Kindness

Little acts of kindness really can make a difference.  Today I was feeling lonely and a bit separate, and one person's extremely small kindness made me feel so much better and loved.  I want to be that kind of person--the one who is kind to everyone through small gestures that are all the more poignant for being small.  Never think that small things don't make a difference, that you can't make a difference.  Just because something is small doesn't mean that it won't mean a lot to someone.  Or many small things could add up over time.  Or God may use your small act to change something huge.  Never think that you can't make a difference.

Job 10

Here Job refuses to be silent.  He pours out his soul to You--his confusion (have I done something wrong so that I deserve this suffering?  Why is this happening to me?), bitterness, anger, and despair.  But he also believes in You--he is clearly speaking to You here, and speaks of Your creation, Your love and comfort and grace.  Despite his suffering, despite his doubts, Job still believes in You and refuses to curse You.  Please give me the strength to believe in You no matter what else is going on in my life, and please give me the courage to be honest about my feelings with You, but also to overcome those feelings.

Pristimantis Rain Frog (Pristimantis aracamuni)

Today I am praying for the Pristimantis Rain Frog (Pristimantis aracamuni), an endangered frog species from South America.  Not much is known about it, like so many species.

Photo from http://eol.org/data_objects/12581752; ⓒ Justin Touchon
This is a picture of a related frog species, the Limon Rubber Frog (Pristimantis cerasinus)

I see nature as a vital part of God's creation.  The intricacy of nature just blows my mind away; no one but You could have ever created something so perfect.  If we respect other people because they are God's creation, why can't we do the same of His other creations, his non-human creations?  Destroying nature is just another thing we all have to ask forgiveness for.

Joshua 12

A list of lands and kings that the Israelites defeated.  Do You keep a list of all the sins/problems that You and I have defeated together?  I was going to add 'mostly You,' and maybe that's true, but if anything is going to change I have to made a decision to change.  You can only help me if I agree, if I'm willing.  That's what we get from free will.  And I have to keep making that decision, again and again and again.   You can help with that, of course, but ultimately You let me make the decision.  That is just so crazy!  You give us so much responsibility (freedom?), which we don't deserve and couldn't deal with without You.  But it's also a huge part of Your plan, of how You work.  You wanted to give us the choice; You didn't want people who just blindly worship You because they don't have a choice.  We have to choose to follow You, choose to worship You, choose to trust You, choose to accept Your love and help and guidance and everything else You can give.

Temptation

I was struggling with temptation, but when I repeated Hebrews 2:18 ("For because he has suffered and been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted"), the temptation suddenly became much less tempting.  Thank You.

Hebrews 2

Hold the gospel close, or else you'll forget it.  People are sinful--if our own salvation depended on us not sinning, we'd never get anywhere near.  I couldn't agree more.  In verses 6-8, is 'him' humans or Jesus?  I God?  "Crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death"--that's a very Christian idea.  Many people might say that doesn't make sense, that death is final and that we're dead, no matter why you died.  But we as Christians have heaven.  Thank You, Lord, Jesus destroyed the devil ("him who has the power of death") "through death"--using the devil's own weapons against him, without sinking to his level.  It's amazing that You thought of that solution, and amazing that You went through with it, that You actually sent Your son, Your only son, to suffer and die.  I forget about that part of Christianity sometimes. What an ugly way to die.  But You went through with it for us, for me.  For every single person on this earth.  That's so mind-blowing.  And despite all Your suffering, all the suffering You see and feel and know every day, You are still good.  Thank YOu.  Verse 18 is extremely comforting: "For because he has suffered and been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted."  Please help me to remember that when I feel overwhelmed by sin, Lord--that, and that You are powerful.

The Hills

Walking down the street, I caught a sudden glimpse of the hills in the sunlight, and their beauty reminded me of You.

