Reflections

I had my fellowship group tonight, and it was the first serious meeting of the semester.

It made me think about a few things. The first is witnessing. I've written here before about how uncomfortable I am with witnessing, or even just with thoughtfully engaging with a culture. But I've really been feeling a calling to really focus on witnessing to others this semester, more than on my personal relationship with God, which I think was my focus last semester. (Not that I'm going to ignore my personal relationship with Him! I just honestly didn't even think about witnessing at all last semester, so it's a very different focus). I'm realizing more and more how it's a vital part of Christianity, loving Jesus so much that you want to tell others about Him. Does not being willing to do that mean that you're not Christian, that you don't love Jesus enough? I don't know, just something I've been thinking about. So I've make a commitment to talking about my belief in God/Jesus more, something that's met with limited succes so far (in terms of me having the courage to talk about it, I mean).

The second thing was wealth. We were discussing Acts 2:42-47, and there's a verse in there where the disciples sell their wealth and use the money to help others who really need it. I have so much wealth, really--I have lots of stuff, and I'm in college. I know there are things I own that I could do without. I really felt a condemnation, really, about how little I've been giving to others lately, at least monetarily.

Sabbath

I took today as a Sabbath (well, it was more of a half Sabbath), as I often do on Sundays. It was, honestly, an amazing Sabbath. I spent the day sleeping in, praying, reading the Bible, spending time with friends, reading fun books, talking with my family back home, and reflecting. It was the most refreshing Sabbath I've had in a long, long time. Thank You, God!!

Back to School

I've been having a really hard time adjusting to being back at school. I'm not entirely sure why--it just feels really weird this time around. I think part of it is that I created this idea of how it would be like to come back, without even realizing it; of course it's not actually like that, so now I feel disappointed. I've been having trouble carving out time for God. Being with my friends again feels weird, and is perhaps not a good influence, since none of them are Christian. I'm worried that the goals I've set for myself this semester are too high. I'm afraid to mention to anyone that I'm planning on going to seminary after school--it's not a very Christian campus. But I don't want to be afraid of who I am--a Christian, who is currently being called to go to seminary--nor do I want to change who I am just to fit in. I feel like I'm denying myself by not telling anyone, even while I can't seem to work up the courage to mention it to anyone.

Please help me to trust You, God, more than anything or anyone else. Please help me to give my worries to You, and trust in Your plan for me.

Summer Goals--Wrap-up

Since I'm heading back to school tomorrow, I feel that the summer is officially over, or practically. So I'm going to run through the goals I had going into the summer and how well I met those goals.

1) Volunteer I volunteered a few times at my church, helping them prepare for Vacation Bible School, and helped teach Sunday School a few Sundays. I had imagined myself volunteering more, but considering that I had a job for the summer, I'm pretty satisfied with how much volunteering I did.
2) Freerice I still can't quite believe it, but I actually reached my goal of getting 2 million grains! Today I hit the 2 million mark, and my final total was 2,011,260 grains. Wow!!
3) Summer reading Considering the fact that I had a job, I was really pleased with how much of my list I finished. The only books I didn't touch were a book about bees and Silent Spring by Rachel Carson (which is really too bad, I was really looking forward to reading it). I'm also still working on Parzival by Sir Wolfram Eschenbach; I only have a few chapters left.
4) Book reviews I reviewed every book I finished this summer. I even feel like my reviews have improved a bit.
5) Reflect more Hm. Sometimes I did great on this, and sometimes I did really horribly. I think that I actually reflected more last school year--perhaps because I'm so in the habit of analyzing things, perhaps because my fellowship group at school is more supportive. I did try to reflect, but it was very up and down.
6) After graduation I made a lot of progress in this direction, although not at all in the way I imagined. I scheduled my GRE and then cancelled it; that was what I felt God calling me to do. Then I felt Him calling me to go to seminary. So I researched seminaries, and spoke with three different pastors over the summer about seminary and the ministry (although I'm not sure if I'm being called to ministry--just seminary, at least at the moment).
7) Sleep! Considering the fact that I had a job and no time, I did pretty well. There were very few days when I didn't get at least eight hours of sleep, at least (I tend to need nine).
8) Exercise OK, I didn't do very well on this goal. I rarely exercised more than once a week, if that.
9) Work on thesis I read almost every book that I wanted to read this summer, which really pleased me. I didn't get a chance to read any of the articles I wanted to read, but I'm still pretty happy with what I accomplished.
10) Declutter Some decluttering happened, although not as much as I would have liked.
11) Scholarships Amazingly, I submitted 42 scholarship applications this summer. Wow!
12) Pray for others I made amazing progress on this, actually. I thought and reflected a lot about prayer this summer. I got a lot more in the habit of praying for people and situations that I see, and created a list of things to pray for throughout the year (it includes endangered species and careers). The one thing that I wish I could have worked on a bit more was the list itself--it's not done yet, and I still haven't quite gotten into the habit yet of using it every day.

