1 Samuel 13

This chapter is about Saul's rule as king.  It starts out with him doing something stupid--irritating the Philistines--and then just doing something wrong--sacrificing to the Lord when he'd been told to wait for Samuel to do anything.  Just thinking, "Man, he messed up.  Don't be like that!"  But I am like that!  I'm imperfect and I sin all the time, more than I know.  So what right do I have to judge Saul, any more than I have the right to judge someone that I've met in person or heard about from a friend?  And it just struck me suddenly to see the Bible as the stories of hundreds of flawed people searching for God.  Some of them, like Saul, ultimately failed.  They all failed and sinned at least once, whether the story of it is recorded in the Bible or not.  Instead of judging their failures, why not learn from their mistakes?

Slippery Lies

A lot happened today that I want to write about and reflect on.  Firstly, I went to see the leader of my Christian fellowship group individually today--just to get to know him because I'm still pretty new to the group.  We talked for almost an hour and a half, and it was actually really nice.  I'm normally pretty hesitant to open up to people, especially about spiritual matters, but I told him a lot of things about my faith life that I've never told anyone else, especially about the two-year period where I abandoned Christianity.  I also told him about the moment that brought me back, a moment where I messed up something by forgetting to turn in a form, and I had this sudden, crushing realization that I couldn't do it--life, anything, everything--by myself, that I needed God for that.  And he said that God uses those moments a lot, that all through the Bible you find stories of people and of Israel where they are brought to despair or a full knowledge of how incapable they are of doing anything alone.  It was good to feel like I'm not the only one who's ever abandoned Christianity and then come back to it, even though I know with my mind that it's true.  Also, the fact that he completely didn't judge that stupid decision, just said, "I'm glad you've come back to the faith again", made me feel forgiven all over again.  I hadn't even realized that I still felt guilty about that period of my life.

The idea of belief in the Bible came up a bit later.  He noticed that I made a funny face before agreeing that yes, I believe that the Bible is true, and we started talking about evolution.  While we were talking, I was thinking, "Yes, I'm not entirely sure what I believe about creationism vs. evolution, but it's not affecting my faith at all.  It's not the thing that will bring down my faith.  I have faith that God created the world and I don't necessarily need to know how."  How complacent!  One idea that really struck me during our conversation was how Christianity involves development, constantly checking in with God and changing how you're thinking/acting if you need to, and thinking about your faith and why you believe it.  Can I really just say, "I'm not sure" and move on?  I'm not saying that we have to find all the answers to all the questions.  But I have posted about the issue at least a few times before--that shows that it's an issue that I'm at least thinking about and struggling with it at least a bit.  Even if I don't think it's an issue that will cause me to lose faith in God, does that mean I should just ignore it or pretend I've resolved the issue?  I must say I think the answer is no.

Finally, I come to the idea of slippery lies.  In fellowship today, the speaker was talking about a time in his life when he thought, almost without realizing it, that God wasn't with him.  Looking back on this period later in life, he realized that he'd thought this and all the trouble this thought had caused him.  He also brought up the image of a field covered in bananas, which are slippery--slippery lies.  "What slippery lies am I telling myself about God, about myself, or about life that are causing me to sin?"  I think so much of my personal struggles this week were due to something similar--me struggling with pride, but refusing to acknowledge that pride in my life.

Thank You, God, for a wonderful day!