Mark 1

This chapter is full of faith--John the Baptist's, Jesus', Simeon and Andrew, James and John, the people who came to Jesus to ask for healing.  I can't imagine the faith it would take to leave everything just because some guy asked you to.  I know You're more than just a guy, but how did they know that--they'd never seen you before.  What was so compelling about You that they just left their lives to follow You?  Especially James and John, who left their father behind in the boat when they left.  I don't know if I could do that.  Please give me such faith.  And Your power.  You cast out demons without allowing them to say Your name or who You are, You heal the sick, You call people to You and they come (how many did You call that didn't come?).  Are some things today caused by demons, and we just don't realize it because we're so science- and reality-focused?  You teach and heal--connected?  Your teachings help heal the soul?  And even though all those people wanted to see You, You took time to go be alone and to pray.  Please help me to do that, too.

Walking in the rain

Walking in the rain, I suddenly felt Your love so strongly that I wanted to cry.

Thoughts

No Bible this morning.  Instead I've been thinking, mostly about conversations I've had with someone recently.  Haven't agreed with him much, but was never sure why.  Going to try and hash it all out here.

"There is no Satan; everyone is partly good and partly evil, saying that anyone is purely good or purely evil is extreme."
Don't know if I believe in Satan--although the Bible's perfectly clear on it, so I probably should.  Also, interestingly, he's seen as a presence in Haiti--but I do believe in pure evil.  And it makes sense that if You're the manifestation of pure good, then there must be a manifestation of pure evil, as well.  Sense of balance.  Is true that no one is purely good or evil, but I'm also inclined to think that most people tend one way or the other.  Maybe that's just from seeing too many movies and books, though.  Do think it's bad that 'evil' has connotations of evil, only used when something's really bad, but 'good' is used in so many different ways in everyday life, and doesn't have as much of a connotation of being used when something's really good.  Please help me to use 'good' only when I really mean it.

"We have to always do good, enjoyable things."
That's not exactly what he said, but... anyway, I disagree.  Happiness doesn't depend on only having good things happen to you.  It may help, but it ultimately depends on you.  And You.

"Freedom is a good thing.  I think everyone should be free to do what they want--but not anything that would harm anyone."
Disagree.  I think our deepest nature is good, in the purest sense of the word, but evil is so much easier that if we were given complete freedom, with no guide-lines at all, our natural tendency would be to do what's easy, what's evil.  And the classification, "but not anything that would harm anyone" can't really be said, party because it restricts 'freedom' and so isn't really valid, and partly because--what's harm?  Physical harm?  Emotional harm?  How much emotional and physical harm?  When someone has complete freedom other than that, I think it would be easy to chip away and chip away at your only restrain until it wasn't there at all.  And I believe that You give me freedom, by giving me rules.  I know, that didn't make any sense.  But it sort of does.  The rules help us avoid evil and sin, both of which enslave us to our own impulses and to evil.

Genesis 31

I feel like both Jacob and Laban were a bit in the wrong here.  Laban may have cheated Jacob over Rachel and Leah, but Jacob cheated Laban with the spotted goats and sheep.  He whines about everything to Rachel and Leah for a bit.  Why are You on Jacob's side, encourage him in that dream?  Is it because of Abraham?  Or did something not get told, something that would make me understand why You supported Jacob?  Then Rachel and Leah answer, here they seem really bitter about their father.  Jacob runs away like a coward.  I must admit, that's probably how I would handle such a situation. If Laban's not supposed to say a word to Jacob, then why do they start talking?  Both of them seem really bitter about how their relationship turned out.  That's what you get when you're always betraying and fighting for power.  Definitely doesn't make you friends.  Really superstitious about the household gods, stole them. Didn't trust You.  But how much did Jacob tell Rachel and Leah about You?  Not sure they mention You that much.  Laban and Jacob's covenant seem like an a really uneasy 'good-riddance!' covenant.

Genesis 30

Wow, what a lot of pettiness.  Especially, "Give me children or I shall die!", what a drama queen.  But also shows how much a woman's identity/self-worth was wrapped up in bearing children, this whole part of the chapter does.  Again with the maidservants!  I really wonder how they felt about all this--I think it would be horrible to have your children taken away to be raised by someone else, but still have to see them every day.  Then the incident with the mandrakes.  That, I think, shows the relationship between Rachel and Leah very clearly.  Love how Leah says "You must come in to me; for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes."  Why would you tell him that?  I feel like she was trying to rub in her victory, but I also think it was mostly just awkward.  Have I mentioned before that Jacob can't have disliked Leah that much since they had 6 sons and must have been having a lot of sex?  Then the story with Jacob and the speckled sheep and goats.  I always used to really like the story, but now I think it was just horrible from Jacob, just more deception on his part.  Especially when he chooses to try and make only the good sheep have speckled babies.

