Writing and Christian Creativity

I just finished my review for Scribbling in the Sand, and it brought up so many thoughts that didn't really fit into a book review.

I intended this summer to be a summer of writing, both for myself and for actual money. It was quite a failure--like I mentioned before, I don't do very well with the non-structured summer life, and I let my obsessions get quite out of control. I feel like I learned a lot, but I wish that I had already known it as well as I thought I did.

At the end of the summer, I still want to commit to writing more. In part that was why I started these blogs. Writing still terrifies me sometimes (remember this post? Yeah, I still feel like that all the time). It's such a leap of faith sometimes, if not all the time. At other times it's just plain difficult. I have so many ideas running around in my head, and it's hard to pick between them. There are so many other, easier, less productive things that I also want to be doing.

And how do I allow God to work through what I'm writing? Scribbling in the Sand brought up the idea of your art being your worship, or a form of worship. How is what I write worship? Yes, sometimes when I write--on good days--I feel such joy as I write, feel that God is sitting right by me, guiding my typing hands. Other days I feel nothing but struggle, and I wonder if I should write at all on those days. On good days I can see how my story worships God, on other days I can't. Is it enough of a worship to write in obedience? Should the story also be a form of worship? It's hard to feel as if a description of people playing cards is a form of worship. It's hard to feel as if a fight scene is a form of worship. It's hard to remember that maybe the overall plot is beautiful, even if the moments aren't always. Is that alright?

And where is my writing going? What about seminary?

I pray that God will guide me as I try to navigate this while also going to seminary. I know that He'll be right there beside me no matter what I'm struggling with. I feel Him right here even as I ask these questions.

New Stage/Moving

I have decided to return to this blog. I'm not sure why, or why I left it for awhile--both just felt right.

So I'm back now, right before I head off to my first year at seminary. It probably wasn't the best time to start this up again--I'm sure I'll be very, very busy once school starts. But maybe I'll need a spot to work things through in writing and in "public."

I'm feeling very melancholy today. I'm so ready for seminary to start on so many levels--I'm sick of summer (I don't do well with all the free time and tend to waste it, which I so did this summer), I love school and can't wait for it to start again, I want to go and explore my new home. And I'm so not ready on so many other levels--how difficult will the classes be? will I be able to meet people and form friendships? how will I get around without a car? how much God-and-I time will I have? how wrong are my expectations? how will I make ends meet?

I think I'm going to start packing today. Tomorrow my church is going to pray for me in the service. I've been stocking up on food and supplies to take with me. The time is finally coming. What will it bring?

Late Night Thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much thinking, too much self-condemnation. One thing God has been showing me lately is the fact that I am sinful, that I can never earn God's love or His salvation. I can never pay back what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am not completely good. It's been brought home to me in various ways over the past week or so, the latest being my complete inability to control my own thoughts, at least when it comes to my stories.

My stories are something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was struggling with them about a month ago and I heard God say, "I know you're struggling with this, and the desire in you to create has become corrupted. But I want to use this gift you have for good, for my plan, and right now I'm just cleansing that part of your soul so I can do that." I gave all my stories to Him, one by one. A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep and God told me, "Write. Write." I wrote the beginning of a story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but different than I've ever written before: with the knowledge that the story is coming from God and I am merely the instrument used to have the story written down, listening prayerfully for every word and sentence I should write, not planning out the story ahead of time. That was the plan, anyway. It's been so, so difficult. The temptation to just think about the story, to savor what might happen and the experiences the characters will have without writing it out, to just keep it all trapped in my mind, is so, so strong, and I've given in to it so much since I started. I've failed God so often. I am sinful. I've been prideful and obsessive about what I've written, what I could go on to write. I don't know how to do this in a godly way. I'm up so late because I was writing, even though God wasn't telling me to. It's so easy to confuse God's call and obsession. I pray as I write this that God will show me what His will is for this story that I write, for the others still in my mind, and that He will give me the strength to do what He wills with this story. I pray for wisdom, for knowledge of what I should do and what God's will is. Most of all, I pray for God to be with me and comfort me and strengthen me as I struggle with this. May He guide me through this.

Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Struggle

This whole month, really, has been a month of struggle for me in my faith. It's not that I'm doubting so much as just having moments where I can't feel God, or feel like He's trying to tell me something but I have NO idea what it is, or just feel very inadequate. I've been struggling a lot lately with pride, with God's love, with stories, with priorities. It's been rough.

Comfort in Isaiah

I've been struggling lately with my faith. Well, it's not that I've been doubting, it's more that I don't feel God as close as I was feeling Him, and I've had some very uncomfortable questions. I'm tired, and more than just physically. I had creepy dreams last night, but it was still hard to get up--there's something so alluring about evil when you're not thinking straight.