1 Samuel 8

This is the chapter where the Israelites ask God for a king.  I feel like this is such a relevant chapter.  They want a king because Samuel's sons aren't good judges--they want stability, a set chain of successors, the don't want to have to depend on God to bring a new, good judge every time one dies.  They want a king because everyone else has one--peer pressure.  Neither of those reasons are good reasons to want anything.  And God says to Samuel to tell them that that's not what He wants, that it's a sin, and that it's just a new form of idolatry.  I thought that last reason was really interesting--I've never heard the idea of idolatry not being just about false gods in the Bible before, or at least not in the Old Testament (were kings seen as gods?).  Also can't help noticing that God said, "This isn't what I want, but if they keep asking for it I'll give it to them."  Does God really do this?  Even when it's so not in our best interests?  Sometimes I feel like God does that with me, when I ask for something I know I shouldn't and He says yes anyway.  Does He really say yes to every prayer? (if He does, I should be a lot more careful what I pray for!).  But it seems to me that 'No' is an answer to a prayer, even if it's not necessarily the answer you wanted.  But I've also only really noticed that in more personal prayers: "Should I have dessert tonight?" But God also seems to say no to other prayers, to prayers of healing (does going to heaven count as healing?), for peace in wars and food for the hungry.  But maybe I'm just looking at the wrong perspective or not doing enough.

Today

Today was a much, much better day than the last two days, and I think that was all due to God.  So thank You!!!!  Several things that happened yesterday that I thought went poorly actually went well, I found out today, and that was definitely all God.  So I thank Him for that.  I also just had a much more positive attitude.  I'm not sure if it was just because nothing really bad happened to me today, or if I was relying on God more (or, hopefully, both), but I am so thankful for it nonetheless.

Names

Today wasn't much better than yesterday.  In the course of these two bad days, I noticed something about myself that comes forward sometimes, but much, much more when I have a bad day (or two): when I'm frustrated with myself, I'll say things to myself like, "That was silly," or, "You're acting like a child," or, "I was never very good at that anyway; why are you surprised that that didn't go well?"

And I also realized how harmful that is.  Saying that to myself never made myself feel better; instead, I always felt worse afterwards.  God loves us.  He loves me.  Not only does He want us to love others and encourage others, but He also wants us to do the same to ourselves.  He created me, sacrificed Himself for me, and He doesn't want me to bring what He created down with negativity and sin.

It's not that I didn't know that before, of course.  I'm not sure I've thought, at least recently, about applying those principles to yourself, as well--which in many ways is harder than applying it to anyone else, because you know all about yourself and the mistakes you've made and the shameful secrets you have.  But God knows us even better than we know ourselves; and if He says we're lovable, who are we to argue?

I don't normally have too much of a problem with excess self-criticism or self-negativity (or at least I don't think I do).  But it's really skyrocketed between me and myself in the past two days.  That got me thinking first of all about how harmful it really can be, and secondly about faith disciplines in general.  Most of them are easy to practice when your life is going well; it's so easy to be thankful and generous and so on when you're happy and contented.  But they're so much harder to practice when you're tired, or sick, or depressed, or angry, or most of all when you can't feel God in your life.  But that doesn't mean He doesn't want you to try.  So that's my prayer for myself tomorrow: that I can act as God would want me to act, even when I don't feel like it or can't feel Him.

Bad Day

I had a pretty bad day today, exacerbated by the fact that I am exhausted.  I would like to thank God, though, that He took my worries away and kept me from worrying all day.  He also granted me an extraordinary piece of grace.

Faith and Culture

Lots of things have been popping up in my life lately that have made me think about how a typical person views a person of faith.  First was a reference, I can't remember where, made to two kinds of people: "reflective, rigid" people and "flexible, easily swayed" people.  I must say, that quote really bothered me at first.  I find the term "rigid" rather negative.  I think of myself as a fairly reflective person, overall, and I think that of most people who are honestly of a faith, Christian or otherwise.  But I also think of myself as a fairly flexible person--I'm willing to go along with many different ways of doing anything, as long as I don't think anything involved is outright wrong.  But maybe that's exactly what was meant--someone who is reflective has thought about their faiths and their beliefs, and knows not only what they believe, but why they believe what they believe.  They would be more likely to know what they believed and less willing to compromise on what they believed to be right.  That probably would make that person seem rigid, especially to someone who didn't know why they were acting the way they were.

