Psalm 25, 27

In both psalms, David writes about his faith in God, and that faith just blows me away. He calls on Him for forgiveness, for guidance, for wisdom, for protection, and he thinks God can do anything he asks. But He can! I have trouble wrapping my mind around the idea and believing it, but God did say that if we prayed for anything with faith, even for "a mountain to throw itself into the ocean" (Mark 11:23), He would grant our request. Wow!

Struggle

I feel like I've really been struggling spiritually lately.

You may remember that last week I promised to pray about everything for a week. The results were, more than anything else, frustrating. If I stopped praying for not very long, things really bothered me, or I just suddenly felt really down. The devil trying to tempt me? Proof that prayer does help keep me joyful? I don't know, but I do know that these lows made and make me feel so far from God. It feels impossible to get back to Him. I feel like my prayers aren't making a difference, which even I know is silly. There was the time that I prayed for a car pulling a trailer that looked really dangerous and unstable, and when I turned the corner, the driver had pulled over and was adjusting things in the trailer; there have been the multiple times when I've prayed for strength to get through something when I felt that I just couldn't, and I did in fact make it through, and even do very well indeed sometimes.

My life has suddenly become so results-oriented. When I read a book, I get more excited to be able to finish it and cross it off my list than I am about actually reading it. When I read the Bible in the morning, I'm glad when I've finished my reading even if I haven't gotten anything out of it. When I finish a book of the Bible, I feel accomplished just to be done. Please show me, Lord, that the journey is often more important than reaching the end, or maybe that the real goal is to learn something, not just to finish.

Prayer in my life

Yesterday morning, as I was about to start freericing, I suddenly felt God telling me to google "What is prayer." That is a question that I've really been thinking about lately--what is prayer, what is its purpose, how does it make a difference in the world, and why is it important? The first few results were simple dictionary definitions of prayer, which wasn't what I wanted at all. So instead I googled "prayer quotes", which led to the post yesterday of quotes about prayer. Those quotes were the ones that I felt called to share.

However, what I really got out of a lot of those quotes was the idea that--wow, a lot of people think prayer is really important, really does make a difference, and is truly something that Christians should be doing all the time. Maybe, instead of trying to decide what prayer is and how it works, I should just try it for myself. Also the idea that I don't pray enough surfaced--all the quotes viewed prayer as very important, possibly the most important thing a Christian ever does, and if that's true or even close to true, then I don't pray nearly enough.

So I decided to pray about everything in my life this week, throughout the day.  So that was what I aimed for yesterday and today.

The results were a little disappointing, I must say. But I think that's also because I just expect everything to immediately have results, and really good or preferably amazing ones at that. I'm not sure that I noticed a difference, other than when I stopped praying for short amounts of time things really got on my nerves. This was true both today and yesterday. The devil trying to tempt me away from something he views as good? I'm not sure. I think I remember reading somewhere (C. S. Lewis?) that the devil really comes against someone when they're doing something good, something that will bring them closer to God.

Yesterday I tried really hard to pray about everything. It didn't completely work, of course. Today I did as well. I'm not sure I tried as hard, but I did pray some. And since I normally completely forget to pray at work, I was relatively pleased with the prayers today. And in a way my mid-day slump of feeling depressed about everything was a blessing in disguise, because it reminded me with a jolt to pray, and that I can't do things without God.

Prayer Quotes

Prayer should not be regarded "as a duty which must be performed, but rather as a privilege to be enjoyed, a rare delight that is always revealing some new beauty."  E.M. Bounds 


Martin Luther, when once asked what his plans, for the following day were, answered: “Work, work, from early until late. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.”


