Imagination

I just ran across this quote in one of the blogs that I read:

"Because ours is an age with a will to fiction, the role of imagination is extremely important. Men who will not be governed by God’s word will not be governed by reality, because reality is not of their making. God having created all things, reality reflects the mind of God, not man. Hence, it is the essence of sin to resort to imagination to escape God’s law world...It is essential to imagination to create a man-made world and a man-ordained decree of predestination. It is the essence of sin to demand such a world.” R.J. Rushdoony, Systematic Theology Volume I, pp. 474, 475.

This quote just hit me SO hard, especially that sentence in the middle: "Hence, it is the essence of sin to resort to imagination to escape God's law world".  That is just a very good description of my life a few years ago. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a writer so much that I stopped being a Christian, because God didn't want me to be a writer. He made that perfectly clear, but I ignored Him. Afterwards, my life was almost consumed by imagination--I would imagine scenes from my stories, mostly, over and over and over again. Or I would spend hours obsessively writing out the things I'd imagined, and then not be able to sleep because I couldn't stop my imagination from continuing with the story, with what happened next.  I loved my characters, knew them better than I knew myself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this aspect of myself.  I still struggle with it, sometimes, and God has been so patient with me; when I'm upset, sometimes I will want to do nothing so much as escape into one of my stories.  I can control everything in that part of myself, in that other world; I can do whatever I want to the characters, and they can turn into wonderful people anyway. I think a lot of it is also boredom; real life can be boring--doing the same things week after week, working hard, doing what you know you're supposed to do. And my storylands were just so exciting, full of emotion and adventure and self-discovery (of the characters, not me). 

And that is why the above quote just really struck me, I think; my storylands were such an escape for me, not only from the boredom of everyday life, but also from the fact that I was ignoring God. In my world, a human being could become essentially perfect all on their own, or with the help of a few close friends. And it was just so addicting, this ability to escape to another world! 

This quote also made me feel less alone, unique. I suppose other people escape into dream worlds, but I never really thought about it; the fact that this theologian thought it was important enough, enough of a problem, to write about it, write about the problem of imagination and how it is such a sin when it's used to escape the reality of God and His world, was a bit mind-blowing, but also comforting. I'm not the only one who has ever struggled with this.

I know, how prideful could I be, right?

Anyway, a related topic that I've struggled with a great deal is the subject and content of my reading. I love to read, by the way, and fantasy books are some of my absolute favorites (all my stories were fantasy as well). I think I love it more than any other genre because so often it features characters who are forced to make a choice between right and wrong, and they often grow tremendously in the process (some really good scifi books/shows also do this). But I also love the epic quality of a lot of fantasy stories, and the sense of magic and wonder of so much that goes on around everyone. So I've struggled recently with whether I should read fantasy and scifi books--they can serve the same function as my Storyland at times, escaping from reality, and can sometimes trigger the desire to return to thinking about my stories. I have prayed a lot about this, and oddly enough, I haven't received any overarching demand from God to stop reading/watching fantasy and sci fi. I do pray about every book before I begin to read it, and I have been refused some books.

I think this is related to how I've approached reading lately.  I've been reading to develop my mind and spirit, and I often discover God in a book, or at least read something that makes me think about what I believe.  This is true even in fantasy books, even when they challenge my resolve to not think about my stories anymore.

I just took a break in writing this to go delete everything on my computer, and anywhere I backed it up, that had to do with any of my stories.  And then emptied my trash, just to be on the safe side. It felt very strange. Momentous, and yet as simple as clicking 'Move to Trash'. A few months ago I recycled all my hand-written notes, but I didn't feel God telling me to delete the typed-up copies yet. Maybe I wasn't ready. Even now, I felt a bit of dismay at the thought of deleting those stories--there was no turning back from that, no getting the stories back (whereas a lot of my hand-written notes I kept for no real reason and I'd already typed them into my computer). I'm not sure I feel any different after deleting them, but then again, maybe I do. I trusted God enough to do what He asked, to delete those stories that I spent hours writing and thinking about. I'm not good enough to be totally at peace about it yet--I still have a nagging little nervous feeling, that I did the wrong thing, that I might have needed/used those stories someday. But I did what God asked, and it was something that needed to be done, and I think I'm also relieved, because now there's no chance that someday in a moment of weakness I'll go read one of my stories, maybe even edit it a bit.

