Writing and Christian Creativity

I just finished my review for Scribbling in the Sand, and it brought up so many thoughts that didn't really fit into a book review.

I intended this summer to be a summer of writing, both for myself and for actual money. It was quite a failure--like I mentioned before, I don't do very well with the non-structured summer life, and I let my obsessions get quite out of control. I feel like I learned a lot, but I wish that I had already known it as well as I thought I did.

At the end of the summer, I still want to commit to writing more. In part that was why I started these blogs. Writing still terrifies me sometimes (remember this post? Yeah, I still feel like that all the time). It's such a leap of faith sometimes, if not all the time. At other times it's just plain difficult. I have so many ideas running around in my head, and it's hard to pick between them. There are so many other, easier, less productive things that I also want to be doing.

And how do I allow God to work through what I'm writing? Scribbling in the Sand brought up the idea of your art being your worship, or a form of worship. How is what I write worship? Yes, sometimes when I write--on good days--I feel such joy as I write, feel that God is sitting right by me, guiding my typing hands. Other days I feel nothing but struggle, and I wonder if I should write at all on those days. On good days I can see how my story worships God, on other days I can't. Is it enough of a worship to write in obedience? Should the story also be a form of worship? It's hard to feel as if a description of people playing cards is a form of worship. It's hard to feel as if a fight scene is a form of worship. It's hard to remember that maybe the overall plot is beautiful, even if the moments aren't always. Is that alright?

And where is my writing going? What about seminary?

I pray that God will guide me as I try to navigate this while also going to seminary. I know that He'll be right there beside me no matter what I'm struggling with. I feel Him right here even as I ask these questions.

New Stage/Moving

I have decided to return to this blog. I'm not sure why, or why I left it for awhile--both just felt right.

So I'm back now, right before I head off to my first year at seminary. It probably wasn't the best time to start this up again--I'm sure I'll be very, very busy once school starts. But maybe I'll need a spot to work things through in writing and in "public."

I'm feeling very melancholy today. I'm so ready for seminary to start on so many levels--I'm sick of summer (I don't do well with all the free time and tend to waste it, which I so did this summer), I love school and can't wait for it to start again, I want to go and explore my new home. And I'm so not ready on so many other levels--how difficult will the classes be? will I be able to meet people and form friendships? how will I get around without a car? how much God-and-I time will I have? how wrong are my expectations? how will I make ends meet?

I think I'm going to start packing today. Tomorrow my church is going to pray for me in the service. I've been stocking up on food and supplies to take with me. The time is finally coming. What will it bring?

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Back to School

I've been having a really hard time adjusting to being back at school. I'm not entirely sure why--it just feels really weird this time around. I think part of it is that I created this idea of how it would be like to come back, without even realizing it; of course it's not actually like that, so now I feel disappointed. I've been having trouble carving out time for God. Being with my friends again feels weird, and is perhaps not a good influence, since none of them are Christian. I'm worried that the goals I've set for myself this semester are too high. I'm afraid to mention to anyone that I'm planning on going to seminary after school--it's not a very Christian campus. But I don't want to be afraid of who I am--a Christian, who is currently being called to go to seminary--nor do I want to change who I am just to fit in. I feel like I'm denying myself by not telling anyone, even while I can't seem to work up the courage to mention it to anyone.

Please help me to trust You, God, more than anything or anyone else. Please help me to give my worries to You, and trust in Your plan for me.

Peace

The past few days I've been very worried about going back to school. Not even about the schoolwork part of it--although it looks to be a difficult semester in terms of that, too--but about the people at school. It's not the most Christian school, in terms of a lot of the people, in fact they can be downright hostile about it. This isn't really something that's bothered me in the past, but I'm leading a Christian group this semester and pretty certain that I'm going to go to seminary after college. I think my Christianity is going to get a bit more noticed.

Anyway. So I've been worrying. Last night I couldn't sleep because of it, so I got out my iPod, put on some downhere music (my favorite Christian band), played Solitaire, and talked to God about my worries. It was such a relief. I hadn't even realized how long it's been since I've talked to God, I mean really talked to Him, without putting any barriers in the way or having to go do something else in ten minutes. It was such a relief, and so freeing.

This morning I was still worrying. I was having a hard time concentrating because of how much I was worrying. I finally said to myself, "This is completely ridiculous. You're worrying about something that is a completely hypothetical situation in the future. God is in control of the future!!" I promised myself and God that I wouldn't think about going off to college for the rest of the day. And I didn't. It was a total miracle, actually, because I'm not very good at controlling my thoughts. I did some work for my Christian group, had lunch with a friend, read a book and listened to the rain, read the Bible and talked to God about it, and it was actually a completely amazing day. God can do amazing things, even with a day that starts out full of worry!

Fear

Today I was thinking about fear in my life. I used to be afraid of many things--driving on the highway, for instance, and calling people I didn't know on the phone. God has helped me work through a lot of these fears (OK, by 'work through' I mean God telling me, "Go do that. Yes, I'm right here and it will be fine. Now go do it!"), and the release has been amazing.

Now, I spent a bit of time feeling all proud of myself, thinking about how awesome I am, etc. Then I realized how many things I am still afraid of. For one thing, looking for a job. I'm afraid to put myself out there like that, and afraid of the inevitable rejection. Also a serious romantic relationship, and letting go of certain things to God. Realizing this depressed me, almost. I mean, of course I'm not as awesome as I'd like to think, and I do need to work on my humility, but realizing all these things I was still afraid of was rather disheartening. If anything, it feels like all the simpler fears, like highway driving, have been removed, only to reveal the real, large fears, like job interviews and relationships. There's still a lot of work to be done on me and my fears.