Always respond to every impulse to pray. The impulse to pray may come when you are reading or when you are battling with a text. I would make an absolute law of this – always obey such an impulse. --Martyn Lloyd-Jones


Pray, and let God worry. -- Martin Luther

2 Corinthians 6

The first part of this chapter (verses 4-10) speaks about how we should serve God in everything and through everything--fear, work, trials, poorness, anything. This is something I've been struggling with lately in my life, what with work being hectic and all-consuming in a lot of ways. I've prayed less and less and been less reflective in the past week, and just overall spiritually slacking off. As I read this passage, it just really struck me as a beautiful call to follow God in all parts of life and through every experience. The same thing struck me in verse 16, where Paul talks about how we are all temples of/to God--and should behave as such.

Decisions

A lot of decisions have come up for me recently. Firstly, my mom asked me if I wanted to help her write a book. My first response was "NO!" I didn't want to deal with the temptation of that again--I'm still fighting the temptations from my last attempts to write novels. I didn't want to be tempted again, to give myself more opportunities to slip up, to possibly give myself more stories to fight against.

Secondly, I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my life after college. Going to graduate school is definitely something that I've considered. Something that I've been thinking about a lot recently, especially during the last semester, was working in education--whether in some sort of nonprofit, as a teacher, or as a professor. Today someone told me that they really thought I should consider going to seminary and becoming a pastor, and that they thought I'd be good at it. Honestly, the thought just blew me away. It's not something that I'd ever considered for myself, and I've honestly never thought of myself as the kind of person who would make a good pastor. Although I guess it's not the person that makes the pastor, it's God. I promised to think and pray about it. I'm trying to be open about it. God does not seem to be immediately opposed to the idea, at least.

Ultimately, I'm so glad that I don't actually have to make these decisions, or any decisions, really. God will make them all. I do have to decide to follow Him, but I think that's still easier than to make such a huge decision like a career choice, because I know that God has a plan for me, and that anything He asks me to do is part of that plan. I would, however, appreciate prayers: for my decision-making process, that I will be able to hear God speaking to me and have the courage to do what He asks of me. Amen.

Nehemiah 9

A prayer. Most of the prayer is actually just the history of God and the Israelites. They did that a lot, and today it finally hit me why. They were praising God for His faithfulness in the past, and also through that reassuring themselves that He would keep His promises by looking at all the times He did so in the past.

Then I started thinking about how I don't really do that when I pray. I mean, sometimes I'll pray about a Bible verse I just read, or I'll pray about Jesus or mention that God created the world or are love or something. Is that the same thing? There is something good about reminding yourself of God's goodness and past actions. Should I do it? Yes, I think I will try it out.

Questions

Some questions I've recently been considering about my faith:

1) What is prayer? I recently ran across the idea that God won't do anything about a problem if someone doesn't pray about it--is this true? What should I be praying for?

2) What is the nature of trials in our lives? Are they sent from God to test/strengthen us? Are they from the devil? Are they simply a result of our broken world?

3) What is the role of gender in Christianity? Are women supposed to be more submissive, nurturing, caring, only have a family, etc? Are men supposed to be "in charge"? In Jesus' actions, I don't necessarily see support for this--He seems to have treated men and women equally, actually--but there is absolutely support for this in both Old and New Testament writings. Is it legitimate to reject their teachings on this subject because of their inherently misogynistic culture?

4) How legitimate is it to reject parts of the Bible? For instance a seven-day creation, teachings on women's inequality. What about when different writings contradict themselves? For instance in its views of trials--some see them as punishment for evil-doing, others as a part of life and something that needs to be persevered through.

Check up

Firstly, I thought I'd review my summer goals and how I'm doing with them. This is something that I want to make a commitment to doing every Sunday.