Genesis 29

Jacob goes to Laban, Rebekah's brother.  They agree that Jacob will work seven years in return for Rachel as his bride.  That seems like a really long time.  Rachel doesn't seem to have any say.  But for Jacob, the seven years "seemed to him like a few days because of the love he had for her."  Aww.  Then Laban gives him Leah instead of Rachel.  WHAT??  Why did Laban do that?  Poor Leah, given to a husband who didn't even want her.  Just the deceiver of Esau and Isaac has now been deceived.  Your justice, Lord?  Then he works for another seven years for Rachel--wow, he must have really loved her.  Oh, and Jacob really didn't notice it was Leah until the next morning??  Someone pointed out to me once that he was probably drunk, and that makes sense.  Jacob really favored Rachel; again, poor Leah.  And You didn't like the favoritism, so You blessed Leah (isn't that another form of favoritism?)  And after first son Leah says, "Surely now my husband will love me."  That's so sad, how she sees herself as worth only her children, tries to earn Jacob's love.  Thank You that we don't have to earn Your love.  Please be with everyone everywhere who are trying to get their worth from the wrong thing.

Details

Today I saw some plants growing on the wall, they struck me as really beautiful.  It's the little things--just looking at all the details, the intricacy of everything.

Didn't do a Bible thing this morning, I felt You calling me not to.  So I just talked to You instead.  It was nice.

Genesis 28

Jacob sent away, to find a wife of his own people.  Then Esau tried to please his parents, when he saw what Jacob did and that they liked it, by marrying one of his people, one of Ishmael´s daughters.  That's really sad.  Trying anything you can to please your parents--he must really not feel loved by them.  Also, why did Isaac bless Jacob again when Jacob left?  That seems stupid to me, if he really did regret blessing Jacob instead of Esau.  Jacob sees angels going into heaven.  First thought here was: why did you show such a jerky person such a cool thing?  But am I any better?  We all have our flaws.  I would never steal anything from my brother, but I still sin against You and against others in other ways.  Like Abraham, when God speaks to him somewhere, Jacob's reaction is to worship and create an altar.  That's a good reaction; please help me to have so good of a reaction.  And I think Jacob is the first to mention tithing.

Train Station

At the train station today, I started praying for everyone who walked by.  Watching everyone.  I got a bit of a feel for how amazing You are--You know everything about every one of those people, can pay attention to all of them at the same time.  And not just the 100+ that I saw today, but all the 6 billion that live on this planet.  You are amazing.

Genesis 27

That was ridiculous--that was exactly like a soap opera!  How Jacob pulled off that deception seems a little feeble to me, but Isaac did ignore the fact that it was Jacob's voice ( and Esau must have been really hairy when wearing a goat skin felt like him).  Rebekah unabashedly loves Jacob more.  Why?  Here you can see that favoritism pulls families apart.  And the family seems to be a warzone, not a group of people who love\support each other.  How horrible.  The idea of blessing--the power of words.  Once said can't be retracted (my Bible says, "like an arrow shot towards its goal"), and the words said influence your life forever.  Words powerful for them, like names.  I wish we thought like that sometimes, that things you say for forever, can't be undone, so shouldn't lie or anything.  We as a culture, I mean.  Poor Esau.  He keeps trying to do things the right way and keeps being deceived and outsmarted by Jacob.  It's very sad.

