Free from sin

Yesterday was a really rough day for me; I just couldn't seem to stop making the wrong decisions and sinning, over and over and over again.

This morning I read this verse: "You [God] will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea" (Micah 7:19b).

Wow. We are sinful, but God takes our sins away.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

Late Night Thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much thinking, too much self-condemnation. One thing God has been showing me lately is the fact that I am sinful, that I can never earn God's love or His salvation. I can never pay back what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am not completely good. It's been brought home to me in various ways over the past week or so, the latest being my complete inability to control my own thoughts, at least when it comes to my stories.

My stories are something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was struggling with them about a month ago and I heard God say, "I know you're struggling with this, and the desire in you to create has become corrupted. But I want to use this gift you have for good, for my plan, and right now I'm just cleansing that part of your soul so I can do that." I gave all my stories to Him, one by one. A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep and God told me, "Write. Write." I wrote the beginning of a story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but different than I've ever written before: with the knowledge that the story is coming from God and I am merely the instrument used to have the story written down, listening prayerfully for every word and sentence I should write, not planning out the story ahead of time. That was the plan, anyway. It's been so, so difficult. The temptation to just think about the story, to savor what might happen and the experiences the characters will have without writing it out, to just keep it all trapped in my mind, is so, so strong, and I've given in to it so much since I started. I've failed God so often. I am sinful. I've been prideful and obsessive about what I've written, what I could go on to write. I don't know how to do this in a godly way. I'm up so late because I was writing, even though God wasn't telling me to. It's so easy to confuse God's call and obsession. I pray as I write this that God will show me what His will is for this story that I write, for the others still in my mind, and that He will give me the strength to do what He wills with this story. I pray for wisdom, for knowledge of what I should do and what God's will is. Most of all, I pray for God to be with me and comfort me and strengthen me as I struggle with this. May He guide me through this.

Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Struggle

This whole month, really, has been a month of struggle for me in my faith. It's not that I'm doubting so much as just having moments where I can't feel God, or feel like He's trying to tell me something but I have NO idea what it is, or just feel very inadequate. I've been struggling a lot lately with pride, with God's love, with stories, with priorities. It's been rough.

Isaiah

For the past few weeks I've been reading Isaiah. It's been really really strange, actually. In many ways the God of Isaiah is not the God I know--He is so angry and destructive! That's a part of God that I often forget about--maybe want to forget about. Who wants to remember that God can get angry, that God will destroy sin someday? Because we all sin. What parts of ourselves will be destroyed in that destruction? (but were they really worth saving?) I don't want God to be angry with me.

Looked at another way, this anger is almost comforting. God will destroy the sin in my life. He still loves me. Even during all the destruction and anger in this book, God's love for His people still comes through. Destruction is His final, final, final option. And God has a right to be angry, after all--sin goes so against His nature and His will for us.

Last Week

Well, last week was quite a roller coaster. Or maybe not a roller coaster... maybe more of a flat line, and at that a flat line that was at a much lower level than I wanted it to be at.

Sorry, did that make sense? Let me explain. I went into the week fully intending to be very productive: finish a few books before I headed back to school, finish up some of the reading for my thesis next semester, do lots of errands like getting my hair cut and activating my credit card. Let me tell you, the week definitely didn't turn out like that. I mostly just watched Stargate SG-1 (I'm a sucker for sci-fi, of all sorts and sizes) and played games on my computer. Honestly, it was kind of awful. Watching that much TV isn't even fun, it's brain-deadening and addictive and completely pointless. Same for computer games. Ick!

It was a relief to be able to break the cycle on Saturday and do some work: thesis readings, cleaning around the house, baking, and scholarships. So I've come away from that whole experience with a renewed desire to follow God whole-heartedly and try to learn more about Him. Going through the motions isn't enough.

Dancing

Yesterday I heard someone say to a group of kids, "I saw how much you enjoyed dancing to the Gummy Bear song. But you didn't enjoy Every Move I Make nearly as much. You know, Jesus wants you to have just as much fun with Him as you did when you were dancing to the Gummy Bear Song. It's a lot of fun being with Him." I thought, "Of course I know that. And I did enjoy Every Move I Make more than I did the Gummy Bear Song."

Then, this morning while reading my Bible, I realized that I don't enjoy reading my Bible nearly as much as I enjoy reading other things. Why not? The stories in there are just as good, the words are just as if not more thought-provoking, and the message is even more important than anything else I'll ever read.

This realization was part of a larger realization that lately I've been seeing myself as perfect, or at least with not much room for improvement. It's something that I tend to do, really--I think part of the problem with the Christianity of my younger self was that I held this idea of myself as perfect for far too long, and it made my faith stale. Because really, if we were already perfect, why would we need God? In the past year or so I've realized how important the knowledge of my own sin is to my faith--it increases my dependence on God so much, and my knowledge of His wisdom and power. So I just really pray that God will help me to know again my own sinful nature so that I may rely on Him more fully.