1) volunteer somewhere I've made absolutely no progress towards this goal--I haven't looking into volunteering anywhere, or even really thought about it.
2) 2 million grains on freerice I have been working towards this goal, answering a decent number of questions almost every day. However, I have been doing it rather grudgingly. I pray for the generosity to give of my time willingly and use the time to pray or reflect, rather than wish the time would go by faster as I have been doing.
3) finish my summer reading list I am satisfied with my progress on this goal. I finished two books (although I also added two more to my list, so maybe they don't count!) and am currently reading Emma by Jane Austen.
4) book review of each book I read So far I've kept to this goal.
5) reflect more on Bible readings Unfortunately hasn't been true of every time I've read the Bible this week, but I am reflecting more and longer on what I read.
6) after-graduation options All I've done for this goal was register for the GRE.
7) sleep a lot! Overall, this has been the case.
8) exercise I went for two walks and one hike this week.
9) thesis Nope. I've done absolutely nothing to prepare for this.
10) declutter I've also done nothing for this goal.
11) scholarship I have not worked towards this goal, either.

I am actually satisfied with how much I accomplished this last week. It was very much a week of recuperation rather than a week in which I wanted to get anything done. It was a wonderful week, although of course it had its ups and downs.

I went to a prayer labyrinth again today. It felt good, to spend so much time just being with God, thinking and praying and working through issues, or at least acknowledging them to myself and to God.

Secondly, I wanted to reflect on the last school year. This was an activity that I performed with my Christian fellowship a few weeks ago. I wanted to wait to do it purely for myself until after the semester was over and a bit of time had passed, to hopefully allow myself to gain a bit of perspective. The questions are: What have been some of the highs/lows of the year? What has God taught you this year? How has He shown you love this year?

My fall semester was very difficult, emotionally and spiritually. It was just after I'd just come back to Christ, so I was re-learning many of the disciplines involved with being a Christian. I fasted for the first time, which was overall a wonderful, focusing experience. It was difficult emotionally because I felt very lonely--I was far from my family, living with strangers, no friends and no people around me that I particularly wanted to be close with, for much of the time no Christians to interact with. This was challenging for me, but it also deepened my relationship with God. He was literally the only one I could turn to when I was lonely or hurt or needed help. One of the most wonderful parts of the last school year was spending time with Him, learning how freeing and peaceful it is to trust Him with everything, wandering around just with Him and viewing Him not just as my God but also as a friend. Of course, I also struggled with our relationship, things He asked me to do, and so on, and sometimes I just felt so depressed. I remember one day in particular, when I had to walk home in the rain and then I got lost (did I mention it was dark out?). My emotions were boomeranging--one minute I was at peace after walking past a beautiful church, the next minute I felt sad and depressed in a way I can't really describe, the next I was worrying about how I ever knew when God was really speaking to me. Overall, however, it was a very good school year. I feel that I have grown in faith in ways I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I wasn't even a Christian!

What has God taught me? There's been so much! The first lesson I thought of was about me and my reading--how I can read for God, use my reading to learn more about Him, or about His world, or just as a springboard to think about a topic that He wants me to think about. I've become more discerning in choosing what I read, more conscious of the fact that I'm learning from what I read whether I want it or not, as well as feeling less embarrassed about the fact that there are some kinds of books that I just don't want to read.

A lot about Him and how to stay close to Him. He has taught me to talk to Him in ways that I never would have thought of before. Sometimes I really do talk to Him as if He's standing right in front of me. I ask Him what I should do about a lot of things, even things that may seem silly or unimportant like what I should wear in the morning. I still don't pray enough, I think, about things that aren't myself; hopefully that will be something that He'll work with me on in the future.

Most importantly of all, I think, I've been taught over and over again that humans are sinful creatures. We are not perfect and never can be. If I'm left to myself, my instinct or whatever is to do evil. This is something that I've been made aware of in several ways--in trying to undo the bad habits that I unwittingly picked up when I wasn't Christian, when I wasted time or thought of stories even when I knew it was wrong, just watching people and the world around me. I am naturally sinful, and the only real thing we can do about that is turn to God and ask for His help. In the past I've had trouble turning my knowledge that God wants to help me into actual action against sin. But God also taught me that we humans have free will; He allows us to make choices. We need to make the choices: whether to follow Him or not, whether to resist sin or not, whether to read the Bible or not. God will respect our free will and love us no matter what choice we make, but He will also not change the consequences of our actions. If a choice leads us deeper into sin, or leads us closer to Him, He will not change that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't expect God to just make the choice to resist sin for us. We have to make that decision. Where God comes in is in telling us which decision to make, and in giving us the strength to make that decision, no matter how difficult it may be.