I was also reading a book about science today.  The author had the implicit but extremely obvious assumption that science and religion (specifically Christianity) don't mix.  Any time there was a religious scientist, he ridiculed the inherent contradictions in their beliefs in both science and religion.  He argued that as science has developed more and more, it has disproved Christianity/religion more and more, with the rather obvious implication that anyone who continued to believe was ignoring the evidence.  He even went so far as to say that the diversity of life practically proves that there is no intelligent design, which I found utterly ridiculous.  I would even argue the opposite, that science only proves more and more how awesome God is.  I think that the diversity and interdependence of life is proof of His existence and of His power.  I did find it interesting to look at the mix of science and religion from the other viewpoint.  I find it so interesting that he and I can look at the exact same evidence and see two completely different things--he that religion is utterly wrong and disproved by science, and I that religion is right and science only proves Christianity and the existence of God.

Goodness

Today I read an article that claimed that everyone has or should have the right to do things like have an abortion, even if those things aren't right (it was a Christian author).  I agree--God gave us the choice, after all--but that's not really why I'm writing about it.  That got me thinking about rights, and what God thinks of them.  I remember reading once (I believe in The Shack) that to God, we have no rights.  Is that true?  God is our Lord and King; does a subject ever have rights under his/her king?  While the British would argue yes, I'm not sure God would.  He's more than an earthly king; He always has our best interests in mind, even if it doesn't seem like it, and He is good.  But His will is supreme.  If He wanted to, He could throw us into hell; I found that thought strangely disturbing, which made me wonder if I'm starting to take my salvation for granted.  Probably.  Or maybe just because the idea goes so against all ideas I have of God as being fair and loving.

At my Christian fellowship today, we actually talked about goodness, especially God's goodness.  I think the two things that stuck with me the most from the time was actually the verses where the opposite of goodness was being discussed; Jesus said, "No one is good but God alone" (Mark 10:18).  Again and again, I am reminded of that in my own life.  This is something I really struggle with; I remember that early in my faith I would come to prayer and think, "I have nothing to ask forgiveness for, I haven't done anything wrong."  I am so thankful that God has opened my eyes to my sin (although it was a long process).  Later Paul writes, "For no human being will be justified in his sight by works of the law, since through the law comes knowledge of sin" (Romans 3:20).  This passage reminded me of something C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity about how you don't realize how sinful you are until you try not to sin.  When you know the law--know the model you should be striving for--you realize how far away you are from that model, and how much you need God.  Maybe that was why Jesus told us to be perfect--so that we would realize how imperfect we are.  But also, I think, so that we would strive for perfection, through Him.  Yes, we are imperfect and can never be perfect, but we should also strive to be the best we can be, to be what and who God wants us to be.  Paul continues a few verses later: "Since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, they are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus" (Romans 3:23-24).  Again, we have all sinned and will continue to do so, but because of Jesus and His sacrifice, we will be redeemed.

All this talk of goodness made me think about the lack of it in my own life.  Even Jesus admitted, I am not good and will never be; only God is good.  Even during the meeting, I couldn't keep my thoughts on what was going on; even more strongly, I was reminded of a presentation I gave a few days ago, which I feel personifies the problem so well.  I worked hard on the presentation, practiced it several times, looked it over for typos.  But once I'd submitted it, I thought of ways to make it better; even as I was giving the presentation, I thought of ways in which I could have made it better.  I regretted not thinking of them sooner.  And yet I was told that it was a good presentation.  But I would disagree!  It wasn't that good!  Was/am I just being a perfectionist?  Maybe society and I have different ideas; maybe I just give a lot (too much?) effort and thought to everything I do, which I refuse to think of as a bad thing.

Even more, I see this dynamic playing out in my spiritual life.  I thought that I had basically conquered the worry in my life, and could place my worries in God's hands and never think about them again.  This week I've learned how wrong I was; I have had so many worries, and I've been worrying about them constantly.  I've tried to give them to God, repeatedly, with limited success.  I haven't slept well for days now because they keep coming back to haunt me just as I try to go to sleep.  Alternatives and options play out in my head as I lie there, wishing I could just go to sleep.  I try telling myself that God is ruler of the universe and can turn things to His plan, that perhaps this is His plan, that if God cares for the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on my head and has a plan for me then He will certainly care for me, that there is no reason to worry because God is in control.  It may or may not work for short periods of time, but every night the worries come back again.

