Eternal

God is eternal and unchanging. What a comforting thought, and yet how difficult to wrap your head around! It's comforting the know that God will never change, will always be loving and forgiving towards me--and yet it's so hard to imagine never changing. God has been the same ever since He created the universe as He is right now and as He will be when the universe comes to an end. Wow!

It's even harder to remember because my perceptions of God change over time as I learn more about Him. It's hard to remember that my knowledge of Him my change, my relationship with Him may change, but the change is all on my side. He is the same as He's always been.

Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Struggle

This whole month, really, has been a month of struggle for me in my faith. It's not that I'm doubting so much as just having moments where I can't feel God, or feel like He's trying to tell me something but I have NO idea what it is, or just feel very inadequate. I've been struggling a lot lately with pride, with God's love, with stories, with priorities. It's been rough.

Comfort in Isaiah

I've been struggling lately with my faith. Well, it's not that I've been doubting, it's more that I don't feel God as close as I was feeling Him, and I've had some very uncomfortable questions. I'm tired, and more than just physically. I had creepy dreams last night, but it was still hard to get up--there's something so alluring about evil when you're not thinking straight.

Then I started my reading in Isaiah. It was so, so unbelievably comforting:
-"I'm the one who promises it; I'm here." Isaiah 52:6 (CEB)
-"But my righteousness will last forever." Isaiah 51:8 (NIV)
-"He was pierced because of our rebellions and crushed because of our crimes. He bore the punishment that made us whole; by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

Hallelujah, that we serve a living God!!

Update

This past week was really, really hard. I couldn't seem to focus on anything, and I felt stressed about everything that needed to be done, no matter what I did. I felt like I was missing something important, and had a sense of dread. I'm still not sure what that may have been, what God may have been trying to tell me.

Isaiah 43:1-7

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”
                  ~Isaiah 43:1-7 (NIV)

These verses are just so beautiful. God loves me, you, and every single person on this earth so, so much. And He will be with us, always.

Isaiah

For the past few weeks I've been reading Isaiah. It's been really really strange, actually. In many ways the God of Isaiah is not the God I know--He is so angry and destructive! That's a part of God that I often forget about--maybe want to forget about. Who wants to remember that God can get angry, that God will destroy sin someday? Because we all sin. What parts of ourselves will be destroyed in that destruction? (but were they really worth saving?) I don't want God to be angry with me.

Looked at another way, this anger is almost comforting. God will destroy the sin in my life. He still loves me. Even during all the destruction and anger in this book, God's love for His people still comes through. Destruction is His final, final, final option. And God has a right to be angry, after all--sin goes so against His nature and His will for us.

Update

I don't even know when the last time was that I posted here; sorry for the long delay. My life has been crazy this past month at school, with just so much to do! So I guess one big thing that I've been struggling with is not worrying and trusting God to be in control and take care of things. That's always something I struggle with, though, especially during the school year. It seems a bit unbelievable that I've been at school for more than a month now. I also feel that that gives me a bit of perspective when it comes to worrying; that thing that I was worrying about three weeks ago? I don't even remember it any more.

The other big thing going on in my life right now is that I have really been thinking about my place at my school, as a Christian. Yesterday I made a commitment, with a few others, to be more intentional about witnessing. We discussed some ways to do so that are respectful and metaphors that we can use. We decided to commit to focusing on two people--not to exclude others, but simply to make the task less daunting.

Worrying

This semester, I've been super busy, but I've been taking a weekly Sabbath every Saturday. This week, though, God said to me: "Alina, I want you to take Sunday off, too."

I was not happy. But I had a very restful day, and taking two days in a row off forced me to think about a few things. For one thing, I had been depending on today to get, hopefully, a lot done. Obviously, that didn't happen. But you know what? It's really OK. God is in control here, not me. My worrying tends to increase as I have more to do. God's in control, though, and my worrying accomplishes nothing no matter how much or little I have to do!

The other thing I've been worried about lately is, oddly, going to sleep. I thought for a few days that it was because of everything that I needed to do the next day, but I realized today that it's actually because of the dreams I've been having lately. No, they're not nightmares, not by any stretch of the imagination. It's more that if I've already had enough sleep, or if I know it's almost time to wake up, or if it's a really exciting dream, I've started controlling and manipulating my dreams. It's become my new Storyland, and one that I'm much less capable of controlling. It's awful; like my mind has betrayed me, at least while I'm sleeping. And it is hard to resist the call to lose myself in fantasies when I wake up after one of those Storyland dreams. Lord, please give me strength.

Excellence

The start of this semester has been a struggle for me, in a lot of ways. Many of those struggles are related to academics and my classes--partly the work and getting everything done, but mostly my motivation and effort.

The Bible says "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the father through him" (Colossians 3:17). Last semester I really, really strove to give my absolute best to all of my classes, and to turn in my absolute best for every assignment. But I've been completely unable to do that so far this semester.

There are a few reasons. Last semester I loved all of my classes, or at least liked them, and they challenged me. This semester I don't love any of them, and two of them have been outright boring and unchallenging so far. The other two are individual, and therefore so unstructured, that I've been having difficulty giving myself goals, let alone meeting those goals. Last semester I also knew that many of my classes could later be relevant to my future career--but now God has completely changed my mind about that, I'm going to seminary, and none of my classes are immediately relevant anymore.

I still want to give my all to all of my classes, even if I haven't so far. But I've decided that I'm going to. I'm going to do everything "in the name of the Lord Jesus," and that means doing it joyfully, doing it morally, and doing it as well as I am able.

Why?

Why didn't God reveal Himself to the whole world? Why reveal Himself to just one nation, the Israelites?

Reflections

I had my fellowship group tonight, and it was the first serious meeting of the semester.

It made me think about a few things. The first is witnessing. I've written here before about how uncomfortable I am with witnessing, or even just with thoughtfully engaging with a culture. But I've really been feeling a calling to really focus on witnessing to others this semester, more than on my personal relationship with God, which I think was my focus last semester. (Not that I'm going to ignore my personal relationship with Him! I just honestly didn't even think about witnessing at all last semester, so it's a very different focus). I'm realizing more and more how it's a vital part of Christianity, loving Jesus so much that you want to tell others about Him. Does not being willing to do that mean that you're not Christian, that you don't love Jesus enough? I don't know, just something I've been thinking about. So I've make a commitment to talking about my belief in God/Jesus more, something that's met with limited succes so far (in terms of me having the courage to talk about it, I mean).

The second thing was wealth. We were discussing Acts 2:42-47, and there's a verse in there where the disciples sell their wealth and use the money to help others who really need it. I have so much wealth, really--I have lots of stuff, and I'm in college. I know there are things I own that I could do without. I really felt a condemnation, really, about how little I've been giving to others lately, at least monetarily.