Genesis 26

Isaac went to see Abimelech too.  You're always talking here about how You were Abraham's god too, and how great Abraham was; I wonder if that frustrated Isaac, how well he got along with his father.  You also remind Isaac that You will keep Your promises.  Then Isaac tells everyone that Rebekah is his sister; it must run in the family.  But no one tries to take Rebekah, instead someone sees Isaac "fondling" Rebekah.  How inappropriately would that have been seen?  I feel like married people didn't show affection in public (especially when they're pretending to be related?  That was stupid, Isaac).  Lesson: don't lie about things, don't let your emotions get away from you.  Trust in You rather than lies to protect you (although You still protected Isaac--don't need to be perfect).  Everyone dislikes Isaac because he's so rich and powerful.  Lonely for Isaac?  Lots about wells--water was power.  Isaac makes an oath with Phillistines.  You appear to Isaac again.  How did You appear?  Why don't You do that now?  Or was it the same as now?  Or were they more willing to believe in manifestations or voices or whatever back then?  The little section about how Esau's wives "made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah" made me laugh.

Genesis 25

Mostly genealogy.  Abraham marries someone else supposedly, and they have tons of kids (didn't get Abraham's blessing of multitude, though?).  Why did he marry again?  Sarah wasn't good enough for him?  He also wasn't very nice to his other sons, just gave them a few gifts and sent them away from Isaac.  Gee thanks, dad.  Then Abraham dies.  Isaac and Ishmael actually deal with the burial together.  Ishmael had lots of kids.  Isaac had Esau and Jacob.  Favoritism.  Then Esau sells his birthright for some lentils... that was smart.  That's why not to let emotions dominate.  There wasn't any other food in the house? 

Life

Saw a butterfly on a flower today.  Life goes on despite death and suffering, to them our suffering isn't important.

Genesis 24

Abraham wants Isaac to have a wife from the Canaanites, sends his servant (who's never named) to find him a wife.  The servant prays to the "God of my master Abraham," not his god.  :(  But You still listen to him--You help him find Rebekah, she helps the servant with his camels.  There, she's very kind.  The servant's invited in--more of their hospitality.  The servants repeats the whole story, practically word-for-word--remember reading once that it's because the stories originally spoken, the audience needed to be reminded of what's happened, enforce with repetition.  They actually gave Rebekah a choice--I'm surprised.  What would have happened if she'd said no, though?  And then Isaac and Rebekah marry.

Genesis 23

Sarah died.  Abraham doesn't seem very upset--oh, just kidding, he totally mourns for her.  Abraham buys a cave for her burial.  He refuses to accept the cave for free, insists on paying full price for it (so he's not seen as asking for/accepting charity?).  Why was this story considered important enough to be written down and told?  Is Machpelah/Hebron in what would become Israel?

Genesis 22

Abraham offered Isaac, his only son, to You--or was willing to. The faith of this always blows me away.  You do rub it in a bit--not just go sacrifice your son, but go sacrifice your only son, Isaac, whom you love,  I guess another way of testing Abraham.  Lessons: do what You say even when it seems wrong, the blessings of following You and doing Your will are many.  Always wonder what effect this had on Abraham and Isaac's relationship.  Feel like it wasn't great for it.  Introduces the idea of You asking for things just to see if we'll do it, rather than because You actually want us to do it.  Been a lot of that lately between us, I think.

Peace

Last night I was praying about traveling, because I'm traveling today.  Telling myself that You control everything and You would take care of me, and the knowledge that You were in control gave me a deep peace, even while on a much shallower level I was still worried.  It was weird, but profound.

Genesis 21

You performed a miracle, gave Sarah a child.  Then she gives another reason why Isaac means ‘he laughs’.  Don’t know why she mentions Abraham’s old age and not hers; hers is more important, after all.  Then Sarah is jealous of Hagar and Ishmael again.  She wants to banish them, and You tell Abraham to do whatever Sarah wants (really?  Why?  Why did You allow Abraham to give in to Sarah’s jealousy and pettiness?).  You save Hagar and Ishmael, show them where water is.  But it also doesn’t way what they lived on, and I bet it was a hard, hard life, especially for Hagar.  Poor Hagar.  It’s not her fault that her mistress was a witch with a capital B.  Abraham and Abimelech.  They make an oath and then they make a covenant with seven ewes.  Abimelech was a Philistine?  And Abraham built an altar to You.