Fear

Today I was thinking about fear in my life. I used to be afraid of many things--driving on the highway, for instance, and calling people I didn't know on the phone. God has helped me work through a lot of these fears (OK, by 'work through' I mean God telling me, "Go do that. Yes, I'm right here and it will be fine. Now go do it!"), and the release has been amazing.

Now, I spent a bit of time feeling all proud of myself, thinking about how awesome I am, etc. Then I realized how many things I am still afraid of. For one thing, looking for a job. I'm afraid to put myself out there like that, and afraid of the inevitable rejection. Also a serious romantic relationship, and letting go of certain things to God. Realizing this depressed me, almost. I mean, of course I'm not as awesome as I'd like to think, and I do need to work on my humility, but realizing all these things I was still afraid of was rather disheartening. If anything, it feels like all the simpler fears, like highway driving, have been removed, only to reveal the real, large fears, like job interviews and relationships. There's still a lot of work to be done on me and my fears.

Listless

I had a job interview today. I feel like it didn't go well. I feel like this reflects me as a person, even though I know that's stupid. I've just been feeling listless and restless all day. Lord, please help me to work through this.

2 Chronicles 26

The reign of Uzziah. This story (and a few of the ones before it) are a warning. Uzziah started out very well, with a heart for God. Zechariah taught him God's ways and helped him to learn about Him. But after Zechariah died, Uzziah grew away from God--he grew proud, and stopped trusting in God.

Warning! Just because I follow God now doesn't mean I always will. There is no mystical rule that says once you follow God it's forever. I have to always strive for God. If I grow proud because of the success He gives me, and stop depending on Him, I will fall. Also, good God-seeking friends--just the influence of the surroundings, really--are important! Uzziah was doing fine until Zechariah died.

Questions

Some questions I've recently been considering about my faith:

1) What is prayer? I recently ran across the idea that God won't do anything about a problem if someone doesn't pray about it--is this true? What should I be praying for?

2) What is the nature of trials in our lives? Are they sent from God to test/strengthen us? Are they from the devil? Are they simply a result of our broken world?

3) What is the role of gender in Christianity? Are women supposed to be more submissive, nurturing, caring, only have a family, etc? Are men supposed to be "in charge"? In Jesus' actions, I don't necessarily see support for this--He seems to have treated men and women equally, actually--but there is absolutely support for this in both Old and New Testament writings. Is it legitimate to reject their teachings on this subject because of their inherently misogynistic culture?

4) How legitimate is it to reject parts of the Bible? For instance a seven-day creation, teachings on women's inequality. What about when different writings contradict themselves? For instance in its views of trials--some see them as punishment for evil-doing, others as a part of life and something that needs to be persevered through.

Romans 6

This chapter just really struck me today as being very, very true. Paul speaks of our sinful nature being crucified with Christ, slavery to sin vs. to righteousness, our new life, obedience. I was especially struck by two things: firstly, the idea of being in slavery to sin. That struck me as a really good metaphor, actually. When you're not a Christian, you may see yourself as free from all the silly rules of Christianity, but really you're not free at all because you have no control over your own sinful nature. You sin because you can't help yourself, and often don't even realize it. I'm not saying that this isn't also true of Christians, because it is--Christians are sinful creatures too, after all. But Christians have God to fall back on and to condemn them and to help them fight against sin.

Secondly, I was really struck by Paul's use of the opposite metaphor (if I can call it that), of being slaves of righteousness. I know I've read this chapter before, but it's never struck me before the way it did today. We not only should do what's right, we need to do what's right--Christ bought us, paid for us with His blood and death, body and soul. When He asks us to do something, it's not a casual order--it's something we need to do.

I know, the idea of being a slave is a little uncomfortable, to say the least. Aren't we supposed to be free in Christ? In many ways we are--God allows us the choice, after all, to follow Him or not. He doesn't force us to do anything: we have free will, and He will love us no matter what we do. But the idea of being a slave means we have no choice, right? Well, maybe (a slave could disobey, after all, it just wouldn't be pleasant for them. I suppose rather similar to a Christian's situation, because we can disobey, but sin is not pleasant). But being a slave also means that you have a duty to do every single thing you're asked to do by your master--true of Christians. I suppose the imagery also acknowledges our inferiority and debt to God and Jesus--we are so far below Him, after all, and have a debt to Him that we can never ever repay.