I am sinful. That is something that I think isn't said enough, often. I am sinful. I am not perfect. But Jesus died for me to wash away my sins and imperfections. He wanted something more than sin for me--He wanted perfection. God has shown/told me that He wants me to strive for perfection in everything I do, no matter how impossible it may be or seem. God wants perfection from us.

Preparation

Today, instead of going for a walk, I walked a prayer labyrinth. It was a really interesting experience. At first I really disliked it--walking to nowhere seemed strange, almost distracting, not to mention the birds all around me were really distracting. But once I managed to rise above all that I found it very conducive to reflection. Just following the path without thinking about where I was supposed to go meant that I could focus solely on reflection, while the walking gave my body something to do while I was thinking.

For the first time in a while, I felt at peace with the fact that God wants me to be at home this summer, rather than saying "Thy will be done, Lord" but still feeling upset about it. God presented the summer to me as a time of preparation for next year and afterwards. It gave the summer a sense of purpose. I think one of the things I've really disliked about being home for the summer in the past is the complete lack of purpose in my life--I was really just biding my time until I could go back to doing things in many ways.

Miscellaneous

Not much to write about, really. It's finals week, so of course it's completely crazy. I've already had one miracle of a final, so here's hoping the last one will go just as well! I'm trying to deal with the fact that it's almost summer. I think time has been passing differently for me since I've become a Christian again. I'm trying to accept God's will for my summer plans. I'm praying for an acquaintance whose father just died, as well as people taking finals, packing, graduating, going on to summer plans or moving on with their life.

1 Samuel 8

This is the chapter where the Israelites ask God for a king.  I feel like this is such a relevant chapter.  They want a king because Samuel's sons aren't good judges--they want stability, a set chain of successors, the don't want to have to depend on God to bring a new, good judge every time one dies.  They want a king because everyone else has one--peer pressure.  Neither of those reasons are good reasons to want anything.  And God says to Samuel to tell them that that's not what He wants, that it's a sin, and that it's just a new form of idolatry.  I thought that last reason was really interesting--I've never heard the idea of idolatry not being just about false gods in the Bible before, or at least not in the Old Testament (were kings seen as gods?).  Also can't help noticing that God said, "This isn't what I want, but if they keep asking for it I'll give it to them."  Does God really do this?  Even when it's so not in our best interests?  Sometimes I feel like God does that with me, when I ask for something I know I shouldn't and He says yes anyway.  Does He really say yes to every prayer? (if He does, I should be a lot more careful what I pray for!).  But it seems to me that 'No' is an answer to a prayer, even if it's not necessarily the answer you wanted.  But I've also only really noticed that in more personal prayers: "Should I have dessert tonight?" But God also seems to say no to other prayers, to prayers of healing (does going to heaven count as healing?), for peace in wars and food for the hungry.  But maybe I'm just looking at the wrong perspective or not doing enough.

Sabbath Thoughts

I had a wonderful Sabbath today.  I read some of three different books, all just for fun; I watched a lot of Star Trek; I went for a walk; I thought about the last week.  I feel very rested and refreshed.  Thoughts I had about the last week:
-I worried way too much.  Trusting God to deal with my problems is something I definitely need to work on.
-I used my time fairly wisely.
-Especially yesterday, I had such a sense of how I'm still learning and how to think about things critically.
-I didn't pray enough, at all.
-A lot of the time when I read the Bible this week, I read passively, not trying to see what God was trying to tell me through what I was learning.
-I didn't make wise food choices.