In the past day or two, I've really started to wonder about the effectiveness of my methods.  Am I really and truly trusting my worries to God when I say these things, or just saying them to myself to make myself feel better or because that's what I 'think' I should say?  Why can't I seem to trust God with these worries?  I don't doubt that the problem is with me, not God; I don't doubt that God is all-powerful and could solve my problems if He chose to; I don't doubt that He has a plan for me; I don't doubt that the problem will, eventually, be resolved.  But I still can't stop worrying!!  

Anyway, the point is that I'm not good.  But God is, and He is working for my good, and to help me become more like Him--more good.

Tired

I'm not sure what I should post today.  I am tired today--luckily only physically, not emotionally or spiritually.  It's just been a demanding week, and I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday.  Today involved a lot of perseverance.  Unfortunately I made a few bad decisions because of my tiredness, and didn't pray as much as I should have.  I won't lie, a huge factor propelling me through today was the thought of my special Friday morning breakfast tomorrow.  So maybe I'm more emotionally/spiritually tired than I thought.  I did try to live today, though, not merely endure; although I'm not sure how well I succeeded, the fact that I was consciously trying to live today is definitely an improvement over what I would have done in this situation six months ago.  So that's definitely something to be thankful for.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith in the past two days.  Yesterday I watched an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ("Accession") where religion and the idea of faith was an important part of the plot.  It played with the idea of faith and how far you should be willing to go based just on religious faith (and implicitly criticized the idea of following blindly based solely on faith--which, honestly is something I can agree with.  The difference between the faith in the show and my faith is that their faith is truly based on people, following super-advanced aliens (although they're not evil), whereas I am following an all-knowing, all-powerful God.  I feel that my faith is based on something truly worthy and rock-solid).

Today, the idea was mentioned that religion is ultimately, like superstition, humans doing irrational things in the mistaken belief/faith that it will do something.  Which actually brought me back to "Accession", because a character said something along the lines of, "People without faith can't understand that faith; people with faith don't need to understand it."  I honestly thought that was a beautiful line.

But all of these things made me think about what I think about faith, as well.  Everyone talks about faith as if it's someone blindly believing in something that they can't prove or touch or ever know if it really exists--but I don't see my faith like that at all.  Yes, I try to follow wherever God leads me, I suppose blindly, and as to the future, I certain am following God blindly, trying to have faith that it will work out.  So I suppose in that sense my faith is the typical idea of 'faith'.  But in so many other ways, my faith isn't like that at all.  I'm not just hoping that God exists; I know He exists.  I've felt Him, He's worked changes in my life that I never could.  I suppose His existence isn't something I could ever prove to anyone else, but I have seen proof of Him in my life.

Brokenness

Just after I finished writing that last post, I suddenly realized: I am so broken.  I suck at life, and can't do much of anything by myself, however much I tell myself otherwise.  And I heard God say to me, "You think I don't know that?  But I love you anyway, and maybe even more because of your brokenness."

And somehow, despite it all, I felt at peace.

Togetherness

Today, by chance, I met a friend who was feeling very alone.  She was so relieved to see me, and said something about how she felt so much better now that she had someone to be with.  I agreed: "Everything's always easier when someone's with you."  My friend and I then spent rather a lot of time together, and it was much more enjoyable than spending the time alone would have been.

My statement, said so carelessly, really resonated within me.  As Christians, we are never alone; God is always with us, trying to guide us, support us, and love us (when we'll let Him).  That was such a comfort to me today, after spending a large part of the day worrying about aspects of my life that I absolutely cannot control, and am not even entirely sure that I'm following God's will.  Re-realizing that God was with me, and still is, and always will be and wants to take my worries and take care of everything, was such a blessing today.  And God is a better friend and companion than my friend today ever could be; He will always love and support me.