Check up

Firstly, I thought I'd review my summer goals and how I'm doing with them. This is something that I want to make a commitment to doing every Sunday.

1) volunteer somewhere I've made absolutely no progress towards this goal--I haven't looking into volunteering anywhere, or even really thought about it.
2) 2 million grains on freerice I have been working towards this goal, answering a decent number of questions almost every day. However, I have been doing it rather grudgingly. I pray for the generosity to give of my time willingly and use the time to pray or reflect, rather than wish the time would go by faster as I have been doing.
3) finish my summer reading list I am satisfied with my progress on this goal. I finished two books (although I also added two more to my list, so maybe they don't count!) and am currently reading Emma by Jane Austen.
4) book review of each book I read So far I've kept to this goal.
5) reflect more on Bible readings Unfortunately hasn't been true of every time I've read the Bible this week, but I am reflecting more and longer on what I read.
6) after-graduation options All I've done for this goal was register for the GRE.
7) sleep a lot! Overall, this has been the case.
8) exercise I went for two walks and one hike this week.
9) thesis Nope. I've done absolutely nothing to prepare for this.
10) declutter I've also done nothing for this goal.
11) scholarship I have not worked towards this goal, either.

I am actually satisfied with how much I accomplished this last week. It was very much a week of recuperation rather than a week in which I wanted to get anything done. It was a wonderful week, although of course it had its ups and downs.

I went to a prayer labyrinth again today. It felt good, to spend so much time just being with God, thinking and praying and working through issues, or at least acknowledging them to myself and to God.

Secondly, I wanted to reflect on the last school year. This was an activity that I performed with my Christian fellowship a few weeks ago. I wanted to wait to do it purely for myself until after the semester was over and a bit of time had passed, to hopefully allow myself to gain a bit of perspective. The questions are: What have been some of the highs/lows of the year? What has God taught you this year? How has He shown you love this year?

My fall semester was very difficult, emotionally and spiritually. It was just after I'd just come back to Christ, so I was re-learning many of the disciplines involved with being a Christian. I fasted for the first time, which was overall a wonderful, focusing experience. It was difficult emotionally because I felt very lonely--I was far from my family, living with strangers, no friends and no people around me that I particularly wanted to be close with, for much of the time no Christians to interact with. This was challenging for me, but it also deepened my relationship with God. He was literally the only one I could turn to when I was lonely or hurt or needed help. One of the most wonderful parts of the last school year was spending time with Him, learning how freeing and peaceful it is to trust Him with everything, wandering around just with Him and viewing Him not just as my God but also as a friend. Of course, I also struggled with our relationship, things He asked me to do, and so on, and sometimes I just felt so depressed. I remember one day in particular, when I had to walk home in the rain and then I got lost (did I mention it was dark out?). My emotions were boomeranging--one minute I was at peace after walking past a beautiful church, the next minute I felt sad and depressed in a way I can't really describe, the next I was worrying about how I ever knew when God was really speaking to me. Overall, however, it was a very good school year. I feel that I have grown in faith in ways I never would have imagined a year ago. A year ago I wasn't even a Christian!

What has God taught me? There's been so much! The first lesson I thought of was about me and my reading--how I can read for God, use my reading to learn more about Him, or about His world, or just as a springboard to think about a topic that He wants me to think about. I've become more discerning in choosing what I read, more conscious of the fact that I'm learning from what I read whether I want it or not, as well as feeling less embarrassed about the fact that there are some kinds of books that I just don't want to read.

A lot about Him and how to stay close to Him. He has taught me to talk to Him in ways that I never would have thought of before. Sometimes I really do talk to Him as if He's standing right in front of me. I ask Him what I should do about a lot of things, even things that may seem silly or unimportant like what I should wear in the morning. I still don't pray enough, I think, about things that aren't myself; hopefully that will be something that He'll work with me on in the future.

