Check up

Firstly, I thought I'd review my summer goals and how I'm doing with them. This is something that I want to make a commitment to doing every Sunday.

1) volunteer somewhere I've made absolutely no progress towards this goal--I haven't looking into volunteering anywhere, or even really thought about it.
2) 2 million grains on freerice I have been working towards this goal, answering a decent number of questions almost every day. However, I have been doing it rather grudgingly. I pray for the generosity to give of my time willingly and use the time to pray or reflect, rather than wish the time would go by faster as I have been doing.
3) finish my summer reading list I am satisfied with my progress on this goal. I finished two books (although I also added two more to my list, so maybe they don't count!) and am currently reading Emma by Jane Austen.
4) book review of each book I read So far I've kept to this goal.
5) reflect more on Bible readings Unfortunately hasn't been true of every time I've read the Bible this week, but I am reflecting more and longer on what I read.
6) after-graduation options All I've done for this goal was register for the GRE.
7) sleep a lot! Overall, this has been the case.
8) exercise I went for two walks and one hike this week.
9) thesis Nope. I've done absolutely nothing to prepare for this.
10) declutter I've also done nothing for this goal.
11) scholarship I have not worked towards this goal, either.

I am actually satisfied with how much I accomplished this last week. It was very much a week of recuperation rather than a week in which I wanted to get anything done. It was a wonderful week, although of course it had its ups and downs.

I went to a prayer labyrinth again today. It felt good, to spend so much time just being with God, thinking and praying and working through issues, or at least acknowledging them to myself and to God.

Secondly, I wanted to reflect on the last school year. This was an activity that I performed with my Christian fellowship a few weeks ago. I wanted to wait to do it purely for myself until after the semester was over and a bit of time had passed, to hopefully allow myself to gain a bit of perspective. The questions are: What have been some of the highs/lows of the year? What has God taught you this year? How has He shown you love this year?

My fall semester was very difficult, emotionally and spiritually. It was just after I'd just come back to Christ, so I was re-learning many of the disciplines involved with being a Christian. I fasted for the first time, which was overall a wonderful, focusing experience. It was difficult emotionally because I felt very lonely--I was far from my family, living with strangers, no friends and no people around me that I particularly wanted to be close with, for much of the time no Christians to interact with. This was challenging for me, but it also deepened my relationship with God. He was literally the only one I could turn to when I was lonely or hurt or needed help. One of the most wonderful parts of the last school year was spending time with Him, learning how freeing and peaceful it is to trust Him with everything, wandering around just with Him and viewing Him not just as my God but also as a friend. Of course, I also struggled with our relationship, things He asked me to do, and so on, and sometimes I just felt so depressed. I remember one day in particular, when I had to walk home in the rain and then I got lost (did I mention it was dark out?). My emotions were boomeranging--one minute I was at peace after walking past a beautiful church, the next minute I felt sad and depressed in a way I can't really describe, the next I was worrying about how I ever knew when God was really speaking to me. Overall, however, it was a very good school year. I feel that I have grown in faith in ways I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I wasn't even a Christian!

What has God taught me? There's been so much! The first lesson I thought of was about me and my reading--how I can read for God, use my reading to learn more about Him, or about His world, or just as a springboard to think about a topic that He wants me to think about. I've become more discerning in choosing what I read, more conscious of the fact that I'm learning from what I read whether I want it or not, as well as feeling less embarrassed about the fact that there are some kinds of books that I just don't want to read.

A lot about Him and how to stay close to Him. He has taught me to talk to Him in ways that I never would have thought of before. Sometimes I really do talk to Him as if He's standing right in front of me. I ask Him what I should do about a lot of things, even things that may seem silly or unimportant like what I should wear in the morning. I still don't pray enough, I think, about things that aren't myself; hopefully that will be something that He'll work with me on in the future.

Most importantly of all, I think, I've been taught over and over again that humans are sinful creatures. We are not perfect and never can be. If I'm left to myself, my instinct or whatever is to do evil. This is something that I've been made aware of in several ways--in trying to undo the bad habits that I unwittingly picked up when I wasn't Christian, when I wasted time or thought of stories even when I knew it was wrong, just watching people and the world around me. I am naturally sinful, and the only real thing we can do about that is turn to God and ask for His help. In the past I've had trouble turning my knowledge that God wants to help me into actual action against sin. But God also taught me that we humans have free will; He allows us to make choices. We need to make the choices: whether to follow Him or not, whether to resist sin or not, whether to read the Bible or not. God will respect our free will and love us no matter what choice we make, but He will also not change the consequences of our actions. If a choice leads us deeper into sin, or leads us closer to Him, He will not change that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't expect God to just make the choice to resist sin for us. We have to make that decision. Where God comes in is in telling us which decision to make, and in giving us the strength to make that decision, no matter how difficult it may be.

I am sinful. That is something that I think isn't said enough, often. I am sinful. I am not perfect. But Jesus died for me to wash away my sins and imperfections. He wanted something more than sin for me--He wanted perfection. God has shown/told me that He wants me to strive for perfection in everything I do, no matter how impossible it may be or seem. God wants perfection from us.