That was a reminder that I needed, too; I have gotten to the end of this day and have realized that I spent way too much of the day trying to deal with my emotions in worldly, selfish ways.  It's not working.  I realize, again, how much I need God, and how much I can't do this--life, I guess--by myself.

Hm...

Alright, I'm not sure I have anything to say.  Other than to apologize for the long blog silence.  This past week, really, has been a huge roller coaster between being very joyful and being very down and sad.

Joshua 9

Just reading this whole section, I've been struck by the total pitilessness of the Israelites, in this whole book, killing everything in what would become their land, from people right on down to goats, and burning everything in their cities.  I know God is pitiless when fighting against evil, I know the people in the land were evil; I know that the ones who weren't killed tempted and misled the Israelites for hundreds of years.  But it still troubles me, still seems like genocide.

Anyway, back to this chapter.  This chapter is the one where the Israelites are tricked into making a pact with the Gibeonites even though they live in their land.  And the whole reason that they do that is because they didn't ask God before leaping.  It even says that in verse 14.  That verse really struck me, because I know there's been way too much of that, of not asking God before leaping, going on in my own life recently.  Lord, please help me to rely on my own judgements less and Yours more.

Abortion

Today on one of the blogs I read, I read, "I think it's awful that there are Christians who think that killing a baby before it's born is OK" (or something like that).  That really irritated me.

Perhaps a short explanation of my ideas about abortion are in order here.  No, I do not think abortion is right.  I think it is murder, just like killing anything else is.  But I also think abortion should be legal.  That may seem paradoxical, and perhaps it is, but there you have it.  For a child to be born unloved or addicted to drugs is awful.  For a woman who's been raped to be forced to have a child from that rape is awful.  I don't think I could ever have an abortion--but I've never been in the situation of having to make that choice, so how can I really say?  Didn't Jesus say, "Do not judge"?  Women trying to give themselves abortions with pens or rusty coat hangers is awful, too.  I think abortion should be legal for the women who are having the abortion.  They can discuss their options with family and friends and experts; they can receive a safe abortion.  Some people may argue that women who have a child they don't want should live with the results of their sin forever.  Maybe that's true; I don't know.  I do think that women in that situation should receive love and support from their Christian friends, in true Christian fashion, not be judged and ostracized for their decision--whatever their decision may be.  Just because someone made a few wrong choices, whether they be sex outside of marriage and/or the decision to have an abortion, that is absolutely no excuse for Christians to treat anyone like a second-class citizen. They may have sinned, but so has everyone.  Yes, we may have this feeling that some sins are worse than others, but where is that in the Bible?  Tiny, tiny sins can be just as horrible and wrong as one huge sin; they can ruin a life just as effectively, and can lead up to "huge" sins.

Being sick

Yesterday I was sick.  Actually, I'm still sick today.  But yesterday after I posted here, I started thinking about how being sick affected how I was thinking.  About a lot of things, I just thought, "Oh, I'm sick, it's fine" and dismissed mediocrity that I totally would not accept from myself under normal circumstances. So today, even though I was sick, I consciously resisted thinking about things like that.  I tried to just give everything my best effort, and the fact that I was sick didn't play into the picture at all.  And, oddly enough, it worked.  I can only attribute it to God, although I'm ashamed to say that I didn't ask for His help with this all that much.  But somehow, I ended the day feeling less sick than I did when I started it, and I really tried with many things rather than focusing all my mental energy on how sick and miserable I was.

Unfortunately, then I had to fight with the opposite problem, of becoming proud of myself and how much I accomplished and so on and so on.  I really was not centered in God today, at all.  I can only thank Him for helping me so much despite that, and ask for His forgiveness.

Oh, I'm definitely sick.  I also don't really have that much to say.  I did not have any interesting thoughts; it was really a struggle to just get through the day.  Although thinking about it, it (the whole getting sick thing, I mean) is a lesson in how things can happen unexpectedly and plans may have to be changed, but to just be flexible about that rather than getting frustrated or stressed out.

Urgh

I think I'm getting sick.  Urgh!