"You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." Psalm 51:16-17

Witnessing

Today someone in my Christian fellowship was talking about how important he sees witnessing as being for our group, and how one of our major goals is to witness to our community.

Witnessing is really something I've never really been comfortable with. Partly because there's such a negative stereotype about it, what with evangelical Christians and all.  Even I find their witnessing aggravating, as a Christian.  And my mother is just so against it.  I mean, not against the whole idea, but against mindlessly doing it, yes, definitely. I think she's all for the actions over words. I remember watching Joyce Meyer and her saying that you can't witness (effectively) to someone if you don't know them, know where they are in their life. Also it's God who changes their soul anyway.

Anyway, he was talking about witnessing a lot, and how it's something Jesus did and wants us to do, pretty unequivocally.  It's a part of Christianity that I've largely ignored overall, and I think listening to him talk reminded me that that doesn't work--you can't pick and choose with Christianity, it's all or nothing. I just find witnessing... problematic. OK, yes, because it's uncomfortable for me, and I'm a very private person. But also because I just feel like it can be so judgmental, and I am nowhere near perfect. Maybe because I feel that I can't do God justice with my words, which I know is true. I don't know how to phrase it.  There must be a loving way to witness! Where did God say something about not needing to worry, because He'll give us the words when the time comes?  Well, I pray that He will give me courage and words when the time comes.

Sabbath

I am looking forward to tomorrow, my Sabbath, SO unbelievably a lot!  Thank You for rest, Lord.

:)

Since Wednesday, I've been doing much better.  Wednesday night, actually, a bit after I wrote that post, God helped me to realize that yes, I may be stressed out and have a TON to do, but it's all involved with stuff that I enjoy doing, some of them even love doing.  I chose this way of life for myself, I chose to challenge myself.  And that simple shift in my perspective really did change my stressed out feelings into a modicum of peace, as well as the feeling that I'm being challenged by things that I enjoy and find interesting, so I should try to rise to the challenge.

Tonight I also went to my fellowship meeting.  I don't remember anything, really, that happened (I'm totally exhausted), but I still feel the peace that came from it.  And that's enough.  It really reminded me of a story I once heard, about a young boy who tries repeatedly to scoop water into a sieve because his grandfather asked him to.  When he becomes frustrated because it is impossible to keep the water in the sieve, the grandfather says, "Yes, but look how clean the sieve now is.  That is what we are like when we read the Bible--we may not remember what we have read, but reading it will help make us better, cleaner."

:(

I am feeling tired and stressed out right now.  I just watched a really depressing movie, I feel a bit sick, I have a big paper due next Monday that I haven't started writing yet and I literally don't know when I'm going to write, and on Friday I'm going to a research conference to give a presentation that I haven't practiced yet.  I have to be up before 5:30 for the next three days, and I'm exhausted already.  Maybe I shouldn't say "have to"; it is a choice, a very conscious one, to spend time reading the Bible and reflecting before I begin my day.  Honestly, I don't regret it, even if lately I have very much been regretting the lost sleep.  In a way, I feel like that's pretty representative of my mood today, at least since I've finished that movie.  I know that the things I do, like waking up early to read the Bible and pray, are the right thing to do. I pray that I always have the strength to keep doing them, unless I am sure that God is calling me to, not just because of my personal convenience.  But I've still found myself regretting... no, that's not the right word... lamenting, maybe?  I still find myself lamenting the time lost and thinking sly little thoughts that I could be so much more productive or whatever if I didn't do these things for God.  Please, Lord, help me to resist such thoughts; please help me to keep any bitterness from them from my heart, and please help me to trust in You whole-heartedly.  Amen.

Blessings

Today was such a blessing; things just seemed to fall into place in a way that I can only say was God.  My project went wonderfully today, I accomplished a lot, I may have found a summer job, and I just felt peaceful, even joyful, all day.

Thanks be to God!

