Tired

I'm not sure what I should post today.  I am tired today--luckily only physically, not emotionally or spiritually.  It's just been a demanding week, and I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday.  Today involved a lot of perseverance.  Unfortunately I made a few bad decisions because of my tiredness, and didn't pray as much as I should have.  I won't lie, a huge factor propelling me through today was the thought of my special Friday morning breakfast tomorrow.  So maybe I'm more emotionally/spiritually tired than I thought.  I did try to live today, though, not merely endure; although I'm not sure how well I succeeded, the fact that I was consciously trying to live today is definitely an improvement over what I would have done in this situation six months ago.  So that's definitely something to be thankful for.

Faith

I've been thinking a lot about faith in the past two days.  Yesterday I watched an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ("Accession") where religion and the idea of faith was an important part of the plot.  It played with the idea of faith and how far you should be willing to go based just on religious faith (and implicitly criticized the idea of following blindly based solely on faith--which, honestly is something I can agree with.  The difference between the faith in the show and my faith is that their faith is truly based on people, following super-advanced aliens (although they're not evil), whereas I am following an all-knowing, all-powerful God.  I feel that my faith is based on something truly worthy and rock-solid).

Today, the idea was mentioned that religion is ultimately, like superstition, humans doing irrational things in the mistaken belief/faith that it will do something.  Which actually brought me back to "Accession", because a character said something along the lines of, "People without faith can't understand that faith; people with faith don't need to understand it."  I honestly thought that was a beautiful line.

But all of these things made me think about what I think about faith, as well.  Everyone talks about faith as if it's someone blindly believing in something that they can't prove or touch or ever know if it really exists--but I don't see my faith like that at all.  Yes, I try to follow wherever God leads me, I suppose blindly, and as to the future, I certain am following God blindly, trying to have faith that it will work out.  So I suppose in that sense my faith is the typical idea of 'faith'.  But in so many other ways, my faith isn't like that at all.  I'm not just hoping that God exists; I know He exists.  I've felt Him, He's worked changes in my life that I never could.  I suppose His existence isn't something I could ever prove to anyone else, but I have seen proof of Him in my life.

Brokenness

Just after I finished writing that last post, I suddenly realized: I am so broken.  I suck at life, and can't do much of anything by myself, however much I tell myself otherwise.  And I heard God say to me, "You think I don't know that?  But I love you anyway, and maybe even more because of your brokenness."

And somehow, despite it all, I felt at peace.

Togetherness

Today, by chance, I met a friend who was feeling very alone.  She was so relieved to see me, and said something about how she felt so much better now that she had someone to be with.  I agreed: "Everything's always easier when someone's with you."  My friend and I then spent rather a lot of time together, and it was much more enjoyable than spending the time alone would have been.

My statement, said so carelessly, really resonated within me.  As Christians, we are never alone; God is always with us, trying to guide us, support us, and love us (when we'll let Him).  That was such a comfort to me today, after spending a large part of the day worrying about aspects of my life that I absolutely cannot control, and am not even entirely sure that I'm following God's will.  Re-realizing that God was with me, and still is, and always will be and wants to take my worries and take care of everything, was such a blessing today.  And God is a better friend and companion than my friend today ever could be; He will always love and support me.

That was a reminder that I needed, too; I have gotten to the end of this day and have realized that I spent way too much of the day trying to deal with my emotions in worldly, selfish ways.  It's not working.  I realize, again, how much I need God, and how much I can't do this--life, I guess--by myself.

Hm...

Alright, I'm not sure I have anything to say.  Other than to apologize for the long blog silence.  This past week, really, has been a huge roller coaster between being very joyful and being very down and sad.

Joshua 9

Just reading this whole section, I've been struck by the total pitilessness of the Israelites, in this whole book, killing everything in what would become their land, from people right on down to goats, and burning everything in their cities.  I know God is pitiless when fighting against evil, I know the people in the land were evil; I know that the ones who weren't killed tempted and misled the Israelites for hundreds of years.  But it still troubles me, still seems like genocide.

Anyway, back to this chapter.  This chapter is the one where the Israelites are tricked into making a pact with the Gibeonites even though they live in their land.  And the whole reason that they do that is because they didn't ask God before leaping.  It even says that in verse 14.  That verse really struck me, because I know there's been way too much of that, of not asking God before leaping, going on in my own life recently.  Lord, please help me to rely on my own judgements less and Yours more.

Abortion

Today on one of the blogs I read, I read, "I think it's awful that there are Christians who think that killing a baby before it's born is OK" (or something like that).  That really irritated me.

Perhaps a short explanation of my ideas about abortion are in order here.  No, I do not think abortion is right.  I think it is murder, just like killing anything else is.  But I also think abortion should be legal.  That may seem paradoxical, and perhaps it is, but there you have it.  For a child to be born unloved or addicted to drugs is awful.  For a woman who's been raped to be forced to have a child from that rape is awful.  I don't think I could ever have an abortion--but I've never been in the situation of having to make that choice, so how can I really say?  Didn't Jesus say, "Do not judge"?  Women trying to give themselves abortions with pens or rusty coat hangers is awful, too.  I think abortion should be legal for the women who are having the abortion.  They can discuss their options with family and friends and experts; they can receive a safe abortion.  Some people may argue that women who have a child they don't want should live with the results of their sin forever.  Maybe that's true; I don't know.  I do think that women in that situation should receive love and support from their Christian friends, in true Christian fashion, not be judged and ostracized for their decision--whatever their decision may be.  Just because someone made a few wrong choices, whether they be sex outside of marriage and/or the decision to have an abortion, that is absolutely no excuse for Christians to treat anyone like a second-class citizen. They may have sinned, but so has everyone.  Yes, we may have this feeling that some sins are worse than others, but where is that in the Bible?  Tiny, tiny sins can be just as horrible and wrong as one huge sin; they can ruin a life just as effectively, and can lead up to "huge" sins.