Most importantly of all, I think, I've been taught over and over again that humans are sinful creatures. We are not perfect and never can be. If I'm left to myself, my instinct or whatever is to do evil. This is something that I've been made aware of in several ways--in trying to undo the bad habits that I unwittingly picked up when I wasn't Christian, when I wasted time or thought of stories even when I knew it was wrong, just watching people and the world around me. I am naturally sinful, and the only real thing we can do about that is turn to God and ask for His help. In the past I've had trouble turning my knowledge that God wants to help me into actual action against sin. But God also taught me that we humans have free will; He allows us to make choices. We need to make the choices: whether to follow Him or not, whether to resist sin or not, whether to read the Bible or not. God will respect our free will and love us no matter what choice we make, but He will also not change the consequences of our actions. If a choice leads us deeper into sin, or leads us closer to Him, He will not change that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we can't expect God to just make the choice to resist sin for us. We have to make that decision. Where God comes in is in telling us which decision to make, and in giving us the strength to make that decision, no matter how difficult it may be.

I am sinful. That is something that I think isn't said enough, often. I am sinful. I am not perfect. But Jesus died for me to wash away my sins and imperfections. He wanted something more than sin for me--He wanted perfection. God has shown/told me that He wants me to strive for perfection in everything I do, no matter how impossible it may be or seem. God wants perfection from us.

Romans 4

Paul describes how we are saved through faith and belief, not through works or circumcision. As I read, I thought about Martin Luther and Calvin and many of the other early Protestants, and how they really emphasized this (although thinking more, it might have been grace, not faith, that they really emphasized, especially Calvin). When I learned about this in history, it was portrayed very much as if Luther or Calvin or whoever had a brilliant idea that no one else had ever thought of before, and that was part of their popularity. Yes, I realize now that's ridiculous, on so many levels. But what I wanted to say about that was that it's not true that the idea originated with any of those men; it was already in the Bible, and they were just emphasizing something different than the Catholic Church was.

This chapter also talks a lot about Abraham and his faith. I must say, I don't actually like Abraham that much, although not for any reason that I could put my finger on. But Paul's description really made me realize and admire Abraham's amazing faith.

Stories

I have really been struggling lately with my stories. Over and over again, I will get flashes of how whatever I'm doing or thinking could be related to one of my stories, how this or that character would react in the current situation or if this or that related situation were to occur. I hate it! When I came home, I literally had not thought of a story for probably at least two weeks. It may not sound like long, but for me that was a huge victory. It's frustrating to see that accomplishment go up in smoke and have to fight again to be story-free.

I can think of several reasons why the urge to think about my stories is back, but I'm not sure I care, really. None of them are relevant to avoiding situations in which I am tempted. All I can do in this case is trust in God to sustain me and resist as hard as I can. As I heard in a song today, He "is the strength in our weakness".

2 Chronicles 15-16

The story of Asa, king of Judah. Really sad, actually. The prophet Asarja came to him and told him about God. Asa repented of his evil ways, and had a heart that was only for God. He got rid of all the other gods in Judah and had a long reign of peace. And that peace destroyed him. When trouble came, in the form of war with Israel, Asa trusted in the king of Aram rather than in God. Why do we want peace and quiet so much? Why does God give it to us? The Bible, especially the Old Testament, is full of examples where people get rich and everything goes well because God blesses them, and then they forget about Him. David, Solomon, Asa--and me, of course. I'm guilty as well. Being a sinful creature can be so frustrating sometimes. It takes constant work to stay near God, and often challenges as well as to remind me that God is Lord, not me. I am in many ways struggling against the impossible.

But you know what? I'm OK with that. I like a challenge, especially with God at my side, guiding me and teaching me. More than that, though, I'm working for the right thing. I've seen the good things God has done in my life, and I know that God is good. I want to know Him better, serve Him better, love Him better.

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What is the difference between hypocrisy and faith?