Then I started my reading in Isaiah. It was so, so unbelievably comforting:
-"I'm the one who promises it; I'm here." Isaiah 52:6 (CEB)
-"But my righteousness will last forever." Isaiah 51:8 (NIV)
-"He was pierced because of our rebellions and crushed because of our crimes. He bore the punishment that made us whole; by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

Hallelujah, that we serve a living God!!

Update

This past week was really, really hard. I couldn't seem to focus on anything, and I felt stressed about everything that needed to be done, no matter what I did. I felt like I was missing something important, and had a sense of dread. I'm still not sure what that may have been, what God may have been trying to tell me.

Worrying

This semester, I've been super busy, but I've been taking a weekly Sabbath every Saturday. This week, though, God said to me: "Alina, I want you to take Sunday off, too."

I was not happy. But I had a very restful day, and taking two days in a row off forced me to think about a few things. For one thing, I had been depending on today to get, hopefully, a lot done. Obviously, that didn't happen. But you know what? It's really OK. God is in control here, not me. My worrying tends to increase as I have more to do. God's in control, though, and my worrying accomplishes nothing no matter how much or little I have to do!

The other thing I've been worried about lately is, oddly, going to sleep. I thought for a few days that it was because of everything that I needed to do the next day, but I realized today that it's actually because of the dreams I've been having lately. No, they're not nightmares, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's more that if I've already had enough sleep, or if I know it's almost time to wake up, or if it's a really exciting dream, I've started controlling and manipulating my dreams. It's become my new Storyland, and one that I'm much less capable of controlling. It's awful; like my mind has betrayed me, at least while I'm sleeping. And it is hard to resist the call to lose myself in fantasies when I wake up after one of those Storyland dreams. Lord, please give me strength.

Excellence

The start of this semester has been a struggle for me, in a lot of ways. Many of those struggles are related to academics and my classes--partly the work and getting everything done, but mostly my motivation and effort.

The Bible says "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the father through him" (Colossians 3:17). Last semester I really, really strove to give my absolute best to all of my classes, and to turn in my absolute best for every assignment. But I've been completely unable to do that so far this semester.

There are a few reasons. Last semester I loved all of my classes, or at least liked them, and they challenged me. This semester I don't love any of them, and two of them have been outright boring and unchallenging so far. The other two are individual, and therefore so unstructured, that I've been having difficulty giving myself goals, let alone meeting those goals. Last semester I also knew that many of my classes could later be relevant to my future career--but now God has completely changed my mind about that, I'm going to seminary, and none of my classes are immediately relevant anymore.

I still want to give my all to all of my classes, even if I haven't so far. But I've decided that I'm going to. I'm going to do everything "in the name of the Lord Jesus," and that means doing it joyfully, doing it morally, and doing it as well as I am able.

Back to School

I've been having a really hard time adjusting to being back at school. I'm not entirely sure why--it just feels really weird this time around. I think part of it is that I created this idea of how it would be like to come back, without even realizing it; of course it's not actually like that, so now I feel disappointed. I've been having trouble carving out time for God. Being with my friends again feels weird, and is perhaps not a good influence, since none of them are Christian. I'm worried that the goals I've set for myself this semester are too high. I'm afraid to mention to anyone that I'm planning on going to seminary after school--it's not a very Christian campus. But I don't want to be afraid of who I am--a Christian, who is currently being called to go to seminary--nor do I want to change who I am just to fit in. I feel like I'm denying myself by not telling anyone, even while I can't seem to work up the courage to mention it to anyone.

Please help me to trust You, God, more than anything or anyone else. Please help me to give my worries to You, and trust in Your plan for me.

Summer Goals--Wrap-up

Since I'm heading back to school tomorrow, I feel that the summer is officially over, or practically. So I'm going to run through the goals I had going into the summer and how well I met those goals.

