Done

I am officially declaring A Light to My Path a closed blog. I will no longer be posting here.

Please feel free to check out my other blogs and see what I've been up to:

Words from Around the World
Praying for the Earth

Odes to Solomon

I ran across this hymn while reading for class and found it so, so beautiful. The first five verses especially really struck me as encapsulating so well why I write, and the rest is just beautifully-written praises of God. We can never praise Him enough!

1. As the occupation of the ploughman is the ploughshare, and the occupation of the helmsman is the steering of the ship, so also my occupation is the psalm of the Lord by His hymns.
2. My art and my service are in His hymns, because His love has nourished my heart, and His fruits He poured unto my lips.
3. For my love is the Lord; hence I will sing unto Him.
4. For I am strengthened by His praises, and I have faith in Him.
5. I will open my mouth, and His Spirit will speak through me the glory of the Lord and His beauty,
6. The work of His hands, and the labor of His fingers;
7. For the multitude of His mercies, and the strength of His Word.
8. For the Word of the Lord investigates that which is invisible, and reveals His thought.
9. For the eye sees His works, and the ear hears His thought.
10. It is He who made the earth broad, and placed the waters in the sea.
11. He expanded the heaven, and fixed the stars.
12. And He fixed the creation and set it up, then He rested from His works.
13. And created things run according to their courses, and work their works, for they can never cease nor fail.
14. And the hosts are subject to His Word.
15. The reservoir of light is the sun, and the reservoir of darkness is the night.
16. For He made the sun for the day so that it will be light; but night brings darkness over the face of the earth.
17. And by their portion one from another they complete the beauty of God.
18. And there is nothing outside of the Lord, because He was before anything came to be.
19. And the worlds are by His Word, and by the thought of His heart.
20. Praise and honor to His name.
    Hallelujah.

(This is an early Christian (specifically gnostic) hymn, from about the second century AD. No, I'm not particularly gnostic, but this hymn doesn't strike me as very gnostic either (yes, I'm basing that on a quick peruse of wikipedia). This version of Odes of Solomon 16 came from The Gnostic Society Library)

Writing and Christian Creativity

I just finished my review for Scribbling in the Sand, and it brought up so many thoughts that didn't really fit into a book review.

I intended this summer to be a summer of writing, both for myself and for actual money. It was quite a failure--like I mentioned before, I don't do very well with the non-structured summer life, and I let my obsessions get quite out of control. I feel like I learned a lot, but I wish that I had already known it as well as I thought I did.

At the end of the summer, I still want to commit to writing more. In part that was why I started these blogs. Writing still terrifies me sometimes (remember this post? Yeah, I still feel like that all the time). It's such a leap of faith sometimes, if not all the time. At other times it's just plain difficult. I have so many ideas running around in my head, and it's hard to pick between them. There are so many other, easier, less productive things that I also want to be doing.

And how do I allow God to work through what I'm writing? Scribbling in the Sand brought up the idea of your art being your worship, or a form of worship. How is what I write worship? Yes, sometimes when I write--on good days--I feel such joy as I write, feel that God is sitting right by me, guiding my typing hands. Other days I feel nothing but struggle, and I wonder if I should write at all on those days. On good days I can see how my story worships God, on other days I can't. Is it enough of a worship to write in obedience? Should the story also be a form of worship? It's hard to feel as if a description of people playing cards is a form of worship. It's hard to feel as if a fight scene is a form of worship. It's hard to remember that maybe the overall plot is beautiful, even if the moments aren't always. Is that alright?

And where is my writing going? What about seminary?

I pray that God will guide me as I try to navigate this while also going to seminary. I know that He'll be right there beside me no matter what I'm struggling with. I feel Him right here even as I ask these questions.

New Stage/Moving

I have decided to return to this blog. I'm not sure why, or why I left it for awhile--both just felt right.

So I'm back now, right before I head off to my first year at seminary. It probably wasn't the best time to start this up again--I'm sure I'll be very, very busy once school starts. But maybe I'll need a spot to work things through in writing and in "public."