Peace

The past few days I've been very worried about going back to school. Not even about the schoolwork part of it--although it looks to be a difficult semester in terms of that, too--but about the people at school. It's not the most Christian school, in terms of a lot of the people, in fact they can be downright hostile about it. This isn't really something that's bothered me in the past, but I'm leading a Christian group this semester and pretty certain that I'm going to go to seminary after college. I think my Christianity is going to get a bit more noticed.

Anyway. So I've been worrying. Last night I couldn't sleep because of it, so I got out my iPod, put on some downhere music (my favorite Christian band), played Solitaire, and talked to God about my worries. It was such a relief. I hadn't even realized how long it's been since I've talked to God, I mean really talked to Him, without putting any barriers in the way or having to go do something else in ten minutes. It was such a relief, and so freeing.

This morning I was still worrying. I was having a hard time concentrating because of how much I was worrying. I finally said to myself, "This is completely ridiculous. You're worrying about something that is a completely hypothetical situation in the future. God is in control of the future!!" I promised myself and God that I wouldn't think about going off to college for the rest of the day. And I didn't. It was a total miracle, actually, because I'm not very good at controlling my thoughts. I did some work for my Christian group, had lunch with a friend, read a book and listened to the rain, read the Bible and talked to God about it, and it was actually a completely amazing day. God can do amazing things, even with a day that starts out full of worry!

Hebrews 4:14-16

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 (NIV)

For whatever reason, today the knowledge that Jesus knows what I'm going through, can empathize because of His time on earth, but stayed sinless through it all, stuck me as beautiful.

Proverbs 8

All about wisdom--how it's more valuable than gold or silver, how you only need to look for it to find it ("Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened" Matthew 7:7), how it existed at the creation of the world. Wisdom isn't really something that people talk about today. Intelligence, knowledge, smarts, yes. But wisdom? Not really, except in fantasy stories when there's a wise old man/woman who gives the here the information they need. Even then, though, is that knowledge or wisdom? Is there a difference? I think knowledge can be wisdom--a knowledge of God, of how to help people, how the world works--but it can also be something else--the knowledge of all the capitols in the world, or of the chemicals in the Kreb's cycle, or of how to fix a car. Wisdom, God's wisdom, is knowledge of Him and His ways, following those ways and not allowing yourself to be tempted away, or at least knowing the things that really tempt you and avoiding them. God's wisdom is different than the world's wisdom ("Don't fool yourself! If you think you are wise in the things of this world, you will have to become foolish before you can be truly wise. This is because God considers the wisdom of this world to be foolish. It is just as the Scriptures say, 'God catches the wise when they try to outsmart him.'" 1 Corinthians 3:19-23), more life-giving and less constraining, I think (God does offer freedom). The world's wisdom is so set in its ways--do this or you'll look stupid and fail. I suppose God's is too--My way or hell.

Hm.  That's stumped me. Well, God's intentions are so different--to love us, to free us from sin. The worlds just wants its so because that's how people do it, or that's what it thinks. Does that make sense?

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Psalm 111:10

Last Week

Well, last week was quite a roller coaster. Or maybe not a roller coaster... maybe more of a flat line, and at that a flat line that was at a much lower level than I wanted it to be at.