Sabbath Thoughts

I had a wonderful Sabbath today.  I read some of three different books, all just for fun; I watched a lot of Star Trek; I went for a walk; I thought about the last week.  I feel very rested and refreshed.  Thoughts I had about the last week:
-I worried way too much.  Trusting God to deal with my problems is something I definitely need to work on.
-I used my time fairly wisely.
-Especially yesterday, I had such a sense of how I'm still learning and how to think about things critically.
-I didn't pray enough, at all.
-A lot of the time when I read the Bible this week, I read passively, not trying to see what God was trying to tell me through what I was learning.
-I didn't make wise food choices.

Prayer today

Today I prayed for:
-Jason
-hungry people
-people taking exams
-people affected by the tornado

I thanked God for:
-cloudy days
-sleep
-apples with peanut butter
-the Bible
-birds

Disconnected Thoughts

I had a hard time focusing on any one thing today; my thoughts kept wandering, especially at my fellowship meeting.  I thought about: fantasy literature, the cookies we could have afterwards, Star Trek, the cookies, kindness, the cookies, the Old Testament, and probably some other things I can't remember.  I really couldn't focus today!  Despite that, though, despite the fact that I felt inadequate for my complete inability to concentrate on the speaker and think about what s/he was talking about for more than like two seconds, I still felt a calmness in my soul that I know came from God.  Just more proof that He can work through our human nature!

At fellowship today we read a short passage from Proverbs that ended by saying something along the lines of 'do good things and God will repay you.'  No!  That's not how it works anymore!  I mean, yes, God died for me and that's pretty awesome and I suppose could be seen as repaying us for the kindness we do (yeah, just kidding, this thought doesn't actually make any sense... but I'll keep going), but He died for everyone whether they follow Him or not.  Which is a pretty mind-blowing concept, when you think about it.  Anyway, what I was getting at was the fact that I was wondering about the Old Testament.  I've been noticing lately as I've been reading it how very much it's all focused on earning God's love and all the laws and whatnot (although maybe it'll get better once I get through the Pentateuch and all the laws).  And that's not what Christianity is about--so why is it included in the Bible?  The ideas in it are so different than what Christ ultimately teaches.  I've heard the idea that it's the background/history of God's decision to send Jesus, and to some extent I understand that.  But it's also something I've been thinking about a bit lately.

Another thing I've been thinking about (well, mostly just during the fellowship meeting, but whatever) was fantasy literature (which I totally love) and the relation of the characters in those books to some 'Other power'.  Pretty much every fantasy book I've ever read ultimately had some 'other power' that gave the characters power, led and guided them, unified all the good characters, and/or is the ultimate 'good'.  It seems as if almost everyone knows, at least at some level, that people can't really accomplish things like fighting the ultimate evil (like pretty much every fantasy person does) with help, help from something bigger than just another person.  I was also thinking, though, that I wouldn't want to fight evil just for some nameless, faceless, emotionless (or ridiculously emotional--read: a god like the Greek/Roman gods) 'power'.  Well, maybe I would if I didn't know about my God--who can say?--but how would I know, then, that what I thought was right was actually right?  I prefer a real God that I can talk to and hear from, and that I know loves me and died for me.

Sleeplessness

Yeah... so remember how I wrote in my last post about how ready I felt to go to sleep and how I wouldn't stay up late worrying?  Ha!

I literally didn't sleep at all last night.  I was almost awake when I jolted awake and remembered something that I really needed to get done; once I'd finished that, I couldn't get to sleep because I was worrying.  Like, literally could not sleep, which I have never had happen to me before. So instead I tried to sleep, finished a book and started a new one, had a snack, and finished up various tasks that have needed doing for awhile.

Doing all that made me think--yes, my day will be less stressful because these tasks have been completed, but it will also be more stressful (well, probably more frustrating than stressful) because I'll be too tired to function very well.  How important, really, is finishing tasks?  Is the fact that I got a lot done yesterday really a sign of God's faithfulness? (or perhaps a better  question is, is it the biggest sign in my life?)  I'm not sure how much God cares about little tasks getting done.