It may seem like a simple question, but as I was writing the second paragraph of this post, I suddenly just... lost all connection with what I was writing. Suddenly I didn't feel what I was writing. Is that bad? I've definitely run into trouble in the past because I've stressed out way too much about how much of my faith I didn't feel. But I kept writing. Was that hypocrisy--writing something I suddenly didn't feel because I thought it was the "right" thing to write--or faith--writing what I believed even if right that second I couldn't feel it--? Isn't faith keeping what you believe even when you don't feel it, following God even when you're not sure, staying steady even when you don't want to? Would that make my decision to keep writing faith? When my feelings suddenly stopped, I stopped writing too. I didn't want to write something I didn't believe. Do I need to feel something to believe it? Isn't belief, like faith, acting on something even if your feelings don't agree every second of your life? But maybe " I didn't want to write something I didn't believe" was the wrong way to say that. Maybe instead of "believe" I should have written "feel". And are our feelings so important? Don't our feelings so often mislead us? Our feelings often tell us to put ourselves first, to ignore God, to do what feels good. And I certainly don't believe in doing whatever my feelings tell me to do. But to a certain extent I do have this belief that I should feel my faith, feel it and not just believe it. Is that a true idea? Is that something God wants us to believe? I'm not sure I think it is, honestly--our feelings are so easy to mislead and trick, after all. At the same time, it's not like we can just ignore our feelings entirely. If we do so, we risk letting them fester inside us until they become a problem in and of themselves. Lord, please guide me in how I listen to my feelings and how my feelings intercept with my faith.

Reflection

Since being at home, I've realized that I think much less here. There's no need to. There's no need to work or to turn in assignments, to strive for perfection, to do much of anything, really. I created a list of goals for the summer in an attempt to give myself a purpose and something to strive for, but so far it hasn't much worked. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself; maybe I should just accept the fact that the first week or two will be pure relaxation. But that doesn't mean that I should abandon my spiritual strivings, and to some degree I've found that that's true. But I can't just float along on my spiritual journey and expect nothing to change! I need to put in effort and thought and time in order to expand my relationship with God and allow Him to work through me. I feel like I'm not doing that. I feel like I'm just existing, in every aspect of my life.

Lord, I pray that You will give my life this summer a sense of purpose, and help me to keep striving for You and for perfection and for whatever else You want for me. Please help me to stay on track and focused on You and what You want for me and my life. Please guide me and comfort me and give me the strength to follow Your will for my life.

Amen.

Preparation

Today, instead of going for a walk, I walked a prayer labyrinth. It was a really interesting experience. At first I really disliked it--walking to nowhere seemed strange, almost distracting, not to mention the birds all around me were really distracting. But once I managed to rise above all that I found it very conducive to reflection. Just following the path without thinking about where I was supposed to go meant that I could focus solely on reflection, while the walking gave my body something to do while I was thinking.

For the first time in a while, I felt at peace with the fact that God wants me to be at home this summer, rather than saying "Thy will be done, Lord" but still feeling upset about it. God presented the summer to me as a time of preparation for next year and afterwards. It gave the summer a sense of purpose. I think one of the things I've really disliked about being home for the summer in the past is the complete lack of purpose in my life--I was really just biding my time until I could go back to doing things in many ways.

Summer Goals

I've been thinking about the goals that I have for this summer.  Here they are, as of right now:
1) volunteer somewhere
2) answer enough questions to donate a total of 2 million grains of rice on freerice.com
3) finish all the books on my summer reading list (which includes Jane Austen, epic poetry, and non-fiction)
4) write a review of every book I read
5) reflect and write more on and about my Bible readings
6) look into after-graduation options
7) sleep a lot!
8) exercise
9) work on thesis
10) declutter
11) work to get a scholarship
12) pray more for others

I pray that God will help me to work towards these goals.

1 Chronicles 29

The conclusion of David's story (again). In verses 10-20, David prays to God, and it was an amazing prayer. It was only the first or second time in 1 Chronicles that I really got a feel for and liked him. I prefer the David story from 2 Samuel. In that one, the writer admits to many of David's mistakes; David seems like a real person to me, one who longs for God but who also falters and sins. Who doesn't, really? And since David is one of the people written about the most in the Bible, we get to hear a lot about him, and his sins--with Bathsheba and Uriel, the census, his handling of his sons--but we also get to hear about God's forgiveness of him, every time.

Miscellaneous

Not much to write about, really. It's finals week, so of course it's completely crazy. I've already had one miracle of a final, so here's hoping the last one will go just as well! I'm trying to deal with the fact that it's almost summer. I think time has been passing differently for me since I've become a Christian again. I'm trying to accept God's will for my summer plans. I'm praying for an acquaintance whose father just died, as well as people taking finals, packing, graduating, going on to summer plans or moving on with their life.