Prayer today

Today I prayed for:
-Jason
-hungry people
-people taking exams
-people affected by the tornado

I thanked God for:
-cloudy days
-sleep
-apples with peanut butter
-the Bible
-birds

Prayer Today

Today I prayed for:
-Jason
-that I'll listen to You today
-that I'm not getting sick
-safe weekend for everyone
-that You'll show me what You want me to see as I'm reading the Bible
-that I'll work hard today and strive for perfection
-for faith
-Uzbekistan
-Luxembourg
-Germany
-Portugal
-Sri Lanka
-Alexei
-the Congo
-Australia
-gene manipulation
-hunger
-hunters
-knots and untangling them
-Iceland
-Brazil
-pilgrims
-the music industry
-jungles
-drug addicts
-jail
-the world
-Scotland
-Ethiopia
-drivers
-Emma
-ambulances
-fire trucks

I thanked God for:
-food
-water
-electricity
-the sun
-time spent with Him
-flowers
-bees
-butterflies
-tea
-study parties
-friends

Today I prayed for...

Today I prayed for:
-inspiration from God as I read the Bible
-the courage, strength, and wisdom to do what's right today and to follow God
-patience
-help with laundry
-couples
-students
-workers
-people with Alzheimer's and their caretakers, friends, and family

Today I thanked God for:
-food
-sunshine
-Jesus
-God's love
-Disney music
-His help with resisting sin
-friends
-family
-new books to read
-music
-Bananagrams

My Prayers Today

Again, today I recorded everything that I prayed for:
-me to not sin today
-John's track meet
-me to stay in reality today
-for the strength to resist sin
-that I will read the Scripture for the right reasons
-seniors and thesis-writing
-V feeling like she's not a good friend
-P with testicular cancer and his wife
-Wendy
-teachers
-a friend who didn't get the job he wanted
-all my friends (sick, stressful jobs)
-call-center workers
-people stuck outside in the cold
-Ireland
-servants
-people not getting enough sleep
-pilgrims
-names
-sour people
-anorexia
-first impressions
-Google
-the planet
-freerice.com
-Ferris wheels
-assistants
-Argentina
-that I will not get sick
-my family
-people making decisions
-aid workers around the world

And thank You, God, for:
-the snow
-the sunshine
-chocolate
-water
-calculators
-health
-soap
-new books to read
-good food
-friends
-bubbles
-water

Morning Prayer

This morning, instead of reading the Bible like I normally do, I just prayed--mostly for others and for situations in the world.  I will admit, I'm not sure how much difference it made in my routine and how I thought about things.  I didn't pray much during the day, and feel like I didn't listen to God all that much.

Praying through the Day

Praying is something I really struggle with--what to pray about, not just praying about myself, and just praying at all.  So this morning I decided to write down everything that I prayed about today.  Here's the list:
-various friends (feeling tired or depressed, working a difficult job)
-my brother
-the country and the world
-the debt crisis
-greed
-starvation
-AIDS and other sicknesses
-people living in a dictatorship
-seniors (of high school and college)
-a friend's sick sister
-people applying for internships and jobs
-that people may keep the right priorities
-a friend's friend with brain cancer, and his family and friends
-wisdom to know what God wants me to do today
-doctors
-everyone with cancer and their family and friends
-that people would come to know God
-the rich
-Iron Man (fans, creators)
-people who are confused
-Hungary
-restaurants
-Uzbekistan
-that everyone has a good weekend
-safety for people who go out tonight
-the people in Europe who are trying to deal with the sudden cold
-friends in Austria
-people who are suffering from war

Things I thanked God for:
-food
-music
-the sun
-rain
-people who come to meetings
-peanuts and peanut butter

Thanking God always gives me a feeling of amazing, completely inexplicable joy.

Doing this--writing down everything I prayed about, I mean--really helped me to focus on praying, especially if I ran across something that needed to be prayed for.  It was pretty amazing.  I feel like the focus on prayer and thanking God made my day much more joyful.