Week's Goals

My goals for this week:
-not to worry, and instead to give my worries to God (ie to address the root of the problem, not the thing that's worrying me)
-to get enough sleep all week
-to not waste anything, whether it be time, food, or anything else
-to find at least a tiny bit of time each day to do something for myself
-to finish my gigantic tasks
-to rely on God, not myself

Worry

I've been worrying a lot lately, about all sorts of things.  I must admit I'm a worrywart, but it has been worse than normal lately.  Almost subconsciously, I've very much had this idea that if I can just deal with the things that are causing my worry, the worry will go away.  But I realized tonight that having that approach to my worries doesn't get to the root of the problem--doesn't get anywhere close, really.  It's like trying to put a Band-aid on a wound that needs disinfectant and stitches.  It may make the problem seem better in the short run, but in the long run you're only making the problem worse.

Worrying is failing to trust that God will take care of everything for me.  I may say that I trust Him, but my feelings and my actions show otherwise.  I pray that God will remake me in His image; I pray that I will have the humility to accept His teachings.

Old Friends

I have a friend that I used to be very, very close to.  We haven't lived anywhere near each other for years and years, but we used to email regularly and talk on the phone as well, sometimes even once a week for quite a while at a time.  But for a while now, we've been growing apart.  It pains me.  Why?  I think it may be because of my memories of what we used to have, not what we have now.  We have stopped emailing and calling regularly; we called each other, and I heard her voice today, for the first time in probably months.  Looking back, I think it is something that has been developing for a long time, really.  Long talks about shared interests used to open up talks about other, more personal topics; now, we have lost some of our shared interests, developed new ones, or feel less strongly about the things we used to talk about together.  We have less time to devote to our friendship.  The problem of shared interests, I feel, is the biggest; I've gotten so used to being around people who understand at least some of my interests, who feel the same way about them or are at least willing to accept my interests without judging, that I suddenly am not sure how to deal with this friend, who does not, I think, understand some of my newer interests.  Or maybe it's my perception that she doesn't understand that is the problem.  I don't know.  I wish our friendship could go back to the way it was, but at the same time I'm not sure if I want to befriend the person she's become, as the person that I've become.

Imagination

Do you ever imagine that you're actually someone else?  I do, all the time.  I'll imagine that I'm a character in a book or movie, that I'm from a hundred years ago, all sorts of things.  I was doing this today, as a matter of fact--sometimes it helps me get through the day--when I very clearly heard God say, "I created you to be who you are.  You are not the person you're pretending to be; you are who I created you to be."

Life

I know, I haven't posted in a while.  I'm not sure what to say.

It's been a very up and down few days.  Life, right?  Yesterday especially I made a lot of mistakes, and I'm paying for them today.  I'm trying to deal with the fact that I'm not perfect and that I can't do this whole life thing on my own.

Parents' Love

On Sunday I told my parents about some trouble I was having; on Monday they express-mailed something to me that they thought I might need.  I was so touched that they would spend so much money to send it to me, when I know money is tight.

And yet, God made a much, much bigger sacrifice for me--for each and every one of us.  He sacrificed His son for us.  Why don't I appreciate that sacrifice as much as I did my parents'?

Mist Netting

Today I watched birds being mist netted, a technique to capture birds in the wild.  Nets that are very difficult for birds to see are strung between two posts somewhere birds are likely to fly into it.  The nets are built so that once a bird flies into it, it falls into a loose bit of net, where there's enough slack that a bird's struggles only tangle it more in the net.

How very like sin that is!  The devil puts temptation in our paths, in the places we least expect, and the more we struggle to free ourselves without help, the more we entangle ourselves.  I also watched a person trying to untangle a bird from a mist net; the bird struggled even harder once he started trying to get it out, ultimately getting itself even more tangled than before.  But the man patiently worked to get the out of the net (a process that looked at the least uncomfortable for the bird).  And that, too, is like sin--when God tries to rescue us, we often struggle just as much or more against his hand, even though our struggles only tangle us in our sin more.  Being untangled can be a long, painful process; but God is patient with us.  He keeps trying.

I pray that God will give me the faith to not struggle against His untangling hand.

Week's Goals

Yesterday I set goals for myself this week, things I wanted to work on with God's help.  I think I failed miserably at all of them, so I just wanted to reiterate them here:
-get enough sleep every night
-reduce my waste of time, energy, and resources
-work hard for God
-spend more time with God every day
-spend some time outside at least once this week

I pray that God will help me focus more on my goals and Him tomorrow, and less on myself.