Struggle

I feel like I've really been struggling spiritually lately.

You may remember that last week I promised to pray about everything for a week. The results were, more than anything else, frustrating. If I stopped praying for not very long, things really bothered me, or I just suddenly felt really down. The devil trying to tempt me? Proof that prayer does help keep me joyful? I don't know, but I do know that these lows made and make me feel so far from God. It feels impossible to get back to Him. I feel like my prayers aren't making a difference, which even I know is silly. There was the time that I prayed for a car pulling a trailer that looked really dangerous and unstable, and when I turned the corner, the driver had pulled over and was adjusting things in the trailer; there have been the multiple times when I've prayed for strength to get through something when I felt that I just couldn't, and I did in fact make it through, and even do very well indeed sometimes.

My life has suddenly become so results-oriented. When I read a book, I get more excited to be able to finish it and cross it off my list than I am about actually reading it. When I read the Bible in the morning, I'm glad when I've finished my reading even if I haven't gotten anything out of it. When I finish a book of the Bible, I feel accomplished just to be done. Please show me, Lord, that the journey is often more important than reaching the end, or maybe that the real goal is to learn something, not just to finish.