Gideon

I was rereading the story of Gideon yesterday and today (Judges 6-8) and was really struck by how like me Gideon was. When God comes to him, Gideon's first reaction is anger and bitterness:  “Pardon me, my lord, but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lordhas abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.” (Judges 6:13) Wow! Isn't that exactly the sort of thing each of us has thought at least once, and struggled with--especially when friends ask us these sorts of questions? Then Gideon doubts God and His power, especially in his own life and with his own weakness:  “Pardon me, my lord, but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” (Judges 6:15) Man, I've so been there. Then Gideon wants proof: “If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me." (Judges 6:17) I'm always wanting proof, and, like Gideon, God is often gracious and gives me proof again and again (He also performs miracles for Gideon in Judges 6:36-40). When God asks him to break down the alters of the people in his town, Gideon does it at night for fear of other's reactions (Judges 6:27). I must say, I do things secretly for fear of others disappointingly regularly (although it's not always bad to do things in secret, it just depends on your reasons--see Matthew 6:3). 

What a beautiful reminder that God can speak to me through Scripture!

Testing

This morning I read an essay by Hugh Ross (in A Place for Truth, edited by Dallas Willard) about how he has read through the entire Bible, testing the validity of every statement (scientific, prophetic, historic). I want to do that. I want to read the Bible over again, with new eyes, testing everything. Doesn't Paul say "Test everything"? (1 Thessalonians 5:21) I want to read prophecies and understand what they mean, what they predicted and what of that has already come to pass, not just say, "Hm, I wonder what that means?", like I have so many times before.

If God really is who He says He is, He's up for the challenge.

Psalm 116

God is faithful. We should love God because of the good that He's done in the past. But isn't that a bit selfish? Shouldn't we love God because He's the Creator and Ruler of the universe and the Savior and because He died for me? I guess those all fall into the first category, of loving God just for what He's done for me. Also all still loving God for what He's done, not who He is. But how would we know who He was if not through His actions? How would we know who anyone was? Our actions define us, define how others see us. It's easier to praise God for His actions--those are things that we've experiences, concrete experiences--as opposed to praising a character trait, something a bit vague and something I may or may not have experienced. But when we praise a character trait, what are we doing but thinking of all the times we've experienced that trait in our relationship with God? I know that's what I do.

"Everyone needs Jesus"

"Everyone needs Jesus," he said. And I suddenly realized that I didn't totally believe that. Believe it in my head? Sure. Believe it enough to act on it, enough that I can feel it? Nope.

It was sort of a weird thing to realize. My passion for helping others find Jesus has been growing over the past months--but what's the point of that if I don't think that everyone needs Jesus? What am I doing instead, trying to prove that my way is better? That I'm always right?

"Remember"

I've been reading through some of Deuteronomy right now, and the thing that really struck me this time is how much God reminds the Israelites to remember Him and what He's done for them. That's something that I've been thinking about too, lately--it's so important to remember God and who He is, not just in the bible but also who He's been in my life. I need to remember not only that He saved the Israelites from slavery and died for me, but also the comfort and joy He's given me and the fact that He saved me personally from my sin.

Late Night Thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much thinking, too much self-condemnation. One thing God has been showing me lately is the fact that I am sinful, that I can never earn God's love or His salvation. I can never pay back what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am not completely good. It's been brought home to me in various ways over the past week or so, the latest being my complete inability to control my own thoughts, at least when it comes to my stories.

My stories are something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was struggling with them about a month ago and I heard God say, "I know you're struggling with this, and the desire in you to create has become corrupted. But I want to use this gift you have for good, for my plan, and right now I'm just cleansing that part of your soul so I can do that." I gave all my stories to Him, one by one. A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep and God told me, "Write. Write." I wrote the beginning of a story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but different than I've ever written before: with the knowledge that the story is coming from God and I am merely the instrument used to have the story written down, listening prayerfully for every word and sentence I should write, not planning out the story ahead of time. That was the plan, anyway. It's been so, so difficult. The temptation to just think about the story, to savor what might happen and the experiences the characters will have without writing it out, to just keep it all trapped in my mind, is so, so strong, and I've given in to it so much since I started. I've failed God so often. I am sinful. I've been prideful and obsessive about what I've written, what I could go on to write. I don't know how to do this in a godly way. I'm up so late because I was writing, even though God wasn't telling me to. It's so easy to confuse God's call and obsession. I pray as I write this that God will show me what His will is for this story that I write, for the others still in my mind, and that He will give me the strength to do what He wills with this story. I pray for wisdom, for knowledge of what I should do and what God's will is. Most of all, I pray for God to be with me and comfort me and strengthen me as I struggle with this. May He guide me through this.

Eternal

God is eternal and unchanging. What a comforting thought, and yet how difficult to wrap your head around! It's comforting the know that God will never change, will always be loving and forgiving towards me--and yet it's so hard to imagine never changing. God has been the same ever since He created the universe as He is right now and as He will be when the universe comes to an end. Wow!

It's even harder to remember because my perceptions of God change over time as I learn more about Him. It's hard to remember that my knowledge of Him my change, my relationship with Him may change, but the change is all on my side. He is the same as He's always been.

Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Struggle

This whole month, really, has been a month of struggle for me in my faith. It's not that I'm doubting so much as just having moments where I can't feel God, or feel like He's trying to tell me something but I have NO idea what it is, or just feel very inadequate. I've been struggling a lot lately with pride, with God's love, with stories, with priorities. It's been rough.

Comfort in Isaiah

I've been struggling lately with my faith. Well, it's not that I've been doubting, it's more that I don't feel God as close as I was feeling Him, and I've had some very uncomfortable questions. I'm tired, and more than just physically. I had creepy dreams last night, but it was still hard to get up--there's something so alluring about evil when you're not thinking straight.

Then I started my reading in Isaiah. It was so, so unbelievably comforting:
-"I'm the one who promises it; I'm here." Isaiah 52:6 (CEB)
-"But my righteousness will last forever." Isaiah 51:8 (NIV)
-"He was pierced because of our rebellions and crushed because of our crimes. He bore the punishment that made us whole; by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

Hallelujah, that we serve a living God!!

Update

This past week was really, really hard. I couldn't seem to focus on anything, and I felt stressed about everything that needed to be done, no matter what I did. I felt like I was missing something important, and had a sense of dread. I'm still not sure what that may have been, what God may have been trying to tell me.

Isaiah 43:1-7

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead.
⁴ Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
⁵ Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
⁶ I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
⁷ everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”
                  ~Isaiah 43:1-7 (NIV)

These verses are just so beautiful. God loves me, you, and every single person on this earth so, so much. And He will be with us, always.