Being sick

Yesterday I was sick.  Actually, I'm still sick today.  But yesterday after I posted here, I started thinking about how being sick affected how I was thinking.  About a lot of things, I just thought, "Oh, I'm sick, it's fine" and dismissed mediocrity that I totally would not accept from myself under normal circumstances. So today, even though I was sick, I consciously resisted thinking about things like that.  I tried to just give everything my best effort, and the fact that I was sick didn't play into the picture at all.  And, oddly enough, it worked.  I can only attribute it to God, although I'm ashamed to say that I didn't ask for His help with this all that much.  But somehow, I ended the day feeling less sick than I did when I started it, and I really tried with many things rather than focusing all my mental energy on how sick and miserable I was.

Unfortunately, then I had to fight with the opposite problem, of becoming proud of myself and how much I accomplished and so on and so on.  I really was not centered in God today, at all.  I can only thank Him for helping me so much despite that, and ask for His forgiveness.

Oh, I'm definitely sick.  I also don't really have that much to say.  I did not have any interesting thoughts; it was really a struggle to just get through the day.  Although thinking about it, it (the whole getting sick thing, I mean) is a lesson in how things can happen unexpectedly and plans may have to be changed, but to just be flexible about that rather than getting frustrated or stressed out.

Urgh

I think I'm getting sick.  Urgh!

Sabbath Thoughts

I had a wonderful Sabbath today.  I read some of three different books, all just for fun; I watched a lot of Star Trek; I went for a walk; I thought about the last week.  I feel very rested and refreshed.  Thoughts I had about the last week:
-I worried way too much.  Trusting God to deal with my problems is something I definitely need to work on.
-I used my time fairly wisely.
-Especially yesterday, I had such a sense of how I'm still learning and how to think about things critically.
-I didn't pray enough, at all.
-A lot of the time when I read the Bible this week, I read passively, not trying to see what God was trying to tell me through what I was learning.
-I didn't make wise food choices.

Prayer today

Today I prayed for:
-Jason
-hungry people
-people taking exams
-people affected by the tornado

I thanked God for:
-cloudy days
-sleep
-apples with peanut butter
-the Bible
-birds

Disconnected Thoughts

I had a hard time focusing on any one thing today; my thoughts kept wandering, especially at my fellowship meeting.  I thought about: fantasy literature, the cookies we could have afterwards, Star Trek, the cookies, kindness, the cookies, the Old Testament, and probably some other things I can't remember.  I really couldn't focus today!  Despite that, though, despite the fact that I felt inadequate for my complete inability to concentrate on the speaker and think about what s/he was talking about for more than like two seconds, I still felt a calmness in my soul that I know came from God.  Just more proof that He can work through our human nature!

At fellowship today we read a short passage from Proverbs that ended by saying something along the lines of 'do good things and God will repay you.'  No!  That's not how it works anymore!  I mean, yes, God died for me and that's pretty awesome and I suppose could be seen as repaying us for the kindness we do (yeah, just kidding, this thought doesn't actually make any sense... but I'll keep going), but He died for everyone whether they follow Him or not.  Which is a pretty mind-blowing concept, when you think about it.  Anyway, what I was getting at was the fact that I was wondering about the Old Testament.  I've been noticing lately as I've been reading it how very much it's all focused on earning God's love and all the laws and whatnot (although maybe it'll get better once I get through the Pentateuch and all the laws).  And that's not what Christianity is about--so why is it included in the Bible?  The ideas in it are so different than what Christ ultimately teaches.  I've heard the idea that it's the background/history of God's decision to send Jesus, and to some extent I understand that.  But it's also something I've been thinking about a bit lately.

Another thing I've been thinking about (well, mostly just during the fellowship meeting, but whatever) was fantasy literature (which I totally love) and the relation of the characters in those books to some 'Other power'.  Pretty much every fantasy book I've ever read ultimately had some 'other power' that gave the characters power, led and guided them, unified all the good characters, and/or is the ultimate 'good'.  It seems as if almost everyone knows, at least at some level, that people can't really accomplish things like fighting the ultimate evil (like pretty much every fantasy person does) with help, help from something bigger than just another person.  I was also thinking, though, that I wouldn't want to fight evil just for some nameless, faceless, emotionless (or ridiculously emotional--read: a god like the Greek/Roman gods) 'power'.  Well, maybe I would if I didn't know about my God--who can say?--but how would I know, then, that what I thought was right was actually right?  I prefer a real God that I can talk to and hear from, and that I know loves me and died for me.

Sleeplessness

Yeah... so remember how I wrote in my last post about how ready I felt to go to sleep and how I wouldn't stay up late worrying?  Ha!

I literally didn't sleep at all last night.  I was almost awake when I jolted awake and remembered something that I really needed to get done; once I'd finished that, I couldn't get to sleep because I was worrying.  Like, literally could not sleep, which I have never had happen to me before. So instead I tried to sleep, finished a book and started a new one, had a snack, and finished up various tasks that have needed doing for awhile.

Doing all that made me think--yes, my day will be less stressful because these tasks have been completed, but it will also be more stressful (well, probably more frustrating than stressful) because I'll be too tired to function very well.  How important, really, is finishing tasks?  Is the fact that I got a lot done yesterday really a sign of God's faithfulness? (or perhaps a better  question is, is it the biggest sign in my life?)  I'm not sure how much God cares about little tasks getting done.