1) Volunteer I volunteered a few times at my church, helping them prepare for Vacation Bible School, and helped teach Sunday School a few Sundays. I had imagined myself volunteering more, but considering that I had a job for the summer, I'm pretty satisfied with how much volunteering I did.
2) Freerice I still can't quite believe it, but I actually reached my goal of getting 2 million grains! Today I hit the 2 million mark, and my final total was 2,011,260 grains. Wow!!
3) Summer reading Considering the fact that I had a job, I was really pleased with how much of my list I finished. The only books I didn't touch were a book about bees and Silent Spring by Rachel Carson (which is really too bad, I was really looking forward to reading it). I'm also still working on Parzival by Sir Wolfram Eschenbach; I only have a few chapters left.
4) Book reviews I reviewed every book I finished this summer. I even feel like my reviews have improved a bit.
5) Reflect more Hm. Sometimes I did great on this, and sometimes I did really horribly. I think that I actually reflected more last school year--perhaps because I'm so in the habit of analyzing things, perhaps because my fellowship group at school is more supportive. I did try to reflect, but it was very up and down.
6) After graduation I made a lot of progress in this direction, although not at all in the way I imagined. I scheduled my GRE and then cancelled it; that was what I felt God calling me to do. Then I felt Him calling me to go to seminary. So I researched seminaries, and spoke with three different pastors over the summer about seminary and the ministry (although I'm not sure if I'm being called to ministry--just seminary, at least at the moment).
7) Sleep! Considering the fact that I had a job and no time, I did pretty well. There were very few days when I didn't get at least eight hours of sleep, at least (I tend to need nine).
8) Exercise OK, I didn't do very well on this goal. I rarely exercised more than once a week, if that.
9) Work on thesis I read almost every book that I wanted to read this summer, which really pleased me. I didn't get a chance to read any of the articles I wanted to read, but I'm still pretty happy with what I accomplished.
10) Declutter Some decluttering happened, although not as much as I would have liked.
11) Scholarships Amazingly, I submitted 42 scholarship applications this summer. Wow!
12) Pray for others I made amazing progress on this, actually. I thought and reflected a lot about prayer this summer. I got a lot more in the habit of praying for people and situations that I see, and created a list of things to pray for throughout the year (it includes endangered species and careers). The one thing that I wish I could have worked on a bit more was the list itself--it's not done yet, and I still haven't quite gotten into the habit yet of using it every day.

Peace

The past few days I've been very worried about going back to school. Not even about the schoolwork part of it--although it looks to be a difficult semester in terms of that, too--but about the people at school. It's not the most Christian school, in terms of a lot of the people, in fact they can be downright hostile about it. This isn't really something that's bothered me in the past, but I'm leading a Christian group this semester and pretty certain that I'm going to go to seminary after college. I think my Christianity is going to get a bit more noticed.

Anyway. So I've been worrying. Last night I couldn't sleep because of it, so I got out my iPod, put on some downhere music (my favorite Christian band), played Solitaire, and talked to God about my worries. It was such a relief. I hadn't even realized how long it's been since I've talked to God, I mean really talked to Him, without putting any barriers in the way or having to go do something else in ten minutes. It was such a relief, and so freeing.

This morning I was still worrying. I was having a hard time concentrating because of how much I was worrying. I finally said to myself, "This is completely ridiculous. You're worrying about something that is a completely hypothetical situation in the future. God is in control of the future!!" I promised myself and God that I wouldn't think about going off to college for the rest of the day. And I didn't. It was a total miracle, actually, because I'm not very good at controlling my thoughts. I did some work for my Christian group, had lunch with a friend, read a book and listened to the rain, read the Bible and talked to God about it, and it was actually a completely amazing day. God can do amazing things, even with a day that starts out full of worry!

Last Week

Well, last week was quite a roller coaster. Or maybe not a roller coaster... maybe more of a flat line, and at that a flat line that was at a much lower level than I wanted it to be at.

Sorry, did that make sense? Let me explain. I went into the week fully intending to be very productive: finish a few books before I headed back to school, finish up some of the reading for my thesis next semester, do lots of errands like getting my hair cut and activating my credit card. Let me tell you, the week definitely didn't turn out like that. I mostly just watched Stargate SG-1 (I'm a sucker for sci-fi, of all sorts and sizes) and played games on my computer. Honestly, it was kind of awful. Watching that much TV isn't even fun, it's brain-deadening and addictive and completely pointless. Same for computer games. Ick!

It was a relief to be able to break the cycle on Saturday and do some work: thesis readings, cleaning around the house, baking, and scholarships. So I've come away from that whole experience with a renewed desire to follow God whole-heartedly and try to learn more about Him. Going through the motions isn't enough.

Cleaning

At work today we were weeding and cleaning. Since it's rather mindless work a lot of the time, it gave me a lot of time to think, and I actually started thinking about the processes of those two very similar tasks. In The Shack, there is a scene where the main character works in a garden (both weeding and pruning) that turns out to be his soul, and that metaphor came back to me as I was weeding today. I was thinking about: how do you know what's a weed? You have to have experience, and often help at first, to know what's a weed and what's good. Weeding is also hard work, just like working with God for a better, more Christ-like soul is. You have to make choices--am I going to pull every single one of these tiny little weeds? Are they really that important? Wouldn't it be easier to come back later and do them? Finally, weeding can be discouraging. Weeds will just keep popping back up, no matter what you do. Weeding can feel pointless, if you're not careful. But think what a mess a garden would be if you never weeded! You would never get fruit or veggies or whatever out of that garden!! And the fight for our souls is the same way--it may feel hopeless sometimes, like we'll never succeed in getting a perfect spotless soul--and we won't, even with God's help, at least not on this earth--but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try!