I'm feeling very melancholy today. I'm so ready for seminary to start on so many levels--I'm sick of summer (I don't do well with all the free time and tend to waste it, which I so did this summer), I love school and can't wait for it to start again, I want to go and explore my new home. And I'm so not ready on so many other levels--how difficult will the classes be? will I be able to meet people and form friendships? how will I get around without a car? how much God-and-I time will I have? how wrong are my expectations? how will I make ends meet?

I think I'm going to start packing today. Tomorrow my church is going to pray for me in the service. I've been stocking up on food and supplies to take with me. The time is finally coming. What will it bring?

C. S. Lewis quote

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see."

Free from sin

Yesterday was a really rough day for me; I just couldn't seem to stop making the wrong decisions and sinning, over and over and over again.

This morning I read this verse: "You [God] will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea" (Micah 7:19b).

Wow. We are sinful, but God takes our sins away.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Isaiah 1:18

More Thoughts on Ezekiel

I've been thinking more about Ezekiel as I continue to slog my way through it. Yes, it really is a slog--I dislike it, and this is perhaps the first time I've ever truly disliked a book of the Bible.

I'm on to the part now about the new Israel. How does this fit into the New Testament, where God gets rid of the temple as the sole place of worship? Or is it referring to the Israel that was rebuilt after their 70 years of Babylonian exile? And why does God get so fixated on numbers and dimensions and borders in this section? (Or was that Ezekiel?) Perhaps so people could see when the words came true?

This Daily Worship post, written by Sacredise, is about Ezekiel 2:8-3:11. I really liked their interpretation, on Ezekiel's calling and how God uniquely equipped him for his ministry to the Israelites.

I'm not sure why I disliked it so much this time through, because I've definitely read it before. Anyone else have thoughts about Ezekiel?

Thoughts about Ezekiel

I've been reading through Ezekiel for the past few weeks, and honestly, it's been tough. God is really angry and scary. I guess God can get angry, but I don't think about it much (avoiding it?). I feel like God just does a lot of threatening and destroying, and I'm not sure that's the best way to convince people you're right. I mean, God is right, I'm not arguing with that. But does being threatened help? I can see disasters bringing people closer to God; seeing how little control each of us has over our own lives can definitely bring you closer to God. But it can also alienate people.

Do I worship an angry God? I know He's not all anger. When He unleashes His anger, though... wow. Has He done that recently, and just not announced it quite as much? Or have the announcements been forgotten in our secular society? Or was it not God smiting directly so much as their sin leading to weaknesses in their society, a lack of dependence on God, and lots of pride that led them to get into things they couldn't handle?

Then there's the passage with Eziekel's wife (Ezekiel 24:25-25)... Did God seriously just kill Ezekiel's wife??? Or was she already dying? And not being allowed to mourn (or not publicly)... wow. Actually what struck me was how Ezekiel didn't seem to be angry about this. I would be so angry! I still get angry when God tells me to do things that are against my "plan" for my life...

Gideon

I was rereading the story of Gideon yesterday and today (Judges 6-8) and was really struck by how like me Gideon was. When God comes to him, Gideon's first reaction is anger and bitterness:  “Pardon me, my lord, but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lordhas abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.” (Judges 6:13) Wow! Isn't that exactly the sort of thing each of us has thought at least once, and struggled with--especially when friends ask us these sorts of questions? Then Gideon doubts God and His power, especially in his own life and with his own weakness:  “Pardon me, my lord, but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” (Judges 6:15) Man, I've so been there. Then Gideon wants proof: “If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me." (Judges 6:17) I'm always wanting proof, and, like Gideon, God is often gracious and gives me proof again and again (He also performs miracles for Gideon in Judges 6:36-40). When God asks him to break down the alters of the people in his town, Gideon does it at night for fear of other's reactions (Judges 6:27). I must say, I do things secretly for fear of others disappointingly regularly (although it's not always bad to do things in secret, it just depends on your reasons--see Matthew 6:3). 

What a beautiful reminder that God can speak to me through Scripture!

Testing

This morning I read an essay by Hugh Ross (in A Place for Truth, edited by Dallas Willard) about how he has read through the entire Bible, testing the validity of every statement (scientific, prophetic, historic). I want to do that. I want to read the Bible over again, with new eyes, testing everything. Doesn't Paul say "Test everything"? (1 Thessalonians 5:21) I want to read prophecies and understand what they mean, what they predicted and what of that has already come to pass, not just say, "Hm, I wonder what that means?", like I have so many times before.

