Today I read an article that claimed that everyone has or should have the right to do things like have an abortion, even if those things aren't right (it was a Christian author). I agree--God gave us the choice, after all--but that's not really why I'm writing about it. That got me thinking about rights, and what God thinks of them. I remember reading once (I believe in The Shack) that to God, we have no rights. Is that true? God is our Lord and King; does a subject ever have rights under his/her king? While the British would argue yes, I'm not sure God would. He's more than an earthly king; He always has our best interests in mind, even if it doesn't seem like it, and He is good. But His will is supreme. If He wanted to, He could throw us into hell; I found that thought strangely disturbing, which made me wonder if I'm starting to take my salvation for granted. Probably. Or maybe just because the idea goes so against all ideas I have of God as being fair and loving.
At my Christian fellowship today, we actually talked about goodness, especially God's goodness. I think the two things that stuck with me the most from the time was actually the verses where the opposite of goodness was being discussed; Jesus said, "No one is good but God alone" (Mark 10:18). Again and again, I am reminded of that in my own life. This is something I really struggle with; I remember that early in my faith I would come to prayer and think, "I have nothing to ask forgiveness for, I haven't done anything wrong." I am so thankful that God has opened my eyes to my sin (although it was a long process). Later Paul writes, "For no human being will be justified in his sight by works of the law, since through the law comes knowledge of sin" (Romans 3:20). This passage reminded me of something C. S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity about how you don't realize how sinful you are until you try not to sin. When you know the law--know the model you should be striving for--you realize how far away you are from that model, and how much you need God. Maybe that was why Jesus told us to be perfect--so that we would realize how imperfect we are. But also, I think, so that we would strive for perfection, through Him. Yes, we are imperfect and can never be perfect, but we should also strive to be the best we can be, to be what and who God wants us to be. Paul continues a few verses later: "Since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, they are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus" (Romans 3:23-24). Again, we have all sinned and will continue to do so, but because of Jesus and His sacrifice, we will be redeemed.
All this talk of goodness made me think about the lack of it in my own life. Even Jesus admitted, I am not good and will never be; only God is good. Even during the meeting, I couldn't keep my thoughts on what was going on; even more strongly, I was reminded of a presentation I gave a few days ago, which I feel personifies the problem so well. I worked hard on the presentation, practiced it several times, looked it over for typos. But once I'd submitted it, I thought of ways to make it better; even as I was giving the presentation, I thought of ways in which I could have made it better. I regretted not thinking of them sooner. And yet I was told that it was a good presentation. But I would disagree! It wasn't that good! Was/am I just being a perfectionist? Maybe society and I have different ideas; maybe I just give a lot (too much?) effort and thought to everything I do, which I refuse to think of as a bad thing.
Even more, I see this dynamic playing out in my spiritual life. I thought that I had basically conquered the worry in my life, and could place my worries in God's hands and never think about them again. This week I've learned how wrong I was; I have had so many worries, and I've been worrying about them constantly. I've tried to give them to God, repeatedly, with limited success. I haven't slept well for days now because they keep coming back to haunt me just as I try to go to sleep. Alternatives and options play out in my head as I lie there, wishing I could just go to sleep. I try telling myself that God is ruler of the universe and can turn things to His plan, that perhaps this is His plan, that if God cares for the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on my head and has a plan for me then He will certainly care for me, that there is no reason to worry because God is in control. It may or may not work for short periods of time, but every night the worries come back again.
In the past day or two, I've really started to wonder about the effectiveness of my methods. Am I really and truly trusting my worries to God when I say these things, or just saying them to myself to make myself feel better or because that's what I 'think' I should say? Why can't I seem to trust God with these worries? I don't doubt that the problem is with me, not God; I don't doubt that God is all-powerful and could solve my problems if He chose to; I don't doubt that He has a plan for me; I don't doubt that the problem will, eventually, be resolved. But I still can't stop worrying!!
Anyway, the point is that I'm not good. But God is, and He is working for my good, and to help me become more like Him--more good.
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