'm a 'Christian'?  Ugh.  Anyway... For instance, the idea that plants need humans to grow is completely ridiculous.  Should I be word-for-word analyzing this?  Is that in the Spirit of Your law?  Or should I just do what I've always done and just say 'The point I get out of this is that You created everything'?  But really, is it legit for me to say, 'This one part of the Bible is stupid so I don't believe that--but don't worry, I believe the rest of it'?  Please guide me, Lord.

Genesis 1

Genesis 1.  Creation.  Like "And the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters."  Thought it was interesting that here you knew exactly what you wanted to create but didn't see that it was good until after created.  Don't you know everything?  Very mythical language (and bulky--or is that just the translation?).  It's kind of beautiful to imagine, actually, everything springing into being.  Nature is very good here (in a way people aren't?).  And then you give people nature--ick.  Never liked this.  Always used to think a lot about what I didn't like in the Bible.  Good or bad?  Should I just believe everything?  That sounds kinda stupid, not gonna lie.  Let me know... feel like I've always had the most trouble finding a way to really listen, to know what you want.  Never trusted my feelings--can't feelings be manipulated?  A lot?  ... Also trouble with obeying.

Introduction

Ever wonder why to read the Bible, what it can teach us?  I know I do sometimes.  But it’s the stories of hundreds of other people, trying to follow God.  Imagine everything their stories could teach us!   So that’s what I’m doing here.  I’m reading the Bible, one chapter at a time, and writing about what it made me think of, what insights I gained, what God says to me about it.  Forgive me if they’re a bit stream of consciousness.  But I felt God calling me to start a blog based on my reflections, so I hope and pray that they will make you think, and that God will show Himself to you through them.