If God really is who He says He is, He's up for the challenge.

Psalm 116

God is faithful. We should love God because of the good that He's done in the past. But isn't that a bit selfish? Shouldn't we love God because He's the Creator and Ruler of the universe and the Savior and because He died for me? I guess those all fall into the first category, of loving God just for what He's done for me. Also all still loving God for what He's done, not who He is. But how would we know who He was if not through His actions? How would we know who anyone was? Our actions define us, define how others see us. It's easier to praise God for His actions--those are things that we've experiences, concrete experiences--as opposed to praising a character trait, something a bit vague and something I may or may not have experienced. But when we praise a character trait, what are we doing but thinking of all the times we've experienced that trait in our relationship with God? I know that's what I do.

"Everyone needs Jesus"

"Everyone needs Jesus," he said. And I suddenly realized that I didn't totally believe that. Believe it in my head? Sure. Believe it enough to act on it, enough that I can feel it? Nope.

It was sort of a weird thing to realize. My passion for helping others find Jesus has been growing over the past months--but what's the point of that if I don't think that everyone needs Jesus? What am I doing instead, trying to prove that my way is better? That I'm always right?

"Remember"

I've been reading through some of Deuteronomy right now, and the thing that really struck me this time is how much God reminds the Israelites to remember Him and what He's done for them. That's something that I've been thinking about too, lately--it's so important to remember God and who He is, not just in the bible but also who He's been in my life. I need to remember not only that He saved the Israelites from slavery and died for me, but also the comfort and joy He's given me and the fact that He saved me personally from my sin.

Late Night Thoughts

I can't sleep. Too much thinking, too much self-condemnation. One thing God has been showing me lately is the fact that I am sinful, that I can never earn God's love or His salvation. I can never pay back what Jesus did for me on the cross. I am not completely good. It's been brought home to me in various ways over the past week or so, the latest being my complete inability to control my own thoughts, at least when it comes to my stories.

My stories are something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I was struggling with them about a month ago and I heard God say, "I know you're struggling with this, and the desire in you to create has become corrupted. But I want to use this gift you have for good, for my plan, and right now I'm just cleansing that part of your soul so I can do that." I gave all my stories to Him, one by one. A few weeks ago I couldn't sleep and God told me, "Write. Write." I wrote the beginning of a story that has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but different than I've ever written before: with the knowledge that the story is coming from God and I am merely the instrument used to have the story written down, listening prayerfully for every word and sentence I should write, not planning out the story ahead of time. That was the plan, anyway. It's been so, so difficult. The temptation to just think about the story, to savor what might happen and the experiences the characters will have without writing it out, to just keep it all trapped in my mind, is so, so strong, and I've given in to it so much since I started. I've failed God so often. I am sinful. I've been prideful and obsessive about what I've written, what I could go on to write. I don't know how to do this in a godly way. I'm up so late because I was writing, even though God wasn't telling me to. It's so easy to confuse God's call and obsession. I pray as I write this that God will show me what His will is for this story that I write, for the others still in my mind, and that He will give me the strength to do what He wills with this story. I pray for wisdom, for knowledge of what I should do and what God's will is. Most of all, I pray for God to be with me and comfort me and strengthen me as I struggle with this. May He guide me through this.

Eternal

God is eternal and unchanging. What a comforting thought, and yet how difficult to wrap your head around! It's comforting the know that God will never change, will always be loving and forgiving towards me--and yet it's so hard to imagine never changing. God has been the same ever since He created the universe as He is right now and as He will be when the universe comes to an end. Wow!

It's even harder to remember because my perceptions of God change over time as I learn more about Him. It's hard to remember that my knowledge of Him my change, my relationship with Him may change, but the change is all on my side. He is the same as He's always been.

Story Struggles

Sorry I haven't written lately; the past week was a lot less hectic, and I used the opportunity to do a lot of relaxing and reflecting.