Sorry, did that make sense? Let me explain. I went into the week fully intending to be very productive: finish a few books before I headed back to school, finish up some of the reading for my thesis next semester, do lots of errands like getting my hair cut and activating my credit card. Let me tell you, the week definitely didn't turn out like that. I mostly just watched Stargate SG-1 (I'm a sucker for sci-fi, of all sorts and sizes) and played games on my computer. Honestly, it was kind of awful. Watching that much TV isn't even fun, it's brain-deadening and addictive and completely pointless. Same for computer games. Ick!

It was a relief to be able to break the cycle on Saturday and do some work: thesis readings, cleaning around the house, baking, and scholarships. So I've come away from that whole experience with a renewed desire to follow God whole-heartedly and try to learn more about Him. Going through the motions isn't enough.

Cleaning

At work today we were weeding and cleaning. Since it's rather mindless work a lot of the time, it gave me a lot of time to think, and I actually started thinking about the processes of those two very similar tasks. In The Shack, there is a scene where the main character works in a garden (both weeding and pruning) that turns out to be his soul, and that metaphor came back to me as I was weeding today. I was thinking about: how do you know what's a weed? You have to have experience, and often help at first, to know what's a weed and what's good. Weeding is also hard work, just like working with God for a better, more Christ-like soul is. You have to make choices--am I going to pull every single one of these tiny little weeds? Are they really that important? Wouldn't it be easier to come back later and do them? Finally, weeding can be discouraging. Weeds will just keep popping back up, no matter what you do. Weeding can feel pointless, if you're not careful. But think what a mess a garden would be if you never weeded! You would never get fruit or veggies or whatever out of that garden!! And the fight for our souls is the same way--it may feel hopeless sometimes, like we'll never succeed in getting a perfect spotless soul--and we won't, even with God's help, at least not on this earth--but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try!

Later we were cleaning. When you're cleaning (especially something that isn't yours--sorry, sad but true) it's so easy to get into a mechanical state, where you just do the task without thinking about it. That often means that you don't scrub at that mark on the floor, you just mop without paying the least bit of attention to what you're doing. How often do my times with God just become mechanical--read this chapter of the Bible, now read this book, now pray for these things, now do this, now to that--without making any sort of impression on me?

Psalm 86

This psalm really said almost everything I'm thinking about my faith right now. David praises God, asks for His protection and His help in his faith walk, and admits his own sinfulness. It really seemed like he said everything I want to say to God right now. It was pretty amazing!

Colossians 3:14

"And above all these things put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

That comment about love just really struck me as being so true. Think about it--we humans were created for love by God, and so was the whole world. He loved us so much that He initiated a relationship with humans. He loved us so much that He allowed His son to die for us, to redeem us. Love really does hold the whole world together!!

Psalm 25, 27

In both psalms, David writes about his faith in God, and that faith just blows me away. He calls on Him for forgiveness, for guidance, for wisdom, for protection, and he thinks God can do anything he asks. But He can! I have trouble wrapping my mind around the idea and believing it, but God did say that if we prayed for anything with faith, even for "a mountain to throw itself into the ocean" (Mark 11:23), He would grant our request. Wow!

Psalm 14

The first time I read this psalm, I was caught by the first line: "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'" And maybe they are fools, for not recognizing or accepting God. But there are so many of them, all around, that thinking of them as fools is probably not a good idea--it's hard to be Christian towards someone you think is a fool. Yes, they're wrong, but I can also understand where they're coming from--it's hard to see God when you don't believe in Him, and even harder to accept His guidance when you're used to doing whatever you want.

On my second read-through, I noticed more how David laments the evil and the evil people in the world. That's something that we're still doing today. It's a nice reminder that the people in the Bible weren't so different from us.

Psalm 4

As I read this, a bunch of different thoughts flashed through my head. In verse 2 David wonders how much longer men will "love vain words and seek after lies." A lot of things have changed since David wrote this psalm, but that hasn't--humans are still seeking the wrong things, still sinful. Verses 3 and 5 comforted me: "The Lord hears when I call him" and "Put your trust in the Lord." And verse 7, speaking of people who doubt God: "Thou hast put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound." God gives me joy, even though I have doubts and bad days, and I thank Him for that.