Later we were cleaning. When you're cleaning (especially something that isn't yours--sorry, sad but true) it's so easy to get into a mechanical state, where you just do the task without thinking about it. That often means that you don't scrub at that mark on the floor, you just mop without paying the least bit of attention to what you're doing. How often do my times with God just become mechanical--read this chapter of the Bible, now read this book, now pray for these things, now do this, now to that--without making any sort of impression on me?

Struggle

I feel like I've really been struggling spiritually lately.

You may remember that last week I promised to pray about everything for a week. The results were, more than anything else, frustrating. If I stopped praying for not very long, things really bothered me, or I just suddenly felt really down. The devil trying to tempt me? Proof that prayer does help keep me joyful? I don't know, but I do know that these lows made and make me feel so far from God. It feels impossible to get back to Him. I feel like my prayers aren't making a difference, which even I know is silly. There was the time that I prayed for a car pulling a trailer that looked really dangerous and unstable, and when I turned the corner, the driver had pulled over and was adjusting things in the trailer; there have been the multiple times when I've prayed for strength to get through something when I felt that I just couldn't, and I did in fact make it through, and even do very well indeed sometimes.

My life has suddenly become so results-oriented. When I read a book, I get more excited to be able to finish it and cross it off my list than I am about actually reading it. When I read the Bible in the morning, I'm glad when I've finished my reading even if I haven't gotten anything out of it. When I finish a book of the Bible, I feel accomplished just to be done. Please show me, Lord, that the journey is often more important than reaching the end, or maybe that the real goal is to learn something, not just to finish.

Galatians 6

Just a few verses really stuck with me when I was reading:

"But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each man will have to bear his own load." (v. 4-5)
Everyone should think about their own spiritual journey, constantly, and ensure that they are still on the right path. Also, pray about it. But don't compare yourself or your spiritual journey or anything to others; you are completely different, you have a different path and journey and burden and everything. And ultimately, you will have to make your own choices.

"And let us not grow weary in well-doing" (v. 9). I have been very weary lately--I thought purely physically, but it has really been interfering with my spiritual life as well. Please help me to overcome this, Lord.

Prayer in my life

Yesterday morning, as I was about to start freericing, I suddenly felt God telling me to google "What is prayer." That is a question that I've really been thinking about lately--what is prayer, what is its purpose, how does it make a difference in the world, and why is it important? The first few results were simple dictionary definitions of prayer, which wasn't what I wanted at all. So instead I googled "prayer quotes", which led to the post yesterday of quotes about prayer. Those quotes were the ones that I felt called to share.

However, what I really got out of a lot of those quotes was the idea that--wow, a lot of people think prayer is really important, really does make a difference, and is truly something that Christians should be doing all the time. Maybe, instead of trying to decide what prayer is and how it works, I should just try it for myself. Also the idea that I don't pray enough surfaced--all the quotes viewed prayer as very important, possibly the most important thing a Christian ever does, and if that's true or even close to true, then I don't pray nearly enough.

So I decided to pray about everything in my life this week, throughout the day.  So that was what I aimed for yesterday and today.

The results were a little disappointing, I must say. But I think that's also because I just expect everything to immediately have results, and really good or preferably amazing ones at that. I'm not sure that I noticed a difference, other than when I stopped praying for short amounts of time things really got on my nerves. This was true both today and yesterday. The devil trying to tempt me away from something he views as good? I'm not sure. I think I remember reading somewhere (C. S. Lewis?) that the devil really comes against someone when they're doing something good, something that will bring them closer to God.

Yesterday I tried really hard to pray about everything. It didn't completely work, of course. Today I did as well. I'm not sure I tried as hard, but I did pray some. And since I normally completely forget to pray at work, I was relatively pleased with the prayers today. And in a way my mid-day slump of feeling depressed about everything was a blessing in disguise, because it reminded me with a jolt to pray, and that I can't do things without God.

2 Corinthians 6

The first part of this chapter (verses 4-10) speaks about how we should serve God in everything and through everything--fear, work, trials, poorness, anything. This is something I've been struggling with lately in my life, what with work being hectic and all-consuming in a lot of ways. I've prayed less and less and been less reflective in the past week, and just overall spiritually slacking off. As I read this passage, it just really struck me as a beautiful call to follow God in all parts of life and through every experience. The same thing struck me in verse 16, where Paul talks about how we are all temples of/to God--and should behave as such.