Thursday I had this sudden, burning, overwhelming urge to think about one of my stories in particular. Honestly, I was shocked at how much of it I remembered, and how well I remembered it. It was scary. I'd forgotten how frustrating and perhaps terrifying to not feel in control of my own mind. I finally feel better tonight. I've realized something else about my stories, and why they draw me in so much sometimes. The feelings I get when I think about my stories, or particular episodes in those stories, do not change. The same episode always makes me feel the same thing. (it's a bit creepy, actually). How many things in life do that? Normally something--a book, a memory, a place, a smell, a food, a holiday --is at least little bit different every time you experience it. It gives me a sense of stability?

I pray that I'll have the strength to resist.

Obsession

I'm up late tonight--can't sleep.

Lately, I haven't been able to stop wanting to think about stories. All these stories I'd completely forgotten about have suddenly popped back up in my mind, calling out, "Think about me! What would happen if...?" I've given in two, three times: three times too many, and three times more than I hoped/prayed/thought I would ever think about these things again.

Then, as I was laying in bed, struggling with not thinking about stories and repeating Philippians 4:6 ("Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, bring your requests before God.") over and over and feeling so overwhelmed, I heard God say, "Get up and write something."

Man oh man did that terrify me! My first thought was of a story I came up with the summer I came back to God, which is pretty Christian, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how obsessive I get about stories once I start writing them. It's so hard to think about anything else when I'm doing that, at least for me. I could feel the pressure/obsession already. But I didn't. I hope that was the right choice. I think now that it was. Will I ever be able to write a story or novel again? Do I want to? I don't know. I know that God has a plan for me. Whether it involves writing or not, I know that it's a good plan.

God doesn't make mistakes.

Struggle

Lately I've really been struggling with God. I feel like it's been a real theme in my posts over the past month or so. As I was thinking about writing this, the story of Jacob wrestling with God came to mind. I've never known what to think about that story--when I was younger, I always wondered who would want to wrestle with God, and how it was that Jacob won, rather than God--if God is all-powerful, why didn't He win? Tonight, though, as I'm writing, it seems like a good metaphor. I've been ignoring God in a lot of ways--I realized, after four straight hours of watching TV on my computer the night before a test, that my inability to stop watching things on my computer, and my inability to control how I use my time, is completely out of control. I've forgotten how to let God into my life and my choices. I realized that I'd been trying to delude myself that God was telling me to leave certain parts of my life alone, when really He was trying to tell me (in no uncertain terms) to change several things: what I'm studying, what I'm doing over break, where my focus in life is, how I view His commands (having a willing heart rather than an angry, prideful, unwilling one). Our attitudes have such an impact on our lives--God did give us the right to choose, after all. I've been angry at God lately, for what I knew, deep down, He was asking me to do. Also because I just couldn't wrap my head around the paradox between our sin, and not being able to do anything without God, and what God expects of us. I'm still confused about that, but maybe not angry anymore. We'll see.

I've been rebelling a lot. In small ways: by eating a lot of candy and junk food, by staying up late, by playing computer games or watching shows online, by thinking of stories. But is any action really small? All those small actions led up to tonight, where I realized that I suddenly felt like I had no control over how I spent my time. And maybe I don't, without God. With God, I have a choice.

Struggle

This whole month, really, has been a month of struggle for me in my faith. It's not that I'm doubting so much as just having moments where I can't feel God, or feel like He's trying to tell me something but I have NO idea what it is, or just feel very inadequate. I've been struggling a lot lately with pride, with God's love, with stories, with priorities. It's been rough.

Comfort in Isaiah

I've been struggling lately with my faith. Well, it's not that I've been doubting, it's more that I don't feel God as close as I was feeling Him, and I've had some very uncomfortable questions. I'm tired, and more than just physically. I had creepy dreams last night, but it was still hard to get up--there's something so alluring about evil when you're not thinking straight.

Then I started my reading in Isaiah. It was so, so unbelievably comforting:
-"I'm the one who promises it; I'm here." Isaiah 52:6 (CEB)
-"But my righteousness will last forever." Isaiah 51:8 (NIV)
-"He was pierced because of our rebellions and crushed because of our crimes. He bore the punishment that made us whole; by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)

Hallelujah, that we serve a living God!!